DH's friend is stirring up trouble...

Dio · February 16

This person thinks I'm imprisoning my DH by keeping him in memory care instead of moving him to AL or independent living or back home. He doesn't agree with my care plan for my DH. I responded by saying "he's my husband, not yours!" whether you agree with me or not. He says he's done some research and can challenge my POA…really?? I suppose one way is getting my DH to sign some type of grievance or declaration of desire to be more independent?? Who in memory care doesn't want to be back home?!

I've already asked the mcf not to allow any visitors without my prior authorization, but that's just loosely regulated. Night shift, day shift, and new employees…too many changing of the guards. And he can sneak in by entering with other visitors. I don't know. I'm just too upset to think clearly right now.

Carl46 · February 16

I don't see how he can challenge your POA unless he can obtain guardianship. And that would be extremely unlikely given that you are DH's wife, demonstrate care for DH, and have the POA DH signed when he was competent. In my opinion, the "friend" is blowing smoke. If he applies to be guardian, he will lose and have to pay his legal fees and yours.

This kind of thing really ticks me off. You have enough on your plate without his foolish friend butting in.

CampCarol · February 16

I’m so sorry you are going through this, how ridiculous and sad he’s inserted himself into your life like this! I don’t have any words of wisdom regarding the situation, but I agree with Carl above: he’s blowing smoke trying to guilt or intimidate you. I don’t see how he could possibly prevail. You hang in there, we’re all here for you!

midge333 · February 16

I am sorry. Being the spouse of someone with dementia is hard enough by itself. You don't need the added stress of this kind of BS.

Palmetto Peg · February 16

Block his number and refuse to have any further conversations with him. I would also remind the MC staff that if this toxic person should institute guardianship action, they will be required to produce all kinds of documentation as to the care your DH has been receiving there. That might help keep him from being allowed in. He is just blowing smoke, but you don't need it. Disputing a POA, especially by a non-family member is very expensive, and he will end up paying his legal fees as well as yours. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!

Russinator · February 16

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

terei · February 16

I personally would see a lawyer + even consider getting a restraining order. I also would not have any more conversations with him AT ALL. I would think it would be impossible for him to challenge a POA without a legal proceeding

Chris20cm · February 16

It seems like your husband's "friend " is trying to bully you into giving up your own peace of mind, for his own convenience. You know your husband is getting the best possible care according to the needs of both of you. Idle threats about taking over your POA are manipulative and should be disregarded if you can, otherwise contact an attorney, maybe through your state or county department of aging and disability services.

blacksparky · February 16

I agree with everyone above especially with getting a restraining order for both you and your LO. This will get him out of your life hopefully. Good luck and prayers being said.

LJCHR · February 16

How sad that this busy body is causing you so much grief. It's not as if our lives aren't stressful enough just caring for our loved ones and watching their demise. I would block his number and try to avoid him. Most likely he will give up the fight if he is not allowed to see or communicate with either of you. He needs to find another hobby besides making your life miserable. Best of luck in dealing with this.

SDianeL · February 17

it’s amazing to me how many people butt in and try to tell caregivers what and how to do things They have no idea. I think I would be tempted to call the friends bluff and suggest to the busybody that you would be happy to have the facility prepare your DH’s things so that the friend can take your DH for one month and care for him by himself 24/7. (I wouldn’t actually follow through but would make the friend believe I would). Ditto on blocking all contact and calling your attorney. So sorry you are having to deal with this. Hugs.

Dio · February 17

Thank you, everyone, for your support!

Instead of being a sitting duck, first thing in the morning I emailed my attorney for advice and counsel, gave a brief overview of my situation and am awaiting to schedule a meeting with her. It was of great concern that this friend had boasted to another friend about how easy it is to revoke a DPOA. All that's needed is for DH to sign a prepped statement/letter/form indicating his intent to revoke the POA, with a witness and then have it notarized, and his current DPOA would be revoked—me, will then be powerless to advocate for DH.

I needed to investigate where this boldness, or audacity rather, came from. Perhaps, it was DH who might have told his friend he wants to go home. Well, who in memory care doesn't?! So I inquired DH about what he might have said to his friend, the threat to revoke his POA to cut me out of the picture, and he was just as surprised and denied he put his friend up to it. Again said he didn't want to be moved. He likes the MCF and his routine and familiarity there. I cautioned him about this friend's possible nefarious intent to take away my power as agent, and to not sign anything without my presence and he agreed. Fingers-crossed he will remember. Gosh, placing a LO in memory care and dealing with the myriad of issues is hard enough, let alone having a "friend" who wants to stir up trouble. This so called friend hasn't contacted me directly. Everything was communicated via another friend, whom he used as a conduit. Long story…I just had an inkling he was up to something no good and had admonished him about breaching my trust. Haven't heard from him since. With a friend like that, who needs enemies? But oh, I forget, he's not my friend. He's DH's.

Phoenix1966 · February 18

Good for you for taking the bull by the horns. It’s a shame, however, that you can’t count on the MC facility to actually control the flow of visitors.

Dio · February 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236603#Comment_236603

The facility said they are not allowed to prohibit visitors without a restraining order. 😔

TXGram · February 18

I’m so sorry this happened to”friend” is inserting themself.

JJ401 · February 18

"He says he's done some research and can challenge my POA…"

Stop talking to this guy. Tell him that since he is threatening you with legal action, you will no longer discuss DH with him. When his lawyer contacts you, you will give him your lawyer's name.

Once you've told him, stop talking to him. If he calls, don't answer the phone. If somehow you see him in person, just repeat that due to his considering legal action you will not be discussing DH with him. Then walk away.

GothicGremlin · February 18

I'm glad you're seeing your attorney soon, Dio.

Some similar stuff came up when I was looking after my sister…. My brother (a problematic personality to be sure) had notions about how Peggy's care should go, based on his "research." He had never spoken with me, or to any of her doctors or friends, mind you. For example, in his infinite wisdom he decided to tell her about our uncle's death, and of course Peggy hallucinated our uncle for months and months afterward.

I spoke with the memory care director (in CA) about possibly limiting his ability to see her and they told me they could ban him for an amount of time without a restraining order or even a court order. They looked to see whether or not the visitor was harming a resident's health or well being. I ended up not banning him, but I was always happy just knowing that I could if I felt the need. I didn't ban him because family was very important to Peggy, so I always viewed a ban as a measure of last resort.

I did run it all by an attorney though (just in case). Getting guardianship is the foolproof way to get rid of meddlers, but it's time consuming and expensive. A DPOA can be revoked, but your DH would have to have the mental capacity to do that. Given that he's in memory care I think there is a strong argument to be made that he does not have the mental capacity to revoke.

Is there a reason why you wouldn't consider a restraining order? I ask only because it's something I considered with regard to my brother. If Peggy's memory care facility hadn't been so willing to ban him, I probably would have pursued it a little more. I probably wouldn't have followed through though.

Dio · February 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236672#Comment_236672

A restraining order in California requires repeated evidence of threat/harm/harassment to the principal. Since this evil person has not executed his plan yet, there's no proof of threat. It is definitely in my back pocket.

I'm sorry you went through this, too, as if we're not stressed enough having lost our LO to this cruel disease on a daily basis. Now I'm forced to spend and drain more funds. The audacity of him to butt into our lives this way. True friends don't do this.

DH's friend is stirring up trouble...

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