I’m looking for advice on what kind of stories you all have used to tell your LOs why they are moving to MC. My Care Manager advises me to make up a reason, and share this script with the MC staff, with friends and family who will visit my DW, and use it whenever I visit.
Besides the dread of lying to my wife of 48 years, I worry that it won’t actually work, won’t persuade her to believe me. Anybody?
Thanks.
This is what I told my husband: "We are moving you to a rehab center. You can no longer walk up the steps to the bedroom nor get in and out of the shower. They have physical, occupational and speech therapy there. Also your room will have a safe shower. The staff are trained to help you move. You will have a safe bed. When the time comes that you can move safely at home we will bring you home. " I said it then and have repeated it many times since October. It is true. WHEN he can be safe and we can maneuver at home, he will come home.......but, he won't until he is hospice and bedridden. Why say anything else? I spent 9 hours a day with him there and have night sitters. This is the best I can do. He was falling often at home because I couldn't handle him alone. He is a 2-3 person transfer. I hope this helps.
annewilder, Thanks for your story! Your burden is heavy, and he must know it to be so. My DW is anosognosic, and physically robust. She has a 35-hour-per-week home companion, but does not know why her companion comes to visit every day (does not remember/realize that she came yesterday…). DW needs constant attention to keep her safe (in the city where we live) and prevent kitchen fires. I am exhausted from that, and feel that the best strategy now is residential MC.
I wish I could tell her the truth. But it would cause sadness, anger, and resentment, not cooperation; I think that would affect anyone who would care for her or visit. I guess I’m looking for a story that will help me and others to visit her, enable me to provide her care from people who can love her 24/7.
Tyrone, my wife was in the hospital when we already had things going for her to move in to MC. It was simply a matter of waiting until a bed came open, which we knew would happen within a few days. Hospital agreed to keep her there until the bed was ready. We told her she had to go there for rehab, even though she didn't need it. I think this is a common reason people give. The fact that she went straight from a hospital really made things so much easier for me. They told me I could take her or they could call an ambulance. I chose the ambulance.
We used the rehab reason also. Others I've heard include a need for extensive home repairs, or a need for the caregiver to have extensive surgery/rehab making them unavailable for caregiving.
That said, most here would tell you not to discuss the move with her ahead of time, as it will only cause anxiety and upset. Just take her on the appointed day, arrange for the staff to meet you, and let them take it from there. They're experts and can tell you when to slip out. They can give you advice about when and how to start visiting also.
Dad had anosognosia and couldn't appreciate that he even had care needs. Even if he could, his lack of empathy prevented him from caring how that impacted anyone.
There are 2 pieces to this. The first is getting her through the door. This will likely require a plan. I've heard rehab and that's what I chose. I've also heard termites and broken sewers mains offered as a reason to stay at this nice senior hotel. I've also heard of tricking a person with "lunch out" and arriving together at a mealtime, excusing yourself and explaining a reason why she had to stay temporarily when you visit.
I told him ahead of time that he was seeing a new doctor as a "second opinion". This worked because he could sort of recall his doctors said he couldn't drive, so the second opinion with the potential to drive again was motivating. Once there, we were ushered away. The next day we told him the new doctor wants him to stay for rehab.
Given that your wife can't recall the caregiver was there yesterday, you may be over-thinking this. You might pose going for a routine checkup and the doctor keeping her for tests. Rinse and repeat. Another option would be to call it lunch and bring her companion along.
This was the hardest thing I've done and I was physically unwell in the weeks leading to placement. I would suggest having someone go with you (I drove both my parents there) or meet you in the lot after.
HB
Adding on to the story.....I will move my husband to skilled nursing on Friday morning. He is 220 and 6'3" with ambulation problems. His Memory care unit doesn't have staffing nor equipment to provide the best care for him so we are moving. The average age at the SNF is 90! Yes, 90! He is 72. Interestingly he has to go into a semi-private till a private rooms opens up and his roommate has the same first name as his dad (deceased). He wants to go see his dad all the time. I pray for a good move. I weep all the time as we approach this but I wept before the MC move. Hopefully he and "Jim" will be good friends. Truly I didn't know how much I really loved him till this awful thing came into our lives. Thanks for listening.
Anne i hope he has a smooth transition. Keep us posted.
