Wife will not help herself

s77barri · February 13

my wife of 57 years has AD, MMD and high anxiety. She refuses to take walks, exercise of any form, stopped doing anything around the house, because of hip and knee replacements, cannot cook anymore because she can’t remember how. She constantly picks at me for how dirty the house is when I’ve cleaned it and how bad my cooking is. Short stays at our daughters home doesn’t help with relief for me. I’m burnt out!!! Meds haven’t helped at all. Treatments have not helped. Don’t know what to do.

CindyBum · February 13

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would be burnt out too! In fact, I am burnt out and taking a medical leave from work.

I have come to terms during my first week out that I have to go look at memory care facilities. Even if you're not ready for that, it's time for you to get some more help. Can you swing some in-home care?

xoxo

Carl46 · February 13

My wife has taken on a management role as well. She doesn't know anything or do anything, she just tells me what to do, just like my supervisors before I "retired" to work full time for her. I am applying for adult day care for her, so I can have a few days off and get things done without her "help."

B2ingua · February 13

I started that a couple weeks ago. I am looking at it like a baby step to full care and maybe she gets used to that facility or their routine.

Bailey's Mom · February 13

Carl46, Same thing here…have a HWD giving me financial advice and advice on everything else, and then will ask me "where's the toaster, how do I get ice out of the refrigerator, what time is it, what day is it, etc." He is incapable of even writing a check, but I just go with it…easier than starting a long, drawn out lecture…ugh…

s77barri · February 13

A recent PET scan revealed Amyloid plaque which is consistent with diagnosis. She has a neuropsych testing in March. Which I hope the doc's can give us additional information.

I get that everything is dirty and the food is no good. She doesn't make any attempt to exercise, or do anything that would help cognitively.

She has been going through this for 4-years and taken 20+ different meds and Nothing has worked. Went through 2-TSM treatments and 1-Ketamine session of 6 treatments and still nothing worked.

As of now there is no cure for AD.

Biggles · February 14

Same same exhausting just back from the monumental task of having an eye test. Slow shuffle along the corridor, a scary trip down the escalator, another slow shuffle to the optometrist then both of us tucked in to the small testing room with my DH chatting ?? he has APHASIA so making no sense. He’s past doing anything at home or anywhere else, sweet but incapable. He has to have his needs attended to first showering, dressing, breakfast all slow then I rush around. As for housework, sweeping, washing, lawn mowing etc etc. He constantly picks on stuff outside, upkeep of the house I think it’s because he knows he can’t do anything and sort of knows he should be able to do stuff. He still thinks he can drive the car, fly a plane and sail. I used to get frustrated until I asked my DH to get the rake out of the shed and he was quite lost as what to do came back with a piece of rope. That’s when I realised it’s the disease, it’s so very cruel and we just have to run with it. I am so sorry Churchill’s words “Never Give Up”.

SDianeL · February 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236303#Comment_236303

it’s very common in moderate to late stages of the disease. Unless you can find something she enjoys like walking you’re not going to get her to exercise. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. She can’t clean or cook because she no longer knows how. She complains because she’s anxious not because the house is dirty or the foods not good. Her taste has changed due to the disease. Many with dementia crave sweets or eat large amounts of food at one time. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which really helped me after my husbands diagnosis. Also Tam Cummings videos online are good. I think you should consider memory care and start looking for your own physical and mental health. So sorry you are going through this. We all understand.

Quilting brings calm · February 14

It’s not that she Won’t help herself. It’s not a choice anymore. She Can’t do the thought process needed to do cause and effect, action vs consequence. Logic doesn’t work on people with dementia. You will be much less stressed if you think of it as can’t vs won’t.

Many people have admitted they are not natural caregivers - or that their spouse needs more care than they can provide. There is no shame in admitting that you and your wife would do better with her in a facility of some type. Where you can be her spouse and her advocate but also have home be a place of refuge and peace again.

RetiredTeacher · February 14

Can you get someone to come in and clean the house once or twice a month? It is exhausting caregiving full time and also doing all the cooking, cleaning, yard work, finances and anything else that needs to be done. Do get some respite care for yourself, even if it's only a few hours a week. We need to maintain our sanity so we can take care of our loved ones. Stay strong and empower yourself to get the help you need.

s77barri · February 15

this helps, thank you for your input and suggestions.

s77barri · February 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236364#Comment_236364

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236290#Comment_236290

my DW refuses to go to adult daycare!!!

Wife will not help herself

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