Alzheimer's Progression is not Linear...

@LauraCD

I am so, so sorry you and your DH find yourself stuck in this place.

I know it's no help, but my mom and I could have written the exact post in the time around which he was initially diagnosed well into the middle stages. Now that we are in stage 8, I can truly say that the phase where dad was impaired in terms of executive function, social filter and empathy but at enough wherewithal to rail against the changes in the power dynamic of his relationship with mom and the necessary limitations on his participation in decision-making.

Dad had a lot of cognitive reserve and a challenging personality prior to dementia. He was not a good husband but so long as he was ruling the roost was entertaining. He definitely had some undiagnosed mental health issues— his psychiatrist thought maybe bipolar but I think he was more borderline or even a high-functioning sociopath. He and I never got along; I was not his favorite.

As a result, I saw a darker side of him than others seemed to experience until he developed dementia and lost the ability to control how he presented to others. As a result, it was impossible for me to wrap my mind around the oft cited it's the disease talking. Because I'd heard this song as far back as I can remember. It was easier for his brother and even mom to see it that way, but I knew better.

Once in stage 5ish I chided him for how ghastly he was treating mom. He looked at me and said, "I am miserable and plan to make everyone who had a hand in this suffer".

Dad's particular form of mixed dementia— Alz and an alcohol related form called Wernicke-Korsakoff's came with a lot of paranoia, suspicion and conflated memories. I struggled mightily with the idea that I should apologize for transgressions I had not committed. One he was stuck on was that I had "stolen" $360K from him. Sometimes I sold his house for too little or somehow got into his accounts, but the amount was oddly specific. We appealed to his geripsych for an increase in his Seroquel because of his agitation which was trending into aggression but dad showtimed and the psych came away with the impression we were looking to sedate him or something.

I decided to make a short video clip of one of dad's episodes to share with the psych and had the opportunity later that week when he started on the $360K (which I had discovered was the amount he lost daytrading). When he started, I suggested maybe he was confused and that he lost the money in the market. He went ballistic and I got my footage. But after, I tried admitting to the crime and promising never to sell his houses for too little and he calmed right down. Go figure. I was surprised it worked.

Mom had a harder time. He'd been the unfaithful partner on and off for years so when he accused her of cheating, she just couldn't accept that strategy even though she witnessed how well it worked. Even on lower stakes accusations, her apologies weren't always as accepted as mine.

We also found distraction pretty ineffective for both mom and myself until well into stage 6. My DH could redirect much earlier in the game than we could; some of his redirections were so ludicrous that it was hard for us not to laugh at them. It was almost like DH was trying to see what he could get away with. Again, he eventually was distractable for me sooner than with mom.

This sounds like a situation where medication should be trialed for both your sakes. It didn't give us a 180 in behavior, but it calmed things down so that dad could stay home through most of stage 6. The progression of the disease also helped in that he couldn't hold onto anger as effectively as he could earlier.

In the last weeks of his life, he changed a great deal. It was as if he regressed to the sweet little boy his old aunts described— a time before whatever mental health issues came to the surface.

HB

Oh Wow…It's my life to a T! I went and talked to his Neurologist by myself and he started him on Seroquel 25mg twice a day and I can go up to 50mg which I just might do…in almost 2 weeks I have had 3 good days. Other days I just can't get anything right. I'm hoping the increase will help, but also feel guilty for possibly calming him too much where he has no life, and sleeps. I know I do have to do something before he hurts me. He pushed me the other day and told me to go AWAY! LEAVE! I was aggrevating him on purpose so I could anyway…so I went to another room. He came in 1 1/2 hour later as if nothing had happened.

Sounds a bit like my DH & I think he’s stage 6, too. He is spending less time on his phone since I got about 20+ National Geographic magazines from the library and left them on the coffee table and dining table.

He finds the news app on his phone and he’ll read anything. I think his attention to what he’s reading has decreased b/c he no longer talks about the articles at all or asks me questions. Despite “reading the news” for hours every day over the summer and early fall he did not know who was running for President and never heard of Kamala Harris. Maybe 6+ months ago he’d ask a ridiculous question about what he’d read, but he was still able to hang on to details from the article. When he started reading the Nat Geos he asked me what do you think of this? I realized that he probably had something else to say or at least I knew he was not really saying anything except I’m reading this & I said it’s a good magazine, it’s been around forever. (We had a subscription for YEARS). He looked a bit confused & I said do you like it? He answered affirmative and seemed happy —like he was making a connection & tried to say something else but it didn’t really make sense. Moral of the story: he’s losing words and the ability to communicate verbally, rapidly, I think.
I am glad he likes the magazine, tho. 😂❤️Gods bless us all!