How do you talk to your DH about worsening symptoms you are seeing?

Sarndra · April 14

My DH (66) was diagnosed with the beginning stages of Alzheimers 18 or so months ago.

A bit of back story - he is proud, stubborn and still trying to come to terms with what is happening to him. His mother has Alzheimers and my father had Alzheimers as well before passing away. He knows what is coming and there are days where he is frustrated and hates himself for putting me through this. I have told him we are in this together and I am here to guide, support and love him no matter what.

I am starting to see worsening symptoms and don't know how to talk to him about this. Over the past few weeks, I have seen more confusion and frustration on his part, questions/stories repeated more often than before, and having to slowly repeat myself often so he can comprehend what I am saying. He is also struggling with using the remote control, gets frustrated easily when trying to use apps in his phone, and seems overwhelmed at times. Also, when he is talking to other people, sometimes he struggles to comprehend the conversation and will repeat himself. He still cooks (he is a chef) and handles typical day to day things such as cooking, showering, getting ready, doing simple tasks around the house.

I have a demanding full-time job but work from home so am here to help him with whatever he needs, but this means I am also overwhelmed with it all and some days are so hard.

Any advice you can give me on how to talk to him would be greatly appreciated.

Carl46 · April 14

My wife, like your husband, is aware of her limitations. When she tells me she is worthless, I tell her she is invaluable to me. When she tells me she is afraid she is losing her mind and afraid she is going to die, I tell her I am with her and will help her no matter what.

I am now using an adult day care 5 afternoons a week so I can have some time in which I am not a caretaker. A good friend used it for all day care so she could work from home without interruption. it is worth it.

Stan2 · April 14

My wife,like your husband is aware of what is happening to her. She is terrified , but she handles the situation with strength , grace and humor . For my part , I just do my very best to assure her that am here with her and will remain so. I don't point out any mistakes or loss of memories and try to help her through any situations that require answers she can't cope with. As the disease progresses and she loses skills I quietly take over those activities. So far we are doing well. If i can make sure she eats well, gets good rest, keeps to a standard routine and remains mostly stress free she does much better.

hiya · April 14

If your DH is not noticing, I wouldn’t point anything out unless it’s a safety issue. They can’t change or improve so it may only cause stress and then get upset. I think @Stan2 has a great approach.

Chris20cm · April 14

I think you have to see how he responds. If he is concerned, then you can talk about how to go forward, neurological brain exercises, Dr. suggestions, activities at local senior centers, etc. But if he's defensive, conversation probably won't be productive. My DW is very defensive, in denial at least outwardly. It's a pride thing I believe.

harshedbuzz · April 14

You don't.

There's no point. He can't change, so you need to. If you mention it and he knows, he might feel badly that his deficits are becoming more obvious which can lead to depression. if he's started to develop anosognosia around how profound his losses are, you pointing them out will likely anger him which could lead to agitation or even aggression.

One of the early losses associated with dementia is typically empathy. If you think sharing how you feel, you may be surprised that he doesn't care as he might have in the past.

HB

charley0419 · April 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72797/how-do-you-talk-to-your-dh-about-worsening-symptoms-you-are-seeing

I only wish I could talk to my wife about it but she diagnosed 3 yrs ago mild dementia symptoms sound exactly as your husband , no cooking for yrs, but I can’t talk to her about as has anosognosia

trottingalong · April 15

My husband knows he gets confused and forgetful, just not to the extent. I never discuss it with him unless he asks me if I notice anything. I always say the same thing. “I notice sometimes your short term memory sucks, but then again, sometimes mine does too.” He will tell me he knows it is bad so I don’t want to dismiss him, but I also don’t want him to get upset/worry. I think he’s often looking for acknowledgment that something is kind of wrong, but assurance that it’s nothing to stress about, if that makes sense.

SDianeL · April 15

I would not discuss his behaviors with him. It will do no good. He won’t remember, he can’t change and it will only cause more anxiety. If he asks just say something vague or even fib. He wants to know if you’ll be there. Just tell him that you will.

How do you talk to your DH about worsening symptoms you are seeing?

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