Financial crisis in the making

6isenough · February 6

My dh was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s in May 2024. He is 52. He was a partner in a law firm. He made a lot of money….then. Due to his disease, he had to leave work and now he has nothing to do but spend money. He gets daily deliveries of things that he doesn’t use. Sometimes , he doesn’t even open the packages. I know he’s missing mortgage and other payments. He will not share financial information with me. He won’t talk to me about a budget. If I ask questions, he ignores me.

I am sick. I have Lupus, mixed connective tissue disease, and multiple health problems that go untreated because I am unable to have the surgeries and treatments that would require support from my dh. I haven’t been able to work for 5 years. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.

harshedbuzz · February 6

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry for the reason you are here but pleased you found this place.

Yours is a particularly difficult situation. In order to protect yourself and your DH, it is critical that you take over control of the situation which sounds challenging. Dementia impacts so much more than just memory even in the earlier stages. You can expect to see a lack of empathy, an inability to initiate activities, poor executive function, a lack of social filter and judgment.

If you don't have a DPOA you can use and your DH isn't willing to sign one, you may need to obtain guardianship/conservatorship in order to take over. Has he signed up for social security disability? I would suggest seeing an elder law attorney. A smart phone and internet access is not safe for a PWD. At the very least, I would change with WiFi password and perhaps set up a second account to which you sweep money when it comes in.

HB

MN Chickadee · February 6

What a difficult position you are in. You will need to work behind the scenes, you cannot reason with him anymore, his brain is beyond that. You first need to see an elder law attorney, by yourself. They will tell you how to go about the initial steps for power of attorney and protecting your assets. You cannot go on letting him have access to bank accounts, money, and the internet. You must get legal counsel immediately. Don't tell your husband, just make an excuse to be gone and go alone.

You may have to have the mail forwarded to a PO box only you access so you get the bills before he does. Change wifi password so he can't get on it. Change credit card numbers, freeze credit with the 3 credit agencies so no lines of new credit can be opened in his name. Use fibs such as you don't know why it isn't working, will call to get it fixed. Then the tech sure takes a long time. He would likely be able to get on social security disability for income and healthcare coverage. You have a lot of things in front of you but try to take it one step at a time. A good elder law attorney will make a big difference. You may also want to talk to the social workers at the Alzheimers Association hotline.

trottingalong · February 6

I have nothing to add except I’m so sorry this is happening. If you have a close friend or close family member you trust, talk to them and ask if they can assist you in organizing the appts you need to make. Easy to say you are meeting so and so for lunch and go to the appt with an attorney. Please keep us posted.

CampCarol · February 6

Great advice from everybody above. This will be daunting, we’ve all been there. One step at a time is right and the best way to approach it. You should also read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which will give some you some additional insight into the disease and it’s progression. Hang in there and know that you have support here!

Biggles · February 6

ditto to harshedbuzz and Chickadee it’s such a rotten disease it’s so hard to understand how our DH’s can sometimes appear ‘normal’ but something will happen and you realise the cogs aren’t turning correctly. My DH was a computer architectural draftsman with our own business and it has been very hard for him to give it all up, dealing with councils, engineers, government contractors etc all the business stuff. Could you manufacturer some fictitious contracts to deal with, spreadsheets, money planners etc. Set up a new email address for yourself with a business name so you could deal with stuff like an outsider? It doesn’t take much to ‘kid’ them along. Just a thought. This is a great site to share, laugh and cry good luck.

6isenough · February 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71965/financial-crisis-in-the-making

Thank you all for your advice and support. I am making an appointment with an elder attorney….No, I am not. When my Dh was out having lunch with his family, I decided to look through his desk to see if there was anything I might want to have a copy of. It turns out that my Dh has already assigned a DPOA and it is not me. He did this about a year before his diagnosis. Of course, I never had any idea. I cannot remember a time that I felt so betrayed. Of course, there is no point in asking him why. Not now.

harshedbuzz · February 10

@brett/lori

Please talk to an elder law attorney. You have been dealt a raw deal, but you have options. There is a possibility that you could make a case that a year prior to his diagnosis, he had already lost the capacity to make the decision. Or perhaps he elected to do this because of the uncertainty of your health. As a spouse, you may be able to secure guardianship despite him having a DPOA.

Divorce could also be an option. It's not ideal, but it might make better financial sense to split the martial assets now while there still are some.

HB

6isenough · February 10

Thank you harshedbuzz. I will move forward with an attorney. I have contacted the DPOA, and have asked for his assistance. He is a friend of my husband. I believe he is obligated to perform the duties of DPOA. That will certainly help my husband and give me some relief.

Thank you for mentioning divorce. As a last resort I will have to consider it. How awful that would be for him. I am so sorry for anyone who has to endure this terrible disease.

Phoenix1966 · February 10

Just wanted to add that a person designated as a DPOA can refuse the job, so don’t count on this person to be “obligated” to do anything.

If they’ve already signed the DPOA document, they may need to formally "resign" by providing written notice, depending on your state's laws and the specifics of the document itself; always consult an attorney for guidance in such situations.

terei · February 10

Phoenix is right. The DPOA that was designated may want to have to part of what is bound to be a very messy situation.

6isenough · February 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236070#Comment_236070

I have been so misinformed. Thank you for clearing this up for me. DPOA wasn’t exactly responding to my questions in a way that I would have expected from a “friend”.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/235780#Comment_235780

I did start reading The 36 hour Day. What a great resource for people like me that are struggling to cope with their loved ones diagnosis. Thank you!

MN Chickadee · February 11

Keep looking for important documents, bills, titles, financial statements and take pictures for your upcoming meetings with your attorney. Yes, the DPOA can resign their duties. I wonder if your husband has told the friend untrue things about you? You would think the friend would jump at the chance to finally discuss this with you, ask why your husband didn't choose is wife, discuss what should be done for him etc. Very odd. The friend may want no part in what is to come unless perhaps he thinks he is to benefit financially. Being a DPOA for a person with dementia is quite the commitment. You need a good attorney immediately to prepare for the various scenarios and protect yourself financially. So glad you are moving forward with that and reading up on the disease. You are already more educated on your situation in just a couple days by taking small steps. You can do this.

Sandi Roe · February 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236024#Comment_236024

dang, I get what you are saying. My LO and I have been together 16 years, I have the paperwork for POS but in truth I’m 81, he is 86, we both have loving caring family, I don’t understand the 1-8 numbers system but I don’t want POA , , I’ve already done that with my late husband and I’m not doing it again. Everyone keeps asking if I have a plan, huh NO…one day at a time, some are better than others. I hate the saying “ it is what it is “ but it’s so true! We own a home together, so if he needs more care guess we’ll sell the house, and let our kids digit out! I figure we have a few more years together, at our age maybe it won’t matter? Sounds cold but I’m a survivor, I can only do what I can do, I sold his car so now he isn’t driving. Locked his guns in the safe he doesn’t know the combination, took over all his bills saying we will just pay them online, so I do what I can, sorry he made someone else in charge of his affairs but maybe down the line it’s a blessing, hugs

v3 · February 12

"We own a home together, so if he needs more care guess we’ll sell the house, and let our kids digit out!"

Sandi Roe - if you haven't , suggest you talk to an elder law attorney about ways to deal with a co-owned home before something happens and you've lost life-style changing options.

What if either or both of you need placement , and the other ,probably YOU -still wants to stay in the home? But his kids force a sale? Would a trust help shelter the house equity to get medicaid coverage ?

Have an attorney explain what is possible , sure after you're both gone the kids can tussle but while either of you is alive — enhance your choices. While an elder law attorney isn't inexpensive , if you don't plan ahead the cost to hire one to try to get out of a bad situation is so much worse - financial and nerves .

Financial crisis in the making

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