Does Memory Care actually help

tucson anne · April 22

I obviously have been obsessing about memory care for months. My husband is probably late stage 5, can't do any ADL's without help, very bad arthritis so walking is difficult. We go to twice weekly exercise classes and various musical events and will occasionally take a short walk in a nearby canyon. He will walk short walks with a cane, so we do that every day. Soon it will be too hot to walk outside because it's Tucson…

Here's my question: I have visited almost all the memory care facilities in Tucson that have activity calendars, because the main reason I would be placing him is that he is so bored. And no, it's not just awake napping—he stares at me until I say I have nothing for us to do right now, then when I suggest a simple book or music video, he's agreeable. But his attention on the videos is now shortening ( will turn them off sometimes after 45 minutes) then, there is nothing for him to do. Will placing him in memory care be actually beneficial?

I ask this because of course they all tell you that having other people around and having the scheduled routine and activities stimulates them, is good for them. And perhaps it is. But the trade off is strange, overworked caregivers, a totally new place to be disoriented in, and sadness at being taken from his home.

Unlike my several friends here, I do not need to place him for behavioral reasons—he is calm and compliant; no delusions, no hallucinations, no anger, no wandering. Mostly sleeps through the night. Lots of toilet issues and doesn't like showering, but he does it. And yes, it would help me, no doubt, once I got over the grief of placing him. But for those of you who have done this, do you actually think memory care has helped your person and if so, in what way? I have considered just hanging in there until he is far enough on this journey to place him in the many, some good, small homes with better caregiver ratios but nothing much going on. But who knows how long that will be!

All thoughts greatfully received.

Aarron · April 22

I wouldn’t place him in a small home. Did that and it was a big mistake. Absolutely no activity and he was bored stiff. Took him out and have placed him in memory care with 45 beds. Lots of activities but most of them can’t do anything. They are usually sleeping in their wheelchair or just staring at each other. My husband is only 67 and cannot participate much if at all as he is in stage seven. Is there any happy medium with this horrific disease???? I don’t think so. It all sucks

jfkoc · April 22

I would not have placed my husband in a facility just to have activity. Have you considered bringing in some outside help to provide some activity? Have you looked into day care ? Have you tried an activity that you do together?

That said, a good facility is very expensive. Something to factor in for most of us. You could always give one a try.

Quilting brings calm · April 22

does it help? Well nothing makes the person better - the real question is does it keep them safe.

The reasons many people place someone into AL or MC are often:

24/7/365 supervision

A nurse on staff

Meals

Laundry

Activities and transport - for those still able to participate

ADL help - toileting, Showering, dressing etc

Less ability to wander off

The fact that the caregiver isn’t able to physically, mentally, emotionally able to do the 24/7 caregiving - or they have reasons they can’t be there 24/7

The fact that the caregiver has their own family to consider - or their own needs to consider

only you know if you fall into any of those categories. What does your family say - because often the family can recognize the need for AL/MC before the caregiver does

White Crane · April 22

jfkoc and qbc have both given you good answers and things to consider. In my case, DH went straight from the hospital (he had pneumonia and could not stand on his own) to MC. It was getting harder and harder for me to take care of him at home and was hurting my health. Is he better off in MC? Well, he is safe and being well taken care of. There aren't too many activities and I wish there were more. He enjoys watching his television and sometimes sings a duet with another man who loves to sing. All in all, I am happy with his care. Having said that, I didn't realize how much taking care of him was affecting me until I wasn't doin it anymore. My weight had dropped, I have a partial tear in my right rotator cuff from helping him up after his frequent falls, my left hip used to hurt every day from trying to lift him and help him, I was exhausted. Our kids and other family members were worried about me. So maybe you could ask yourself how you're doing and how taking care of him is affecting you. You are the only one who can answer that question. I wish you well. Sending hugs.

l7pla1w2 · April 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241435#Comment_241435

The original post hit be right where I live. I moved my DW into MC a week ago. This post enumerated the many reasons I felt I needed to do that.

But the fact is, DW is unhappy. Then again, she was unhappy at home too. She was bored. She had been a college professor (retired 13 years), and she would wonder whether faculty or students would be coming to the house. (They never did when she was working.) She felt useful when she was working and had a purpose. Now she doesn't.

A dementia pro that I've been using visited DW today and says she's very sad, and that's hard for me to hear. The thought that goes through my mind is, "It's her or me." I had pretty much reached the limit of what I could handle at home 24x7.

tucson anne · April 22

Many thoughful comments, though I do have to comment to jfkoc—I have already tried everything and taken him everywhere appropriate (program at the art museum, many concerts, alzheimer's gym.) There are none left to try and no adult day care in Tucson. The comment about the retired professor being bored and unhappy totally hits home. Keep me posted about how she adjusts!

Katielu · April 22

I put my husband in Memory Care 7 months ago. It was harder for me than for him. He has activities now. He misses me and asked for me often.

I am 61 and I still work, I could not keep him safe and keep working and keep him at home.

His facility is very expensive but they have a wonderful staff. I have communicated with them well, I have high expectations and they are met, for the most part.

it helped me, in that I sleep and I’m healthier. I miss him. It hurts my heart. No one but you knows what is the right thing to do.

BPS · April 23

My wife is in a small MC and they have less activities then some of the larger ones I looked at, but she does not take part in most of them even with encouragement. She was stage 6 when she went in and now seams to be moving into early stage 7. I can't honestly say that it really helped her. She had a stroke so she went straight from the hospital to MC. They do good at taking care of her but there are still some things I think I could do better at home, Like she has diabetes and the prescription for her medication is once before breakfast and once before dinner with food, but she doesn't always eat breakfast so at home I could hold that medication until lunch when she would eat but at the MC they have to follow the doctors orders exactly regardless of the changing situation. I do not regret moving her to memory care. She is always happy to see me instead of being mad at me a lot of the time, and I would not have been able to do anything or go anywhere even to the store if she was home even though she sleeps a lot I would have to be here. It has been and continues to be a hard adjustment.

Carl46 · 12:26AM

Anne, if your husband can do no ADLs without help, he is already in memory care. The care is provided by you. The only question is whether you want to continue to be the sole care provider.

A friend told me that the right time to quit a job is the first time you think about it. If you have been obsessing about memory care for months, it just might be time.

Dio · 4:43AM

My only 2 cents is that it helps me, for I'm now able to sleep without fearing for my safety. Safety was the primary reason among a long list to place DH. The cost is eating away our retirement savings, but it's well worth it.

SDianeL · 5:26AM

memory care will help if your Husband is still able to do activities. The memory care where my husband went wouldn’t allow canes. He couldn’t learn to use a walker, physical therapy or occupational therapy didn’t help. Speech therapy for aphasia didn’t help. So he became wheelchair bound. As they progress they will no longer be able to participate in activities so I wouldn’t base my decision solely on activities being available. There is no way to tell how he will progress. Soon he could become bedridden, incontinent and need 24/7 care. Can you do that physically and mentally? As others have said only you can make that decision. Many caregivers develop heath issues due to the mental and physical stress. 💜

Russinator · 12:45PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241435#Comment_241435

This reply hits home with me.

midge333 · 1:30PM

Not to be a "negative nellie" but nothing helps dementia. If you can't form new memories, you can't learn to do anything new. It is a degenerative disease.

Old Iowan · 2:25PM

2 main reasons I placed my DW in MC in January - Long>short…. Her safety and my inability to care for her and keep her safe - I wish you and your's all the best that's possible.

Does Memory Care actually help

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