"Going home"

StephenB70 · April 3

Hi - I'm new. I'm caring for my mom long distance. We had her at home with in-home care, but she just doesn't understand that she has any problems at all and wasn't cooperating with the help and just couldn't be left alone safely. So we moved her against her will into assisted living. She is essentially on the "independent" wing - she's not in memory care - but we added various services like reminding her to eat, help with showering, reminders on where to put her clothes at the end of the day, multiple daily check-ins, etc.

After having moved into assisted living, she's been taking her meds every day and eating every day and showering regularly and is in clean clothes. So she's actually doing and feeling better. But as a result, she just can't understand why she needs to be there and we can no longer have any conversations with her because it's all "I need to go back home" and we can't redirect her. So we're basically ignoring all the emails, calls and limiting our interactions because it's just one-tracked obsessed.

Any thoughts?

H1235 · April 3

Welcome! Wow do I get it! We actually saw some improvements in my mom after getting her in a safe place. We talked with moms doctor and have finally found medicine that is helping. It took a long time to find the right medication and dose. We can usually have a fairly nice visit now. I never ever bring up her home in conversation, but when I brought Easter decorations for her room she knew they were from her house. She got a little snippy, but not so bad I had to leave. She has insisted on me explaining why she has to be there. This is not a trap you want to fall into. There is no reasoning with a person with dementia (sadly I learned this the hard way). She accepted her diagnosis in the beginning, but now claims the doctor made a mistake. When she starts in on going home I usually tell her we can change the subject or I can leave. For a long time our visits were very short. She still doesn’t understand why she needs to be there and feels I am mistreating her by making her live there. But with the medication she is not as anxious and angry about it. It breaks my heart that she thinks I would mistreat her. Good luck.

SusanB-dil · April 3

Hi StephenB - yes, totally agree with H1235. Your mom has anosognosia. This is not denial, but rather, the firm belief that nothing is wrong. The way they see their world is their reality (and everybody else is just trying to aggravate them).

You can also try fiblets. Fiblets are friends. If mom insists on the fixation of going home, you can tell her 'there is a watermain break on your street', or 'the power is out' and they are working on it. Repeat as necessary. Best to try to change the subject, but when a LO is fixated on one thing, sometimes that is difficult.

"Going home"

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