Now I have time to be sad

CaliforniaGirl-1 · February 17

I hope this is not inappropriate.

My very, very elderly LO is safe now and in a steady decline. The analogy I use is that mentally and physically it is like a train slowly pulling away. But I tell myself that she is well looked after and treated with respect and affection at her MC. She still seems to know me and is not scared or unhappy or in pain and I believe and hope (and tell her) that she knows she is loved. Even in just the last few years there has been an enormous change, like a blackboard being erased.

I miss the person she was and the relationship we had every day. I think about picking up the phone to tell her something she would have liked to hear. I hope when the time comes I will remember her as she was and not the horrible years of struggle, exhaustion and crisis to get her safe.

Having been through loss even with parents who are not PWD the fading away is not uncommon in the last years.

It is possible to be very grateful to be where we are (my LO is safe and well cared for) and sad at the same time. But when I get too sad, I look around and remind myself that we are very, very fortunate and it was a long struggle to get to this point, where we have the time to think about things and feel sad rather than terrified, and exhausted and all those other things you feel, as we were for years trying to get to this point.

I have to remind myself that after those years when my LO was not safe, was in denial and was agitated and scared because although she didn't often admit it, she knew she was losing her memory and her mind was not working the same way and we were all exhausted and terrified because there was nothing we could really do to change things, that this time is a tremendous gift even if now she is drifting away. But now that we are I a momentarily calm moment, I have time to be sad and miss her before she is even gone.

SusanB-dil · February 17

Not inappropriate at all. I am glad you know she is safe and well cared for now.

A PWD can sense emotion and mood, so pretty sure they know they are loved.

She is blessed to have you watching out for her.

fmb · February 17

Allow yourself to be sad. What you are experiencing is normal and is called ambiguous grief. You are mourning the loss of the relationship you had with her and the loss of all the things that dementia is taking from her and her loved ones. ((hugs))

Quilting brings calm · February 17

Nothing inappropriate about your post. You’ve gotten her where she is safe and now you’ve had a moment to breathe. You’ve had time to think about what you’ve both been through and what the future holds. Posts like these are needed here.

psg712 · February 17

Now I have time to be sad

CaliforniaGirl-1

Feb 17, 2025

I hope this is not inappropriate.
My very, very elderly LO is safe now and in a steady decline. The analogy I use is that mentally and physically it is like a train slowly pulling away. But I tell myself that she is well looked after and treated with respect and affection at her MC. She still seems to know me and is not scared or unhappy or in pain and I believe and hope (and tell her) that she knows she is loved. Even in just the last few years there has been an enormous change, like a blackboard being erased.
I miss the person she was and the relationship we had every day. I think about picking up the phone to tell her something she would have liked to hear. I hope when the time comes I will remember her as she was and not the horrible years of struggle, exhaustion and crisis to get her safe.
Having been through loss even with parents who are not PWD the fading away is not uncommon in the last years.
It is possible to be very grateful to be where we are (my LO is safe and well cared for) and sad at the same time. But when I get too sad, I look around and remind myself that we are very, very fortunate and it was a long struggle to get to this point, where we have the time to think about things and feel sad rather than terrified, and exhausted and all those other things you feel, as we were for years trying to get to this point.
I have to remind myself that after those years when my LO was not safe, was in denial and was agitated and scared because although she didn't often admit it, she knew she was losing her memory and her mind was not working the same way and we were all exhausted and terrified because there was nothing we could really do to change things, that this time is a tremendous gift even if now she is drifting away. But now that we are I a momentarily calm moment, I have time to be sad and miss her before she is even gone.

Yes, yes, yes. That is where I am now with my mom. Your analogies of the train pulling away and the blackboard being erased are sad and beautiful all at once. They so accurately describe my feelings about mom. Agree with Qbc, we need to share these feelings along with all the sound practical advice on this forum. It helps us each feel less alone on the journey.

dancsfo · February 18

You expressed your feelings eloquently, and we're glad to see you are able to share it.

Mint · February 18

I really enjoyed your post. You said it very nicely.

My Mom may not be as far along as yours, but I definitely see both things occurring.

Sad, yes, but not exhausted and not terrified as you well described it. I’ve been provided the help that i needed.

Anonymousjpl123 · February 19

Very very well said. Feel a bit less lost and alone reading this. My mom is safe, but that means she is just drifting away, and I hate it. When there was all the drama of getting her safe it felt like action. Now I’m focusing on being there for her and making sure she feels love. Which is oddly so much harder. It requires acceptance of the disease. Thank you for this post.

eaglemom · February 19

Absolutely very appropriate and very well thought out. Your feelings are just that, your feelings. Dare I say it but many of us can relate to these feelings. That you can write them down and share them, I feel, is very good.

As we all know, this disease is so difficult to watch our LO's go through. No matter where your LO is nor the stage they are in, with every fiber in my body I believe they know they are loved. I have watch too often as a LO is fading away, when I've laid in a bed with them, or been beside them on a sofa holding their hand & I'm softly recalling memories of us the two of us there is a recognition there. (It might be a tear in their eye, a squeeze of the hand, a head turn and eye to eye contact where you just know that they understood.)

I hope that was understandable. Bottom line, it is sad, but we can't let the sadness drag us down.

eagle

psg712 · February 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236705#Comment_236705

Right on point, Anonymous. Acceptance of the disease is what seems to separate me from others who love my mom. They suggest ways to fix something that cannot be repaired. Of course I am vigilant about her care at the facility, but I certainly don't think the staff can fix her broken brain any more than I can. Even the close friends who visited last summer were more focused on keeping her busy with activities to stimulate brain function than just simply sitting with her to let her know she is loved. I guess it's human to want to help, and hard to accept the inevitable progression of this disease. But there is a peace in letting go of the action and just treasuring the person as long as we have her.

Now I have time to be sad

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Now I have time to be sad

I really enjoyed your post. You said it very nicely.

My Mom may not be as far along as yours, but I definitely see both things occurring.

Sad, yes, but not exhausted and not terrified as you well described it. I’ve been provided the help that i needed.

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Welcome!

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Now I have time to be sad

Welcome!

Comments

I really enjoyed your post. You said it very nicely. My Mom may not be as far along as yours, but I definitely see both things occurring. Sad, yes, but not exhausted and not terrified as you well described it. I’ve been provided the help that i needed.

Welcome!

Welcome!

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I really enjoyed your post. You said it very nicely.

My Mom may not be as far along as yours, but I definitely see both things occurring.

Sad, yes, but not exhausted and not terrified as you well described it. I’ve been provided the help that i needed.