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cnlamar · April 14

hey guys as you can see I’m new here. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a couple of years ago but has had it a while before that. My step mom just placed him on a memory care facility and it was honestly the hardest thing I’ve had to go through and am still trying to accept. I go up there everyday to help him but recently skipped two day because I just needed a break from being up there. It’s so sad and depressing to me to me. I have felt completely sad and guilty that I’ve skipped to days. My step mom doesn’t go very often which makes me sad too. My question is, should I cut back on my visits to allow my dad to get settled or should I continue to see him everyday? I’m just so overwhelmed with sadness having to go through this and I desperately need some support.

SusanB-dil · April 14

Hi cnlamar - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Usually, skipping even two weeks or so is encouraged to allow your LO to settle in. You can check with the facility to see how he is doing, though. When my mom first went to MC, she didn't really know if we were there every day or skipped a few days, anyway. A lot of times, a LO will settle right in and actually be more content with the standard routine. Sometimes they will ask when they are going home… If that occurs, do tell him 'doc says you need to be here just a while longer', or 'the electric or water is down at the house and needs to be fixed'… whatever works, and repeat as necessary.

Yes, it is hard. Do know that you and your mom have not placed him there, but 'this horrid disease' did. He is safe and cared for 24/7. You and mom will always be his advocates and watch out for him, and he will know he is loved, but it takes the bulk of the burden off of you and mom.

TrumpetSwan · April 14

Hello and welcome. I hope you find comfort in this community and in knowing that you are not alone in the journey and with how you are feeling.

For now, I would say visit as often as you are comfortable with and in a frequency where your presence is calming or otherwise welcomed by your dad. If you are good and he is good - then fine. There is no right or wrong. It is just what feels OK to you.

I think it is important to recognize when you find it upsetting, then adjust and reduce the frequency. This is what you did, and I would support that decision. It is OK. The reason is that this is really emotional and draining. Sometimes we visit and can always see something that can be done to make them a bit happier such as folding clothes, getting toiletries, or adjusting furniture to make things more accessible. There is so much that we cannot fix and that brings another heartbreak.

For me, it is not just the visit that impacts me, but the lingering thoughts afterward. It is also the images that remain in my mind. Then, it is not only limited to my parent, but seeing how the other residents struggle also leaves some emotional impact. It is the whole package of the ALF / MC scene.

I say, pace yourself. This can be a long journey, and you need to find a routine that is sustainable for you. Take time out. Rest. Breathe. Take care of your wellbeing and your life.

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