Happy? New Year
It's that time of year again when everyone you see wishes you a Happy New Year. Maybe I'm just old and jaded but I see nothing happy about the coming year. I started keeping a journal last Jan. and looking back reading my past journal posts and seeing his decline over the past year just makes me sad. So I'm sure the coming year will just continue it's downhill slide.
Bitter, party of one.
Comments
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Kevcoy, you are not alone. Make that a party of two (and many more, we know).
Just watching this train wreck unfold in slow motion, helpless to stop it. Dementia caregiving is not for sissies, as they say. And yes, looking back is gut-wrenching too, as we can see the decline like you said. DH was still on a long Stage 6 plateau this time last year but we just recently have clearly slipped into 7.
I wish you and your LO the least difficulty, the most comfort and best support possible in the days, weeks, months, and year ahead.
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I agree Kevcoy, I am scared to death to face this new year. If DH declines as he has this year I’m not sure where he and myself will be this time next year. New beginnings with this disease are not good that is for sure. For now I do my best to keep that smile and wish them the same while I am dying inside. Praying for God’s intervention every moment of every day is my only hope. Thankful for the folks here that understand.
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My sincerest wish for the new year is that my partner will die and be released from her suffering. Not able to say that anywhere but here.
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Right there with you, M1.
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My wish for all who are in Stage 7 is for a fast forward . Our experience was shocking acceleration, and rapid decline. It was a blessing, and I will pray that you all have the same. May 2024 bring the gift of peace to all of us.
Maureen
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I admit I too am praying God will take my dh! He is in stage 7 and it is so very hard! I have been able to say that to a very good friend and she did not judge me! She is the only person other than you guys. For 2024 I wish peace and strength for each of us!
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Right with all of you here. If they only knew. Wishing a measure of peace wherever you can find it.
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I, too, have the same wish for my DH. He’s probably in stage 4 now although he’s in stage 5 when it comes to numbers, dates and the year. I pray his heart will go as he has high, untreated cholesterol (has refused to take statins for 8 years). He eats poorly and doesn’t exercise. On the other hand, he’s thin, doesn’t get sick, and both parents lived to 92.
Fortunately, I am able to share this with a few family members and friends, who are in agreement.
This New Year is going to be very hard for him as the Dr is taking away his driving privilege. The letter from the Dr was mailed yesterday. He doesn’t know it’s definite yet but knows it’s a possibility after taking a 2 hour assessment test in which the examiner recommended he not drive. He was very upset about that and thinks he was driving fine. He doesn’t understand what all the in office testing has to do with his driving abilities. It’s going to be a rough week…(s).
I had some weepy moments this afternoon while making desserts for New Years. I was listening and singing to my favorite songs and the love songs just tear at my heart. But I still listened to them. I think it was a healthy way to deal with this pre-mourning that comes and goes.
I pray for everyone to feel inner peace and patience as we begin this new year together.
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Another year is hard to face when your LO is suffering from this disease. Today I will prepare all the foods I traditionally prepare on this day for our evening feast -- and wonder why I am still doing that when nothing in our lives is the same anymore. I wish you all peace and calm and a few moments to yourself, wherever you can find them.
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But in the new year, who doesn’t want to scream, “It’s not fair! Why does this have to be so mean to her?!!!” while sobbing alone in the car like I did yesterday. I’m so looking forward to more of that.
Sarcastic and bitter, joining the party.
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Many of you have posted very supportive and kind messages on my post about moving on. I had assumed that most of you had processed and completely handled this situation we are afflicted with but now I see how Naive I was about that. I can see you are suffering and that makes your comments all the more special because you took the time to offer me guidance, Thanks Again.
Pre-COVID my wife was still pretty normal and undiagnosed. We would host an annual New Year’s party for friends and neighbors to ring in the new year with soups, snacks and beverages. Subsequently we stopped doing that but I have decided to fight back and not let AZ take away our tradition, so today we are having our party 🎉. I find that keeping things as “normal” as possible and seeing friends is good for DW. Sorry if this seems insensitive to those suffering during this time, but I am not going to let AZ dictate our lives anymore than necessary.
Peace, Love and Joyous New Year… ;)
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Even though it’s now stage 8 for us, I am so wholly sympathetic to what you all have expressed here. AD is a one way journey of loss after loss, and anyone who loves his or her spouse can’t want the suffering to go on. And on. And on.
Although I will say with tremendous understatement that stage 8 is no picnic, no power on earth would have me bring my DW back. Now at least only one of us is suffering. And I at least have the potential to heal, as my DW could not.
My heart goes out to all of you still in caregiver mode. Happy new year? Not possible, but I wish you all peace on your journeys.
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Always good to hear from you Jeff.
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Wishing each of you the strength to carry on and some moments of peace as you do what is needed for your LO.
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DH is 92 yo, had a stroke last June, received diagnoses of ALZ (now State 6) and congestive heart failure this summer. He is on pureed food and sometimes has trouble with that. His ability to have a catheter is quickly shutting down. He will die this year.
As difficult as the past year has been for me, I look back and am amazed at how much I've grown. I've learned to be more open and to accept help. I've reconnected with people I used to know. I met more people in my neighborhood than I did the entire previous 20 years I lived here. I've learned who I can rely on (and who I can't). I'm finally addressing deep-seated issues with trust and anxiety. I've strengthened my relationship with God.
I know that 2024 will be a very difficult year for me, but I continue to build the scaffolding that will support me during the coming months. I will not only survive, but learn and grow in ways that I haven't even begun to imagine.
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The only thing I know for sure about 2024 is that my husband will deteriorate. With AD diagnosed in 2015 and a paralyzing stroke in 2022, he is no longer able to have a coherent conversation. He is totally incontinent and has no idea where he is. In 2023 my mother died. A few months before that my beloved beagle died. It’s been a rough few years, but I’ve made it my mission to find joy and peace. I work out at the Y on weekdays, go to lunch with friends, read voraciously, do NY Times puzzles, and watch escapist movies. I visit my husband 2-3/times per week at his nursing home. He still knows I’m his wife but he no longer knows the names of our closest family members.. My life is not as exciting as it used to be, wining, dining, and traveling around Europe and North America, but it’s OK. I am grateful that I’ve found my own path to peace and acceptance.
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Reading through all your comments I recognize many of my own thoughts, concerns, sadness and fears. I am doing my best to find the positive things, the things to look forward to, the things to be grateful for but truth is —hopelessness is my enemy in 2024 and most likely every year till my DH is released from the clutches of this cruel disease.
i read that 30% of caregivers do not outlive the PWD. I think that hopelessness, exhaustion and sadness may contribute becoming one within that statistic.
i do wish all of you warriors fighting for your LO (and yourselves) all the joy and peace you can have in 2024 and onward.
But most of all I wish for hope.
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I also find that hopelessness is my biggest challenge, and the fight against that feeling is exhausting. Seeking peace in the midst of this heartache, as well as occasional moments of joy can help keep it at bay, but sometimes I admit to feeling like I'm being hit by a giant wave and can't surface! I think that's okay, given our circumstances! I don't share this with others, as I don't want to feel pitied, but here is a safe place!
It's a bit of a wake up call to realize the percentage of caregivers who won't outlive their PWD; however, New Year's Eve is the perfect day to think about that and make resolutions for self-care, even when it is expensive or hard to do. In addition to my DH, who is probably in stage 4-5, I also have caregiving responsibilities for my 94 year old mother. She has MCI. I share this with my two brothers, but sometimes adding the worry about her, and realizing my brothers high expectations of my level of support for mom (making sure she has food, taking her to dr appointments (with DH in tow!) feels like the proverbial straw that might finally cause me to break! It 's up to me to find a way to survive...
So, blessing to all of you as we struggle along this path, and hope and prayers for moments of peace, joy and rest as you turn that calendar to 2024.
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So many thoughtful and loving comments today. It is nice to know we are not alone and people care and have such thoughtful words to pass along. It hit me like a freight train reading Shark guys comments about traditions and keeping some of them alive that it was 24 years ago tonight I met my LO at a New Years Eve party in Denver. I must have blocked that out with everything that is going on. So I'm going to spend some time today relaxing and thinking about past NYE's with a smile on my face.
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Last year this time, I had a hell of a time. I'm much better now, twelve months later. DH has been placed in an excellent MCF so I've managed to return to some semblance of a normal life. I've accomplished much in 2023, as painful and dire as it seemed the first couple quarters, I managed to survive. I give thanks to all the help I've received along the way. So many people showed up to help. Also, once acceptance happened, I could breathe again. The disease will continue its course. Can't control that. I can only prepare myself to brace for each decline. Deal with it as it comes. On a parallel course, I am getting myself back on the living tracks.
Wishing everyone a better new year!
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The new year will be the same as the past year only tougher in someway yet to be revealed, of this I am sure. I completely understand and empathize with everyone’s comments. I hope we all find some peace in the year ahead.
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Dear M1, I totally understand. I am with you. Every morning, I get up early before my DH to pray. I always pray for God's mercy to take him so that he does not have to continue to suffer through this confusion.
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Checked in today because this is on my mind, too. The last year has been very difficult for me physically (kidney disease). My hope this year is that I can stay healthy enough to care for my DH. He is about the middle of the road with his journey and needs more of me everyday. You all have helped me prepare emotionally as a caregiver for the changes that have happened this year and because of that I know I go into the new year with people who understand. This forum continues to be a lifeline. My prayers are for our loved ones to be well cared for however that looks for each of us, and that we may receive comfort and care for ourselves.
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It is really hard to watch them decline. My husband was diagnosed year ago. Stage 1 Vascular Dementia and his decline has been slow. But it is happening.
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I wish all of our loved ones the same. It has been year since my husband has been diagnosed. I really didn’t think that I was sad about our changes in the last year. He is still at stage one. He can still pay bills and take care of needs. The loneliness that I feel is much worse. Those long talks and plans for the future. Are not happening anymore.
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We understand.
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My Grandma died in 2020 at 98. She used to pray everyday for the good Lord. To just take her. He finally did she died peacefully in her sleep about 4 years ago.
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Chronic sorrow syndrome. Is what they call it. Where the grieving is cyclical. It comes in waves might be song. Or sometimes your LO birthday. It is very common in caregivers that are caring for LO that have dementia.
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I just told a friend that I cannot get wrapped up with Happy New Year. I know that this next year my wife will continue to decline, and the year will not be better. All I hope fore is that we can have a few Happy times throughout the year.
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I can relate to so many comments here. This past year, my DH had a pretty big decline. We traveled (by air) to visit my family for a couple of days at Christmas but just yesterday he wondered when we were going up there. I said we visited them at Christmas and had a nice time and he got angry at me, saying that I must have not told him we were going or that I went without him because he couldn't remember any of it, even after I showed him pictures. He also has been showing confusion about our house, asking where we are, why didn't we go home when our friends left on New Year's Eve. Trying to take things one day at a time, but like others have said, taking the Christmas decorations down and facing a new year makes me think of what things will be like a year from now. So happy to be a part of this caring group.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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