How Do You Mentally Deal with Sending Big Checks For Care?

If you live in the USA, then you need to see an elder care attorney. This person should be able to give guidance on finances, SSID, and Medicaid in your state. Should also make sure all the required paperwork done for Durable Power of Attorney, Health POA, etc. are in order.

Usually first consult is free.

@Marp the best way to deal with it mentally is to ensure you’ve done everything money wise you can now that she’s in there temporarily -in case it turns into the permanent stay that is upsetting you. It sounds like you have ( and I’m sure Jo will agree when she checks back in. I don’t think she’s scolding as much as addressing your fear by suggesting an action to take).

Something I told myself is that my parents needed the care now and that’s what I had to focus on. I can’t predict the future and it’s not fair to them to restrict the care they need now in order to preserve assets for future care they may not live long enough to need. Plus, by the time they get to the point that they run out of money, they may medically qualify for a level of care that Medicaid will pay for. In my parents case, they have a couple more years of money for assisted living. They are 83/85

Your belief that the money is for her care, not her heirs, is also something that will help you overcome the mental block.

Is it the writing of the big check or fear that the money will run out before her care needs end?

When you are used to being a saver, single large outflow of funds is scary but there is no way to get around it unless she qualifies for financial assistance of some sort.

The same goes for running out of funds. The only way to relieve some of that fear is to have plans in place for financial assistance or placement.

The costs of this disease are staggering and most folks end up relying on outside assistance at some point, particularly those with a surviving spouse, which you indicate is not applicable here.

Caps are for emphasis not for scolding. I often use caps for emphasis.

Iris

While I agree the price of long term care is ridiculously expensive, I started to break it down. Three "restaurant" meals, daily; a hotel-style room with housekeeping; (?) hours of skilled, 1 on 1 care, daily. It does add up....

Maybe thinking in these terms might make it less painful to write those checks.

@Marp

I hear you.

In my mind, CAPS used in a word or phrase is emphasis is entirely appropriate though I might bold if available. A whole post of caps is rude-- not just because of the "shouting" it represents but also because it's just hard to read.

But I do hear you on the massive checks. While it helped to remind myself that the saved money was meant for her later years. And while we looked at every check my mom wrote to the MCF or HHA in the context of the good that amount could have done spent elsewhere-- a month could have been passage for one on a luxury European river cruise, a semester's tuition at a state university for a grandchild, hardwood floors in the living and dining rooms, January and February in an oceanfront condo somewhere warm, etc. These aren't the golden years one would wish for your dear sister, or for you come to think of it.

Seeing a CELA helped my mom make peace with the ugliness of this all. Yes, it was upsetting and unfair to see the money they'd saved all those years sucked up by dad's care needs. It was scarier for her as a spouse because the money set aside for her future care needs was yoked to dad's with the potential that his would syphon off most of it leaving it harder for her to access a quality facility if needed while still of cognitively with it. She was especially livid to be coming into a considerable inheritance that would have been considered joint under Medicaid rules. Understanding Medicaid helped us see it as a necessary safety net for those who have been unlucky enough to been dealt this ugly situation in life.

HB

It was actually a little of both.

CELA was well-practiced in finessing the situation and managed to get dad to actually sign the DPOA and Health Care Proxy which he had previously avoided (per his lawyer and CPA who'd suggested it themselves). This saved us the expense and the potential for triggering dad into even more agitation and aggression. Based on what my friend and my aunt paid to obtain guardianship of his father/her sister we saved anywhere between $6 and 10K.

CELA wrote the DPOAs with the expectation that I would be acting on bother parents' behalf around selling their homes, accessing bank accounts and safe deposit boxes, accessing the investment accounts, etc. Because the documents were so well drafted vs boilerplate, they were accepted by two different title companies, 3 different banks and 2 investment houses after their legal departments vetted them.

The CELA explained Medicaid in our state so that mom didn't make any moves that could have delayed Medicaid if needed down the line. She gave mom the green light to improve the new-to-her home she bought but advised against doing all her Christmas spending last minute.

Not specific to Medicaid or estate planning, the CELA vetted the paperwork for the contracts on both houses we sold and the contract for the MCF into which we moved dad. I live in a state with filial responsibility laws, and she made sure the language in the contract didn't include language that might expose me to collection if mom died first and dad outlived his money.

My aunt's CELA helped them establish a Special Needs Trust to help support her disabled daughter going forward while still qualifying for Medicaid. That was in another state and I am not privy to the details.

Our CELA turned out to be a woman I knew from DS's scouting (I was one of the troop advancement chairs and helped him through the process of his Eagle Scout paperwork) and marching band days. We paid a la carte for the services as needed. TBH, I did probably get a friends & family discount, but she worked for a massive firm, so I am guessing it wasn't all that big a percentage.

I realize these people aren't available to all of us in the same way geri psychs are rare in very rural areas. But, IME, a good one is a valuable resource.

HB