Personal Care Tips

LGCRZ · April 7

Hi all - my mother is in the later stages of dementia and has all but stopped her personal hygiene. I obviously try to get her into the shower. She resists say she has already showered earlier, or that she will shower later that evening, or a lot of other excuses. When in the shower, I am not sure she is doing a very good job of bathing etc. I can't really oversee all of this because she is still aware that I am her daughter and she is doing something most of us are fairly private about. Teeth brushing is another challenge. I get her tooth brush ready, prompt her, remind her as I leave for the evening. Adult incontinence underwear are also something she doesnt recognize as needing to change. I try to persuade her… again.. lots of excuses, and saying "no, I dont need to". Obviously aguing gets me nowhere. Does anyone have any useful tips and tricks they have used with their aging parent? Just looking for any advice that may have worked for you. TIA.

SusanB-dil · April 7

Hi LGCRZ - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

All of that is not unusual. We have the same issues with MIL. See if her insurance will allow a couple of hours a week for someone, who is qualified, to come in to help you. As bonus, you might be able to get some respite during that time.

Correct - no arguing. It will only get both of you more frustrated.

Rule #1: Don't argue with a PWD. Rule #1: Must take care of yourself. Rule #2: See rule #1, both of them!

sandwichone123 · April 8

There are several threads on here about showering—some folks give up on it and do sponge baths as tolerated, while others try to create a warm and inviting spa environment. Making the room very warm is a key, as is a matter-of-fact approach that says, "it's time" rather than, "do you want to." In any case, success is not assured.

Some people have had success with "mirroring" toothbrushing—getting in front of her with both toothbrushes prepared and brushing your own. She is unlikely to brush without someone present in the moment.

If she is using incontinence briefs but is not independent with them, it's not a good idea for her to be left alone. Just sitting for a couple of hour with a wet brief is enough to start skin breakdown. It may be time to seek placement.

1Neiceeber1// · April 8

So sorry you're going through this. My mom is also in the later stages. We are also going through the same stage of not knowing when to shower, brushing teeth, etc.

The way I get her in the shower is to tell her I have to wash her clothes that she is wearing. I tell her she has worn them for a couole days. She does fight it a little bit but I just say you do need to shower and wash your hair.

Maybe that may work

CaliforniaGirl-1 · April 8

It is really not uncommon. They will say, "I already showered.", "Don't you think I know if I need to shower?" and then when you get them in, they won't shower. Some people have had some success with trying to make it a really pleasurable experience by using music, scent and warming up the room and warming up the towels. Others have used a shower chair and a fluffy sponge,

I have to say none of the above worked for us. My LO is in late stages and very elderly and it is still a struggle with the caregivers doing their best.

What has worked for us (and my LO is very elderly so this might not work for you) is adjusting our expectations about how often showers need to happen. We also decoupled the hair washing and my LO gets their hair done every week if possible and gets it washed there. This used to be treat and I think my LO still enjoys the pampering experience.

Not liking the sound or the feeling of the falling water is just very common in the later stages and in the earlier stages, wanting to exert some control over something so personal at a time when they feel that they are losing control is also very common.

jiffy · April 9

My LO is basically bedridden but I get her out of bed with a hoyer, strap her securely onto a mobile shower chair and roll the chair to the tub where it slides into the tub on an aluminum track. Then I manage get her pretty well scrubbed up and hosed down with a portable shower head. I have a heater on in the bathroom and bedroom. There's a lot of complaining but I'm used to it. I had to stop using home aids because my LO was so combative that they refused to return. They were unable to even wash her in bed. Giving her the medication reduce agitation before the shower didn't work out either so I'll do it myself for as long as we can manage.

After the shower she has breakfast in bed and forgets that the shower even happened.

Before my LO became bedridden I think she only showered on Sundays before going to church. So now I remind her that we are getting cleaned up because we are going to have visitors and I do schedule visitors to come and talk with her. We do church on Zoom now. Transporting her to church would be way too much work and she wouldn't be able to hear or understand anyone anyway.

LGCRZ · April 13

Thank you for sharing. That sounds like even more than I am dealing with, so I have a lot of respect for you handling this.

Antiphon80 · April 15

I am new here. My sister and I take care of Mom, who is 90. Mom was diagnosed in December with the type of dementia that has water on the brain. My sister works during the day. I live across the street and spend afternoons at her house. I bring my miniature poodle. He is very active, and she interacts with him. Mom doesn’t like to shower. On days like today, she picks fights. Our relationship has always been strained. I’m having to return to therapy to deal with the stress and triggers. Thanks for listening.

Kristina16 · April 16

I have somewhat the same issue with my mom and it is so sad and frustrating. I have noticed when I stand with her to brush her teeth she will do it and when she says she already did it I say I know but that was in the morning. As for showering I have to help her and tell her she is going out and needs to have some clean hair. Hope this helps and good luck.

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