Hi everyone, my mother is in MC. She constantly calls me, and gets upset if I don’t pick up the phone. I have blocked her number. I call her most days to check on her. She is now talking other residents and an aide to call my number from their phones. Do I need to figure out each new number and block that? I also don’t want to miss the truly emergency number from the facility. Driving me nuts. Thanks for any advice.
Let all unrecognized numbers go to voicemail. The MC will call you if you are needed.
Ask the director to tell the staff not to call you just because your mom asks them to. They should be instructed to call only in appropriate situations- and from a recognized number.
I agree with the comment above. The director at the MC should be able to make sure the appropriate protocols are followed. The staff may need further education.
You may also consider taking her phone all together; there are too many ways that she could be scammed into sharing her information. She will likely be very angry that she doesn't have her phone anymore, but in the long run, she will eventually forget. If you have to blame it on the phone being broken and cannot be fixed, and then redirect to another activity, that may help.
you could give her a new number like a google nbr that just gives a voice greeting and asks caller to leave a message . Maybe it’ll satisfy her need to assert some independence. Prayers for peace.
I’m in the same boat. I’ve gotten up to 70 calls per day. I’m considering taking away her phone. I love the Google line option.
My mother (88) has been in an ALF for almost 9 weeks. She’s not transitioning well at all, and will likely not be eligible to remain. They have eluded to her possibly needing MC instead of AL (due to the AL not being a lock-down), and her anxiety and new, unwelcome behaviors (that include calling the police trying to get out) are creating issues.
However, they’ve made it clear they don’t have any spaces in their MC right now. This outcome would require another transition, ugh. Such a challenging disease.
I’m still processing this all and problem solving. There’s so much to say, but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. The phone issue is real! Ugh!
Sending well wishes and thoughts of support and ease. <3
KH, Victoria, and everyone struggling with the phone: it’s a huge deal. You are not crazy. When my mom first moved to AL - actually, before she moved to AL, when my mom first had real dementia symptoms - the constant calls were a true nightmare. I thought she was just being thoughtless, not realizing or caring I was at work. When she moved to AL it got worse, in MC it didn’t get better. She forgot how to use it, thought it was broken, and it became a source of anxiety and frustration.
I first tried switching to a land line. She carried that around and unplugged it. Soon she forgot about phones altogether.
All of this to say…you may need to ditch the phone. I know it is hard. It requires accepting that this disease is progressing. But I will say that without the phone my mom was a lot less anxious. You may find the same.
In the meantime block the calls. They are not helping her and won’t help you. I’m so sorry. This disease is extremely difficult and we watch our LO have so many losses. It will get easier.
Phone needs to disappear permanently. “I’m sorry, it broke and they’re waiting for a part.” Rinse and repeat. The calls are likely increasing her distress. I’m sorry. The staff can help her contact you—or will contact you themselves—if she actually needs help.
When she calls you, what does she want to talk about? Can you share what stage dementia you estimate she is probably in right now?
Thank you for this post. Very helpful, and yes, there seem to be sooo many things with this situation that are begging for acceptance right now from me. The acknowledgment of her continued progression is important for me.
I do think I’ll soon opt to remove it from her altogether sooner rather than later. Appreciate you sharing.
Yes, thank you. Realizing this is likely the best approach. All this is so helpful and affirming.
My mother called me several times a week. She was always upset and wanting me to come get her or she was too agitated to put her words together at all. She would send only partial texts or respond to a text I had sent days and days ago that she hadn't noticed at the time. The staff told me Mom carried the phone around with her everywhere. She tapped it very hard when she couldn't get it to do whatever it was she wanted. They said she complained about the clock and the calendar, not believing the time and date. I'd check her phone when I visited only to find that strange people had tried to communicate with her via texts and social media. It was just too much. As it happened, Mom started taking stuff out of her room and leaving things in random locations in the commons area. Once it was her phone, and the staff kept it. They called me and asked if they could just keep it until she asked for it. I told them to keep it no matter what until I could come get it the next time I visited. She never did ask for the phone back. She told me she lost it once when she was having a day of awareness, and I told her not to worry about it that it would show up eventually. We just left it at that. She also misplaced the remote to her TV, so we just consider them lost. It was weird at first not hearing from her for days at a time. Once when she was particularly agitated, the head nurse called me to ask if I could talk to her to calm her down. I did. Mom accepted the fact that she was talking to me even though it was on a different phone. So far, that's the only time. I'm sad that she and I won't be talking on the phone anymore, but those conversations hadn't been pleasant for a long time. I miss lots of pleasant things we used to do together. I know that taking the phone away was the best thing for her.
When my mom moved from AL to MC a year ago, we simply did not move her phone with her. It was hardest on long-distance family and friends who wanted a way to contact her. But she often did not recognize what the ring meant or what to do about it. And then could not recognize the voice of the person on the phone or connect the name with the relationship. Face to face is the only thing that makes sense to her any more. Stinking dementia!
The phone was an issue with my mom also before she went to AL.
When I was able to get her placed into AL I made the decision along with my siblings not to provide her a phone there. I think it was a very good decision, even though there has been moments when I wish she had a phone.
She had only been there a few days when I got a call from one of the aids saying that my mom was screaming at her telling her to call my daughter. Told her to just simply tell mom that she had called me and that I knew. So when I got done with my grocery shopping, I went up there, but I simply spoke to the caregiver and asked if my mom had settled down. And she said yes she had and I said OK then I’m leaving and I will be back tomorrow because I do not want her to think she can do this and manipulate me coming in here. The incident has not occurred again.
Mint, you are so smart in the way you handled your mother’s demands. Detaching a bit + handling behaviors is vital if you want to maintain your own sanity!
That’s so similar to how I’m feeling about knowing that taking her phone away is imminent, and the right thing to do
I’m so sad at the fact that soon, I won’t be communicating much, if at all, on the phone with her. Reading your words about feeling sad about missing the pleasant conversations, and realizing there hasn’t been one for quite some time resonates, too. Also, I’m recognizing how it has been a long time since I’ve done anything pleasant with her - oh, how I miss those times. We were quite close, and spent a lot of time together over the years.
hi everyone, just wanted to say thank you SO much for your great suggestions and also the validation of all this! This forum has helped me in so many ways and has been a true lifeline. Hugs to you all!! ❤️
Karen
Thank you and you as well.
the phone causes more anxiety for patients that we realize. Let it go. Once I did with my mom I wish I had done it sooner.
Man, I am right there too. My LO is at a MC and the phone calls can be incessant. Family members who don’t live close are also the recipients of the frequent phone calls and at the same time, if I take the phone away, their lifeline to my LO goes away. It is such a huge problem. Often the hourly phone calls to all of us are about the same thing … any advice is discarded and forgotten. My LO is having greater difficulty with their phone but has also told me if it is taken away, they will be SUPER anxious. Staff at MC is weary of the daily assistance with it. Even other family members of other residents at the MC tell me they have had to help. Ugh.
Yes, I learned the hard way too. No phones is best. I told my mom the phone lines were down and it may take time to get repaired. She forgot eventually and it hasn't been an issue. She was having trouble using the phone as well but the calls were too many. The staff will definitely call you if an emergency should arise.
