Hopeless

Yes. I feel that way. I’ve had the last two weeks off of work and rejuvenated some, but can already feel the creeping dread of returning on Monday. I struggle nearly every day, the life we knew and planned for is over, and there’s no option to plan for any real future until this is done.

This much seems clear. We’re depressed, hours, with damn good reason. This is a terribly sad and exhausting journey.

I still feel a little fight in me though, so I’m gearing up to make some changes. More caregivers to let me work in the office with focus on my job. I bought cameras for the house too, to have an eye on things. I’m committing myself to daily gratitude this year. I so often forget how lucky I am in so many ways, somehow still. And, I’m pulling in my old athlete stuff; every mistake or loss is a growth opportunity. I wish God or the universe had less faith in me to grow to meet this terrible challenge, but here we are. I just can’t let myself down now, after all of these years fighting to smooth my DW’s path to the next stage.

I honestly don’t know how successful I’ll be in any of this, but if I go down, I’m going down swinging.