What should we be hoping for?

Timmyd · March 30

Several years back, after months of testing and imaging, we got the EO ALZ diagnosis from the neurologist. Prior to the diagnosis, upon our first visit, I noticed all the rooms we used at neurology has many boxes of tissues. I thought that was odd, but we eventually found out why there were there. Going into this, I understood that ALZ was among the possible diagnosis we would hear so I was educated on what the diagnosis meant.

After presenting the diagnosis and getting our tears out, there was time for Q & A. The last question I asked our neurologist was "what is it we should be hoping for?" We got an empty blank stare. I repeated the question and again the neurologist declined to say anything as if completely unprepared for that question. I have been haunted by that moment for years. I need something to hope for, regardless of how unlikely it might be. I can't imaging waking up each day with no hope.

For those people who have have made it with their spouse to the later stages, how would you answer that question? When someone is first presented with the certainty of an ALZ diagnosis, what is it that person and their caregiver should hope for?

trottingalong · March 30

Very good question, but the answer may only be answered by you. After we saw the neurologist I came to this forum. Then I decided this wasn’t for me because my husband wasn’t going to get like the others. I would “fix” it somehow, because that’s what I do. Fast forward a few years and here I am, daily. The support is incredible and the knowledge helpful. This is what I have learned for myself. Take one day at a time. Find joy in at least one thing. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Laugh. I’ve learned patience, I cannot control this disease (that took awhile for me). I do get sad, worried, stressed and angry. But every single day I find something I can find beauty in, even if it’s only listening to a bird or looking at the sky. I read what others are going through here and know I’m not alone. I hope you find the answer you are looking for. Give yourself time.

Arrowhead · March 30

All you can hope for is that the transitions that they will be going through will be as easy on both of you as possible. After almost 9 years, my wife is well into stage 7, and she has avoided many of the problems that others have developed. Just remember that they will never recover and will only slip farther away from you until they are gone. There will be emotional traumas along the way, and you need to find ways to deal with them. I hope that you will.

BPS · March 30

I would like to give some positive hope but I think the best you can hope for is what Arrowhead said, and maybe for true support from some family or friend.

Quilting brings calm · March 30

The answer to that is individual to you and probably changes over time. Some hope for a longer than average stage 4 and 5. Some hope for something else to take their loved one rather than the long goodbye. Some hope to keep their loved one at home the entire time. Some hope they can find and afford a good facility because they need a plan B. Some hope family will help. Some hope family will quit making life more difficult.
What you shouldn’t do is hope for a cure because there isn’t one.

sandwichone123 · March 30

I've hoped that my spouse wouldn't have personality changes (he's such a nice guy), and that he would still know who I am. So far, deep into Stage 6, those two have remained.

RetiredTeacher · March 30

Ditto what the previous respondents have said. Acceptance took me a LONG TIME. Looking back on this journey the hope I would suggest is to make as many positive memories with your LO as soon as possible, while you still can. The reality is this disease is progressive and you only have limited time to still make some positive memories together. We will all likely live beyond our LO's time on earth and when they are gone, either physically and/or mentally, memories are all we will have left to hang on to. I don't want all my memories to be the devastatingly sad last few years. Make what memories you can now, while you still can.

White Crane · March 30

What should you hope for? Hope for moments of joy amid the pain. Hope for your love to continue even as the disease progresses. Hope for grace in the midst of difficult situations. Hope for some laughter along the way. Hope for a loving and peaceful ending when the time comes. Then, when it's over, hope for the good memories to remain. These are things I hope for.

RetiredTeacher · March 30

Well said White Crane.

Abby627 · March 30

Beautifully said, White Crane!

Biggles · March 31

Thank you White Crane so very beautifully said. Such special hope.

Biggles · March 31

midge333 · March 31

I hope for these things for my DW:

Very short stages 6 & 7.
A quick and painless death.

What should we be hoping for?

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