Police called update

Jarmac · January 4

I previously posted about my guy hearing music and calling the police. Many of you advised I needed to end the relationship. Updates on the current situation. He continues to hear music and has called police at least fifteen times. Police have called me 4 times. They are considering have paramedics check him out and take him to the hospital. I had a conversation with his doctor. She is concerned. She also advised me to end the relationship. Feels he is too confused. She is referring him to a psychiatrist for evaluation. Contacting his social worker thru the VA. She is contacting his son. Since he has disability status, he may be eligible for assisted living or memory care. She excluded me from his exam and their discussion. Ordered more lab work. His son is seeking a lawyer to set up POA. I feel so much relief that “the Calvary may be on the way”. My problem now is that my guy is not accepting that we broke up. Called 100 times on Monday. Continues to call, leave voicemails and texts. We have issues to settle and I explain and he immediately forgets. He is so upset. I hate to block his calls because he is so upset. I will talk to him maybe 3 times per day to try and settle him down. He has also decided that I must have a new guy (I do not). But I don’t know what to do.

SDianeL · January 4

so sorry. Hope the VA does help. My DH went into a BA memory care facility and got excellent care there. It seems you only have 2 choices: keep taking his calls or block him which is what I think you should do. You can’t help him. You have no legal right to help him. You have done all you can. He’s only going to get worse. Wishing you he strength to make the decision.

Quilting brings calm · January 4

You need to block his calls. This is a situation that the VA, his son, and the legal authorities need to solve. He’s not going to cooperate with them as long as you continue to take his calls.

Why are the police continuing to call you? Haven’t you told them that you are not in a relationship, that you have no legal authority or responsibility for him? Are they getting your number from his phone? The next time the police call you- ask them to delete your number from his phone.

trottingalong · January 4

I have to agree with the others. It’s time to block his calls, for yourself and for him. At this point you could possibly be exacerbating the problem. Let his son, the doctor and VA take over from here.

Victoriaredux · January 4

"We have issues to settle and I explain and he immediately forgets. " Whatever issues there are can wait until he has an appointed guardian and wrap them up with them then if really necessary.

"He is so upset. I hate to block his calls because he is so upset. I will talk to him maybe 3 times per day to try and settle him down." He doesn't remember , it's a transitory false calm and keeps you in his mental loop.

" He has also decided that I must have a new guy (I do not). But I don’t know what to do. " This part scares me - he may decide to harm your imaginary new guy and hurt a neighbor , a plumber , or you. Never open your door to him. Follow best practices to not be followed home and be careful in garages , walkways to your front door etc.

"I had a conversation with his doctor. She is concerned. She also advised me to end the relationship. Feels he is too confused. She is referring him to a psychiatrist for evaluation. " Any contact you have with him in the future would be against medical advise.

"Contacting his social worker thru the VA. She is contacting his son. Since he has disability status, he may be eligible for assisted living or memory care. She excluded me from his exam and their discussion. " Why would you have wanted to be involved? You have no status - let it go.

" His son is seeking a lawyer to set up POA. " A POA would need the ex-bf's agreement and a lot of work by the son to get placement or a guardianship. Based on the prior behavior of the son he's not eager to take it on. The others won't step up if they can call you and then go about their day .

Follow the doctor's advise . Keep safe. Give the police the doctor, the social worker and the son's numbers if they call again and say you are worried for YOUR safety and they should do what they feel is best but it's not your situation to handle anymore—on HIS doctor's orders . Stress your safety matters so they stop punting the issue over to you.

Talking to a counselor to put this relationship behind you would probably be something to consider . [Erase all the reminders you have for his dental cleanings , birthdays etc from your calendar- you aren't going to handle his future anymore].

harshedbuzz · January 4

@Jarmac

Please take the advice you've been given here and by his doctor. There's a reason everyone else is on the same page.

I know it feels wrong, but the circumstances are such that he is no longer fully the man you fell in love wit. You have neither the rights, obligation nor inclination to take on the task of 24/7 responsibility for the man he's become.

In taking any number of calls, you are breaking the Cardinal Rule of Dementia Fight Club— one does not attempt to reason with a person who has a broken reasoner. It would be kinder to block the calls and let him forget you.

I agree with the suggestion to consider some short-term therapy to help you process what is happening.

HB

Quilting brings calm · January 4

I’m posting a second time because I reviewed your previous discussions. Your previous postings indicate you’ve wanted out of this situation since last summer. You moved him back to his condo then.

What you’ve been doing since then has not accomplished that goal. That’s because he cannot understand logic like a normal person. What he understands is that you answer your phone and talk to him. What he understands is that you go to the doctor with him- you mention being excluded from an exam- that tells me that you were there in the waiting room. Therefore he sees you as his person. That’s not going to change as long as you are in his reality in even a small way.

Whatever the ‘issues that need to be settled’ are - cannot be settled directly with him. He cannot understand or at least can’t remember the conversations about them. If it’s a matter of stuff being in one location or another - then get stuff back where it belongs. If it’s a matter of joint accounts, then open yourself new accounts and talk about getting your money out of the old accounts with a lawyer. Same if you own property together. Accept that you will probably lose money separating yourself from this.

Jgirl57 · January 5

Thank you for the update , that’s all good progress . He will never understand that you broke up . Tell him you have to leave town for a bit and then block his calls . You advocated for him and he now has a “team” that can begin to help him. Give yourself a pat on the back AND a hug and then remember the guy you once knew. After some time has passed ( a good bit of time) perhaps you could visit him from time to time in his new placement. Best wishes jarmac

Phoenix1966 · January 5

The man you fell in love with is gone and is not coming back. If there are legal issues left to settle, then do so with the POA. If there were emotional ones to settle, I'm afraid that time has passed because he's gone.

Now is the time to block the calls and grieve for what's been lost. I'm so sorry.

mrahope · January 5

I know it's heart rending to see those calls, but don't slide back into the situation. As much as we want closure, we can't ever get it from a person whose mind is (in a sense) a revolving door.

Police called update

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