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Don’t know what to respond

CatladyNW
CatladyNW Member Posts: 48
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

My DH has just moved to a new MC after he was “dumped” in the ER by the prior facility. He is now getting great care, but the stay in the ER did a lot of damage. He cannot walk, has vision problems and his speech, which was poor, has become almost unintelligible. So he has lost the ability to communicate with the care givers, although I can get some of it. It is hard to tell how much he understands of what has happened to him- with Parkinsons dementia, he is in and out. So, I was taken aback today when he clearly said, I want to die. I would, too, if I were in his place, who wouldn’t? I don’t know what to respond, and it is so painful to think that he is aware that he is imprisoned in his own body. Any ideas how to handle this?

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  • midge333
    midge333 Member Posts: 469
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    I am sorry you and your DH are in this situation. Have you asked for hospice yet. It sounds like it would be appropriate.

  • jsps139_
    jsps139_ Member Posts: 258
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    That is so very sad. My Mom used to say, “I wish I would die.” I would tell her … God will take you home soon. Then I would talk about how great it will be for her to be reunited to my dad who passed away, and her daughter (my sister) who died at 17 yrs old. We would talk about all the relatives (her parents and siblings) that she would see in heaven. She would smile and smile. We both felt better.

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 881
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70854/don-t-know-what-to-respond

    My DH just had a similar experience from a month in the hospital from COVID where he has regressed to most likely stage 6. I pray every day for God to take him. I do wonder if our DH's have the cognition to grasp their situation. Does your DH believe in God and the hereafter? Would it be appropriate to discuss your beliefs in a positive way like what you look forward to when you move on to eternity? My sister and I talk about it a lot given our age, physical pains and difficulties. It comforts us and I am wondering if it would bring him peace knowing that he does have a new life (with a new mind and body) to look forward to.

  • Dio
    Dio Member Posts: 781
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    edited October 2024

    CatladyNW, so sorry you are going through this. My DH never said "I want to die." He did ask "am I going to die?" when he was told (by me) the disease is incurable. This was when we just got the diagnosis and I knew nothing about how to respond to a dementia patient. My response was, "we're all going to die one day. The moment we're born, we're destined to die. It's how we live that matters." I don't know if it sunk in.

    But it was I who wanted to die during our darkest period. Thankfully, my siblings rallied and intervened. (Although I still have suicidal thoughts occasionally, I can snap out of it on my own. Therapy and exceptional support groups like this one helps.)

    Back to your question, please take this with a grain of salt… I might answer with "let's not rush it. Death has its own plans." If your DH is religious, then perhaps "It's in God's hands." Try reminding DH of your love for him and that you'll never let him go. Wishing you all the best.

  • clarinetist
    clarinetist Member Posts: 178
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    My DH tells me he wants to die fairly often, and I’ve passed that on to his doctors. It was a shock the first time. He seems to feel that way in two situations: when he’s lucid (he’s always been aware that he has dementia though he no longer remembers what it’s called) and when he feels very frustrated (he can’t communicate or understand why he can’t do something).

    I don’t feel that I’ve ever adequately responded, but I like M1’s answer and will say that the next time my DH expresses suicidal thoughts. It is painful to realize how unhappy this disease can make our loved ones.

  • CatladyNW
    CatladyNW Member Posts: 48
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    Thank you all for the suggestions and kind thoughts. Yes, we just got hospice involved, and the chaplain is going to visit. But DH’s inability to speak makes it hard to establish a connection. M1, I like what you suggest, it’s very honest and straightforward. I will use those words and hope it gives him some comfort.

  • Jo C.
    Jo C. Member Posts: 2,958
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    Catlady, I am sorry for what is happening. You are doing a very good job of care under the existing circumstances. . Lots of good input from other Members who truly do understand.

    May Hospice bring much support and peace to you. We will be thinking of you, let us know how you are doing; we care.

    J.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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