Totally inappropriate and weird clothing choices
We live in a CCRC and have a communal dining room. My husband has started picking out really bizarre clothing ensembles to wear to dinner. For example, last night he wanted to wear jogging pants, an orange long sleeved biking shirt, and a white button down shirt with a white undershirt over it, a tie that was tied with the back half almost touching his waist and the front up by his pocket. He paired this with black dress shoes and white socks. He also put a belt around the waist of the joggers - which of course had no belt loops., and a suit jacket to top it all off. I just can't let him embarrass himself and me like that! I am still trying to get him into memory care, with some promises made that so far have not been kept, but in the meantime I would like for him to retain some dignity. It was WWIII. The only way he changed is that I refused to go to dinner with him looking like that, and he can't find the dining room by himself. He was moody and sullen all during dinner, so there was no real win there. Today he had his trainer and put on a suit jacket with his joggers, no shirt, the same tie, and the same black shoes with white socks. Again, I said I would not take him unless he changed. I am exhausted from the arguing, but I just don't want to be the butt of all the jokes in this community. Any suggestions? He also complains all of the time that his clothes are wet, and sometimes he wears four pairs of socks because he says his shoes are wet. Help! Thank you for any suggestions before I totally lose my sanity.
Comments
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I would discuss this with the staff—they know he needs MC—and tell them that you need for them to bring meals to your apartment until they can make other accommodations. Or they can take him to MC for meals and let him eat there.
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Ditto M1.
Iris
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Good plan! I never even thought of that! Thank you. I will call now and let you know how it goes.
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I agree with M1, but I would also add… it’s very sad to me that you feel you would be the “butt of jokes” in your community because of this. If these people can’t have compassion for somebody with a disease, then shame on them. It’s taken me years (and I’m still not 100% there) to finally let go of what other people think of me and mine. My husband doesn’t always dress or act appropriately either (not to the extent of what you described above), but we’re doing the best we can.
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Is there a dress code? If not, I would reduce the wardrobe choices.
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There is a dress code, but he doesn't care. I am hoping to get him into memory care soon (there have been many hurdles in this place, but we seem to be moving forward from a definite "no" to a "let's transition him in" approach. I thought when we made the move I would pare down the closet. Some of the people here are very understanding and some are not. I guess it is like anywhere else. Anyway - thanks for the advice!
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@Palmetto Peg
It's hard. My dad made similar sartorial choices, and my mom reacted as you are. His MO was trying to sneak out shopping or to a restaurant in his flannel pajama pants which he insisted were like my athleisure clothes. TBH, it's a rare trip to the grocery store near mom's 55+ community that I don't run into some elderly man rocking pajamas pants and/or shirt with his big white New Balance sneakers.
Mom did this out of love trying to protect him from the unkindness of others— and yeah, there are probably a few residents who would say something. He never understood it which lead to unhappiness for both. This happens in MC, too, dad wasn't shy about offering his opinion on the behavior of his fellow residents.
There was a gentleman who cared for his wife in a CCRC before she moved into the MC section; she would rifle through her clothes and put odd combinations together. Her granddaughter came and created several seasonally appropriate capsules wardrobes to last a week (undies, pjs, hosiery, and even costume jewelry), then they'd swap out for a new one. He kept the totes in their onsite storage space. Since you're going to downsize his wardrobe anyway, it might make sense to start culling out some of the unexpected options.
HB0 -
The clothing choices need to be limited now. Get rid of the suit coats and more formal clothing, keep only pajamas and casual things.
Also, please be prepared that the MC at your place may not end up taking him if he is at all difficult. They have already said no and no matter what they told you when you moved there, you will need an attorney to go through the contract and determine what promises were made in writing that you can actually hold them to.2 -
I find it sad that people will say a PWD won't do something when in reality they can't do anything anymore. They can't choose appropriate clothing. That's part of the definition of stage 6. PWDs need help.
Iris
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your husband can no longer reason. His reasoner is broken. To him his clothing choices make sense. No amount of arguing will change that. He won’t understand or remember. Pare down his clothes and create outfits and lay them out for him. Tell him how great he looks in them. As his disease progresses, he will be putting things on backwards and not being able to work belts, zippers and buttons. If he can’t find the dining room alone or find his way back to your apartment he needs memory care.
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One time as I was leaving the grocery store, I saw a man park in a disability parking spot. He got out and strode into the store. He was smoking a cigarette. He was wearing socks and shoes, a long sleeved shirt…and his incontinence garment - no pants. Sometimes you need to count your blessings.
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I think the best course is for you to make his clothing choices. Lay out what he’s going to wear the night before. If you live in the type of place that you have to change for dinner, you need to lay out that choice ahead of dressing time.
Along with his other symptoms, he’s now displaying the symptom of not being able to pick suitable clothing for the occasion ( or the weather probably).
I would disappear every article of clothing that he does not need to wear in the apartment or to meals. If suits, suit jackets, ties are not required… donate them. It’s not as if he’s going to go anywhere else that he will wear them. Maybe keep one stashed if you want it for his eventual funeral.
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I'm a contrarian. If your community is a retirement community, you are far from the only one dealing with a spouse with dementia. In the 7 years of my wifes journey I never said "no". I deleted completely unacceptable choices, delayed, and suggested more acceptable alternatives. "Try this, it will look nice with that". "Lets save that for dinner time". "This might be more comfortable." "You always look so nice in this" Etc.
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I also manage my spouse's choices by controlling what's available—trading out clothing by the season and "disappearing" clothing that's no longer useful, whether due to wear or style. There are few enough benefits of forgetfulness, so if something isn't going to be missed we should definitely enjoy the win-win.
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I'm working on paring down his wardrobe. He was always such a sharp dresser, and it is so hard to see him looking like a clown. For some reason, laying out his clothes just doesn't work. He leaves what I put out laying there and starts rummaging around for what he wants. He cannot find his way to the dining room, to the apartment, or to any place. He definitely needs memory care, but where we live has been difficult about it. Right now he is over in memory care playing checkers with the men, so I hope it is going okay. The plan is to get him more comfortable and familiar with the place, and then I will get "sick" and he will stay over so I can get well, and will stay permanently. I hope it works! He is definitely going to miss me, but this is just not sustainable, and the management here is well aware that I won't hesitate to bring my lawyer back to another meeting. His presence at the last one is why they are even trying to transition him over. Thanks for all of the suggestions - and getting rid of the suits is the first thing I will do!
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I have to weigh in with a bit of humor.
I am colorblind. When I was younger my older, fashion oriented, sister would advise on my wardrobe choices. Then for most of our 50 year marriage, my DW took on that role. So not only is my colorblindness a wardrobe handicap, but I also never needed to learn the fundamentals of "coordinated" outfits. As my DW is in an MCF, I am left to just wear what feels comfortable. I am probably blissfully ignorant of public scorn from the fashion police at what are undoubtedly garish clothing choices. So I say, as long as your LO is content with their choice, just let it go.3 -
It's all so hard. I would pare down his wardrobe in addition to the other strategies mentioned. If nothing else it will make it easier on the staff when he moves. Remove suit coats, dress clothes, seasonal clothes, and anything you don't want him wearing. We replaced my mother's closet with sets of easy/matching clothing. Elastic waist knit pants in solid colors, cotton tops, and cardigans. All in neutral colors colors so no matter what she chose it didn't look too crazy. One style and color of socks so they always matched. We removed winter boots, hats etc until the day she needed them so she wouldn't wear them. She would still embellish with odd things she found, but it was way more controlled. Do you have a storage locker where you could move the seasonal stuff?
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@Vitruvius , On a lighter note…….have you looked around lately? It seems the “fashion police “ have been defunded. Anything goes. (On the beach, less appropriate seems to be most popular.) It’s frightening to an old timer like me. 🥴🥴
1
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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