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    Just venting about driving...

    annie51
    annie51 Member Posts: 257
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    in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

    My DH hasn't driven for over 2 years now. I don't mind driving us around everywhere but it takes all of my patience to stay calm. He hates any little bump so I have to drive around them if I see them. I'm either driving too fast or too slow. I have to park EXACTLY between the two white lines (he gets out to check, then directs me if I need to adjust). He doesn't understand red light/green light so wants me to go on a red if there are no cars coming. Today he got so angry when I refused to do it and has given me the silent treatment since we got home. Ugh!! Most days I have the patience and I know it's his way of regaining some control…but sometime you just gotta vent!

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    • Laurie1282
      Laurie1282 Member Posts: 57
      Third Anniversary 25 Care Reactions 10 Comments 5 Insightfuls Reactions
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      Oh, I went through similar with my husband too, but not to the extent it sounds like you are dealing with. I'm sorry! One thing I did with my husband was to ask him to "help" me by looking out his window for cars/people and to go slower than usual to try to lessen all the gasps he made lol! How about when you park, you just tell him to get out first and direct you so he doesn't have a chance to find fault. It's so tricky to deal with all the little things while trying to keep their dignity.

    • M1
      M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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      My partner got so that she didn't like to travel by car, period. Maybe it's time to think about not taking him with you? Of course that raises other issues, like someone to stay with him or just not going places yourself. So limiting.

    • SDianeL
      SDianeL Member Posts: 1,350
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      my husband also was obsessed about bumps and potholes. He talked constantly when we went somewhere. It’s chattering which is caused by their anxiety. It’s the disease, not your driving. He won’t stop. He can’t. Time to have someone stay with him to limit your time in the car. Do video doctor visits if you can.

    • MelissaNH
      MelissaNH Member Posts: 62
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      I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone and I feel your vent. We are somewhere in the middle stages and my husband acts like an overbearing Driver's Ed instructor. The irony is, his driving was awful for a couple of years before the official diagnosis. So much so, I had anxiety any time I had to get into the car with him. Now he makes me anxious, but mostly frustrated and annoyed when I drive. I hate being the main driver, but try to remind myself that it's way better than having to be the passenger when he's driving. I miss my old chauffeur so much! Everything about this disease sucks. I tell myself exactly what you said… That it's his way of trying to find some sort of control. I can see him being very much like your husband as this damn disease progresses. Gawd, I hate it all.

    • CindyBum
      CindyBum Member Posts: 387
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      Oh my, do I ever know the frustration with driving! I hit a bump….it's loud moans and groans like she's broken several bones. I avoid a bump, it's a loud "look out" like I'm about to go over a cliff. I drive to fast…I'm scaring her. I drive too slow…it's "when are we going to get there".

      My DW was always a major backseat driver, but she's now going for world record holder for biggest backseat driver ever.

      I always find my patience is harder to find when it's a behavior my DW has always had that annoyed me, but is now exacerbated by the dementia. Her backseat driving still hits my impatience button, but not nearly as much as it used to. Amazing to write that out and realize that is really true. I never thought I'd be able to let go of my absolute annoyance at her backseat driving, yet here I am somehow. I'll take that little win.

    • CampCarol
      CampCarol Member Posts: 187
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      My DH is the same way with bumps and potholes. He accuses me of injuring him if he gets jostled in his seat. He’s also gotten to the point where he shouts at familiar signs. We have a nursing home not too far away with a “Top Rated” sign outside. Every time we go by, he hollers “TOP RATED” or “LOOK OUT FOR TURTLES” (there’s a turtle crossing sign a bit beyond that). I’ve gotten used to it by now, but I never know when something new is going to pop out of him or what sign might get him going. To that end, I now bring a curated playlist of his favorite tunes and play them in the car. That usually gets him distracted and singing along (he can still remember all the words) so I can have some peace while driving.

    • marier
      marier Member Posts: 82
      Sixth Anniversary 25 Likes 25 Care Reactions 10 Comments
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      I too have these issues when driving DH. Pot holes, speed bumps, stop lights etc.. all invoke a loud response from him. I either go to slow or to fast.

      Victoriaredux is right on on her response about placing your loved one in the back seat. That is now DH's place in the car. He reached for the wheel one day and when not successful he open the car door to jump out of the car. The back seat has child locks so he can't open the door nor can he reach me while I am driving.

    • LaneyG
      LaneyG Member Posts: 164
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      DH just holds on to the handle for dear life. I chuckle as what goes around comes around. When he starts to comment I either tune him out or attempt an alternative conversation. I’ve had some respite for a year or 2 from the battle of his wanting to drive the car. I was just relieved about that. But just before this current hospitalization one of his threatening outbursts was because he wanted to drive. Ugh…

      What I worry about for you is safety. Would he ever try to grab the wheel from you or get angry to the point where you can’t drive safely?

    • Grandot
      Grandot Member Posts: 16
      10 Comments 5 Likes 5 Care Reactions First Anniversary
      Member

      oh do I understand. I drove 6 blocks to the grocery store with my husband. He criticized me 3 times for the way I drove. It was all I could do not to jump out of the car and tell him to drive.

    • justbreathe2
      justbreathe2 Member Posts: 128
      100 Comments 25 Likes 25 Care Reactions First Anniversary
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      Just venting about driving...

      annie51

      Oh yes, I know what you mean. Before this disease he never criticized me on driving. Now it is like I am a new driver behind the wheel. My DH has lost all directions to places, doesn’t remember doctors, or offices. So when starting out he wants to know location…do we turn right at this corner, etc. No, it’s left. I tell him just wait, you will recognize it when we get closer. Bumps are a big problem for him. Before he was diagnosed he started yelling at me for hitting a bump one day. I pulled over and parked. Told him this needs to stop! You are going to make me have an accident, or nervous breakdown. So he doesn’t do it so much now.

      I am learning to tune him out. It is much easier than getting myself all worked up.

    • [Deleted User]
      [Deleted User] Posts: 0
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    DH = Dear Husband
    DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
    LO = Loved One
    ES = Early Stage
    EO = Early Onset
    FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
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