Trying to do the right thing.

If your mom is safe, you visit when you are able, and you are supportive of your sister while she "gets the brunt", you have NOT abandoned your mom. You live a greater distance away, and you have young kids. They are your priority.

Tough decision whether or not to bring the kids to see your mom. For whose benefit are you bringing them? Would your mom enjoy the visit or be irritated with the normal noise and activity of young children? Would she be able to set aside her grievances about being in a facility to focus on a visit with the grandkids? Likewise, how will the visit affect the kids? Depending on their ages, they may not be able to understand why she speaks and acts as she does.

When she speaks angrily to you, keep telling yourself that is is the disease making her do it. You can't reason with her. You can, however, try to distract her with things she enjoys. You can also save your sanity by limiting your visit time if her anger is escalating. It's ok to take care of your own heart too. This is a long journey, and both you and your sister will need healthy boundaries to make it through.

Stay strong. You are not alone!

I have so much empathy for you right now. You have not abandoned your mom. Your sister is there regularly (which is important, so the staff see family is involved). So that part is not on you. In fact, supporting your sister may be just as important as how often you see your mom. Also, when you do go, remember that no matter where she lives she will still have dementia. It sucks, but it’s true.

Though I am my mom’s primary caregiver and other family rarely if ever visits, we always had a painful relationship. This phase of caregiving - thankfully she is in a great MC - has been especially hard. For a while it was easier but as she has progressed, I find myself not wanting to visit. She’s bitter and resentful toward me and not kind. I have found that keeping good boundaries - I’ll give myself a C- - is key. I do visit quite a bit - she’s now about 40 minutes away - but it’s hard.

My sibs live in other states and never visit but are super supportive of me emotionally and frankly it means the world. It has made this possible. I couldn’t have done it without them. This is how we have divided the labor.

It’s sometimes ugly. Right now, I’m about to visit my mom and dreading it. So I’ll get myself into a better frame of mind and go. That’s how this is. We keep walking. You are not alone and your feelings are totally normal. Glad you found this place.