Suggestions for remaining patient with a parent?

Schilder64 · April 21

Hello, I'm new here so here's a little introduction before my question: my 87-year-old mother has dementia after several years of living with MCI. My sister lives close by and handles my parents' finances and a lot of other tasks that are too much for them. I live on the opposite coast and do what I can from here, and I try to get back at least once or twice a year (last year because of an illness she was dealing with, I was going back for one week out of every month). Both of my parents are still living in their house, and they have home health aids come two days per week. Lately my mother has been calling me every day asking when I'm going to come and visit, and I am planning a trip soon, but I'm wondering how other folks here cope with the repetition. It takes a lot of energy to remain patient at times, and I know she can't help it, but sometimes you just don't want to answer the same question four times in a row, day after day. I know she can't help it, and she just can't remember, but it gets frustrating. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated!

SDianeL · April 22

welcome. I would talk to your sister and have her make the phone disappear if it’s a cell phone. If not I would let the calls go to voice mail and only call her back once. Answer her about when you’re coming to visit and then try to change the subject. Fib if you must. Cut the call short. Gotta go, talk later. If she calls back let the call go to voice mail. Her reasoner is broken so no need to try to reason with her. You take control. She can’t. I learned patience with my DH by realizing it was the disease not him talking. You’re human. Don’t feel guilty about being impatient. It takes practice. Learn all you can about the disease. The book “The 36 Hour Day” is helpful. Also search for Tam Cummings videos on YouTube. Come here often for info and support.hugs 💜

SiberianIris · April 22

Welcome to ALZConnected! There will come a time when a person with dementia needs to have their phone disappeared, because it becomes an instrument of torture for them and everyone else. Until that time, let most of the calls go to voicemail and call back on a schedule that works for you. Depending on where your mother is in her dementia journey, she may not remember that she already called you X times. The same goes for visits. You'll no longer get "credit" for them. I can actually be visiting my mom, and she'll ask when I am coming back. (Actually she's always done that, but now she sometimes forgets even if I was there yesterday.)

The repetitive questions ARE a real drag. One way I cope with them is telling myself to see the good side in it, and be thankful I already know the answer to the repetitive questions, so my brain can take a break. So much of dealing with dementia requires you to constantly be on your toes and improvise based on the situation. When my mother starts in with her delusions, and I have to go into "her world", I feel like I'm playing a part in an improv skit.

There is a great podcast called Surviving Alzheimers by Ken Cardita. He offers a free guide for dealing with repeated questions:

https://survalz.com/

Schilder64 · April 22

Thank you both for your replies - I appreciate you taking the time! I will look for Tam Cummings and Ken Cardita. I hadn't heard of either of them. Making the phone disappear is complicated: there's a land line and they each have a cell, and her cell is one of my father's coping mechanisms. When she doesn't believe what he's saying about what's on the calendar, he says "go check your phone." It saves him from getting into an argument with her. My Dad tries to monitor all of the calls because she's already given out sensitive information to strangers who call, so if he hears her on the phone, he picks up the extension asap. Getting rid of the landline isn't really an option because he's not as savvy with his cell phone. My brother-in-law set up the landline so that if a caller is someone they know, it will make two quick rings, then a pause, then two more quick rings. If it's spam or an unknown caller, it rings normally, but she still jumps on it as soon as it rings no matter what the ring pattern and despite him saying "Spam!"

And, Iris, yes, we're already to the point where I don't get "credit." When she calls, she'll (always) say "I just had to hear your voice - it's been so long" even if it was yesterday or even sometimes earlier in the same day. She'll tell my sister that she hasn't spoken to me in months. Same with visiting in person: right after a visit she'll say "it's just been so long since I've seen you." It's heartbreaking because it comes from a place of such deep love. And there's the ambiguous loss: she's still my mother, but at the same time she's not, and there's the grief of having her slowly disappear. I no longer share news about family members on her side of the family because there's no point, and that feels sad. Thank you both for your suggestions and support!

nopost · April 25

If it is frustrating for you across the country , imagine what it is like for your Dad 24/7 with just 2 days a week care giver plus sister drop ins. Sadly,many primary caregivers pass before their LO with dementia.

Have you explored placing one or both of them where she would have MC and him IL OR AL to help him out and get her more trained support?

If he goes first you'd still be placing her . Something to consider.

Schilder64 · 12:54AM

Thanks, nopost. Yes, my sister and I have found a really good facility where she can go when the time comes or if he dies first. We were both very impressed with it and would feel comfortable with her living there. However, neither of them wants to leave their home which he built for her 50-some years ago, and he's still managing ok, but he admits there may come a time when they both have to go, and he's realistic about that. For now we all think that moving her out of their home would only make her more disoriented than she already is, and that would be very upsetting for her. And, if they both move in there, they would be separated: she would go to MC and he would be in AL, which would also be upsetting for her. In July they will celebrate their 66th wedding anniversary! Thanks for the reply - it's good to feel connected.

Suggestions for remaining patient with a parent?

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