Why Stay?

WIGO23 · January 3

I hate the life I am living now. Why do I stay?

I love DH but not his behavior. He is not his behavior but much more.
He does not choose to behave this way. This disease chose him.
Fifty two years ago I vowed “in sickness and in health”. I keep my promises.
This disease may rob me of him but not of our pre-ALZ life we loved. Being in his presence keeps memories alive.
If I don’t stay but “cut and run”, what would happen to him?
Our children are not obligated nor should they sacrifice their lives to be 24/7 caregivers.
If the roles were reversed, he would do the same for me.

It helps to remind myself of why I stay and do this one more day.

trottingalong · January 3

You put into words exactly how I feel. Thank you.

Denise1847 · January 3

Why Stay?

WIGO23

Jan 3, 2025

I hate the life I am living now. Why do I stay?
I love DH but not his behavior. He is not his behavior but much more.
He does not choose to behave this way. This disease chose him.
Fifty two years ago I vowed “in sickness and in health”. I keep my promises.
This disease may rob me of him but not of our pre-ALZ life we loved. Being in his presence keeps memories alive.
If I don’t stay but “cut and run”, what would happen to him?
Our children are not obligated nor should they sacrifice their lives to be 24/7 caregivers.
If the roles were reversed, he would do the same for me.
It helps to remind myself of why I stay and do this one more day.

Sending you hugs. I have been married 52 years. I know what you are saying, and it grieves me every day that I had to place my husband in memory care. I knew that if I didn't, I would not survive. Every day I live with the guilt in knowing that I am what keeps him from coming home, but I know I can better care for him through the assistance of others in memory care than I ever could at home. I hope you can stay the course and weather all this disease does to you. He is 3 months in memory care and I still feel like I have PTSD. I admire your strength.

Biggles · January 3

Your comments clarify where I am I have come to the same place and the same answers.

Biggles · January 3

WIGO23 · January 3

There are many ways to “stay”. Making the hard decision that MC is best is definitely one way. I don’t know what our journey will be but I hope I have the strength to place DH in MC, if that is the best for him.

JosaJosa · January 3

My take is you are allowed to feel this way, and shouldn't feel any guilt in doing so. You signed up for a marriage till death parts you, but this horrible disease is stripping away what once was this person you fell in love with. You did not marry this illness, yet you are there for the moments when that person returns to you.
Allow yourself some time off when you can and don't be so hard on yourself, take it day by day and don't feel embarrassed to reach out for support, god knows we all need it.

Russinator · January 3

Great post. It's exactly how I feel.

midge333 · January 3

@WIGO23 : Well said!

annie51 · January 3

Thank you for this post. It’s a great reminder to keep focused on the “why” as I navigate the “what” and “how”.

cdgbdr · January 4

It's a journey and I don't know where it will take is. We are married 32 years at this point. I couldn't cut and run.

LindaLouise · January 4

So many good comments here. My dad had Alzheimer's and stayed very sweet until the end. He definitely shadowed my mom or me, was full of anxiety but never angry or aggressive. My DH, with EO diagnosed at 66 - but symptoms years before - is still very mobile, can be aggressive, never sleeps and walks constantly. I couldn't keep him in the house and he was constantly trying to break out. He was scary to me at times. I love him dearly (47 years of marriage) and he has been the dearest, most loyal hubby. I made the extremely hard choice to have him in memory care - I visit daily for hours, bring our dog for him to snuggle, and hear from the staff how he walks loops around the facility for long hours each day and still doesn't sleep at night. However, the staff is on 8 hour shifts, so there is always someone awake and alert to walk and talk with him. I'm now his favorite visitor instead of the evil jailer. He is far calmer in a situation where he doesn't see the normal comings and goings of a household, and is much more peaceful. I still think about bringing him home, and maybe I can someday, but for now, this is keeping him and me both safer.

SDianeL · January 4

I too understand how you feel. I had planned on caring for my DH until I could no longer physically do so. Unfortunately last December I was diagnosed with a rare aggressive breast cancer and could no longer care for him through chemo & surgery so I had to place him in memory care. I felt like I failed him. I soon realized that even without my diagnosis I would not have been able to give him the care he needed. Remember there is no shame in placing your LO in a place where they can be cared for and are safe. I should have had a Plan B but didn’t.

AlzWife2023 · January 4

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71665/why-stay

I used to remind myself with a similar rational list every day of when I’d get really sad or mad but I was still hanging on to the hate so the list was not very helpful. It was all I had for a time. Now, I’ve given over to my purpose completely and seek God every day for guidance. I am much more at peace. —a former atheist

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