Looking for advice

arosenberger · April 11

Hi Everyone, this is my first post. My mother, age 75, has dementia. She and my dad live in their own home. My mom hasn't been feeling well for the last few weeks which led to a hospital trip this week for tests. All were negative except for a UTI which is her second one in the last few weeks. During this time I found out that she puts on multiple pair of underwear and drapes her clothing all over the bedroom and never throws anything in the hamper. My dad didn't tell us about this previously. I went to their house today and washed everything. I also found out that she doesn't want to shower or wash her hair anymore either. My sister and I really wish they would move but my dad is reluctant. He's resistant to bringing in some in home caregivers to assist her and give him time to do his own things. Does anyone have any advice?

terei · April 12

Try to take some time to read some of the posts on this forum. All of the things you are talking about are very very common, including behavior deteriorating due to UTIs. You might want to try daily D Mannose to prevent frequent UTIs. Sometimes spouses are in denial about the state of their LO. Try to keep working with him to get him some help to take some of the burden of caregiving off his shoulders.

harshedbuzz · April 12

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

It might be time to have a CTJ with dad about getting help in to help with your mom. UTIs can have dire consequences for older women. She could develop antibiotic resistance or become septic.

There could be some factors related to the dementia that are increasing her risk but could be mitigated with better hygiene. If she's doubling up panties, she's likely developed some incontinence which would be akin to sitting around in a wet bathing suit 24/7. An incontinence product— either pad or pull-on briefs could help here but they'd need regular changing.

It also means she's likely slipped in her toileting skills and may be wiping incorrectly or not effectively and introducing E. coli into her urethra. Watch for handwashing as well as this could impact your dad's health as well. The slipping toileting skills could be exacerbated by not changing and not showering. She may need hands on supervision in the bathroom going forward.

PWD often become resistant to showering. Sometimes it's about being cold, thinking they've already showered, sensory issues, feeling unsteady standing and resistant to help from a man she might not recognize as her husband in the moment. Teepa Snow has a lot of videos on showering for caregivers on her YouTube channel. If you're a daughter, perhaps she'd cooperate for you. That said, a friend of mine who cared for her mom at home found her mom more readily accepted a shower from her HHA than her daughter. If she's up for a salon visit, that's a way to get a shampoo and nails trimmed. No rinse or dry shampoo can be used as well. Warm wipes or a bed bath can be sufficient if you can't get a shower done.

Also, back-to-back UTIs could indicate that the infection wasn't cleared. You'd want to make sure the sample was cultured and that the antibiotic prescribed was appropriate. You also want to make sure she's actually taking the medication as prescribed for the entire course of treatment. And you'd want to follow up to make sure the infection is gone, or it'll come roaring back. Her PCP can order the test and have the lab give you a collection kit with a nun's cap so you can do the collection at home if that's easier.

Good luck, this part is difficult.

Anonymousjpl123 · April 12

This is the hardest part. When the person is still sort of functioning, has “scaffolding” (your dad taking care of your mom), but changes are becoming more pronounced. When my dad passed we had no idea how far along my mom’s dementia was because he took care of things. But she was still able to make her opinions known and did not want care. The good thing is we got to her in time: I started plans and when it was time gave an ultimatum, got POA, and eventually gave her options - move somewhere with more care, or get some help in. The bathing is absolutely difficult. It was one of the first signs something was wrong with my mom.

I agree with harshedbuzz: start the conversation now. There’s a lot of good resources here. I hope they help.

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