He doesn't give up

Jarmac · April 27

I have previously posted about difficulties dealing with my ex-boyfriend. To summarize, he was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment 4 years ago. He is retested every year with the same result. He manages all his daily living activities with no problems. He also bowls, golfs, dances, navigates the computer and all his remotes. I asked him to move out of my house and back to his condo last July. He is living alone. I broke up with him in December. The problem is that he doesn't remember. He cannot understand why he no longer lives with me. He will text and call 25 times or more per day, saying the same things over and over. He is 81 and I am 77. I thought his family would step up when I asked him to move. That has not happened. He is not taking his medicine, he's losing weight. His obsession with me is causing mutual friends to exclude him. I have blocked his phone calls, but continue to read his texts. I only respond to his texts when he asks a specific question. I don't know how to interact with him. On the one hand, he is someone I love and he needs help. On the other hand, his constant obsession is causing me health problems. Do I just try to be his friend or do I walk away entirely? If I walk away, I'm also leaving many friends. Our lives involved dancing 2x per week with friends. I will be seeing him frequently. In situations where we run into each other, he will not leave me alone. He refuses help with medicine, meals, groceries, cleaning. He will not take an anti-depressant or anxiety meds. I realize this might sound like typical breakup drama…but it hard when one of you doesn't understand. He does not believe he has dementia or memory problems. Thank you in advance for listening.

Russinator · April 27

(((HUGS)))

tboard · April 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72888/he-doesnt-give-up

Oh my! I am pretty sure that if I wasn't married to my DH who has fixed dementia and sometimes poops on the floor I would get as far away as I could. I think I would just start over and make new friends.

dayn2nite2 · April 27

You will need to walk away entirely. No dancing with the same group, no more "running into" him at any event or location. Yes, you will need to leave these mutual friends. You will need to change your phone number. You may have to move. You are 77 years old, your time on this earth is limited and harsh decisions need to be made or you will end up sucked back in as his caretaker.

terei · April 27

You know what you have to do….no contact. Quit reading his texts + do not go where he will be.

Buggytoo · April 27

You may need to engage an attorney and get a court order for no contact. It is sad but true. The advancement of his disease makes it impossible to set boundaries.

SDianeL · April 28

agree you should stop reading his texts and block them. Take a break from dancing and mutual friends where he will be present. Plan get togethers with them separately to stay in touch. At some point he will need care in a facility and will no longer be in the group and you can rejoin them at that point.

Quilting brings calm · April 28

You’ve said yourself- he doesn’t understand that you’ve left him. Being on the same place as him and his friends just continues his version of reality that you are together. You have to go no contact. Act as if there is a restraining order and you can’t be within 200 feet of him.

I know you said he’s managing his life well… but that’s not actually true. If it were, he wouldn’t be calling you 25 tines a day, you wouldn’t have felt the need to leave him, and you wouldn’t feel a need for his family to step up. call his family and tell them that you are not going to put yourself in his path( no dancing with friends, no visits to the same event etc). Tell them if he doesn’t quit calling and texting you, you will contact the authorities.

harshedbuzz · April 28

@Jarmac

This sounds difficult. He's lost the empathy, executive function and reasoning skills to understand where you are coming from. You have become that car he wants to drive or the phone he uses to harass others. The strategy that works in these situations is to remove the trigger. You need to disappear you. So long as has some form of access to you, you'll remain his scaffolding caregiver.

His behavior meets the criteria for stalking. The way I see it, you have 3 options.

The easiest would be to block all texts or get a new phone number.

Another option would be to contact APS and report his decline in the context of living alone and stalking you to trigger a well check which would put him on their radar at the very least. In a best case scenario, his kids would be contacted and step up for him. If they won't and he's deemed incompetent, the state will step in.

Another option would be to go the legal route and report his stalking behavior and obtain a restraining order. This will likely require you to avoid situations where he is expected to be but would have some teeth.

HB

l7pla1w2 · April 28

Would a PWD understand and respect an restraining order?

Quilting brings calm · April 28

-Would a PWD understand and respect an restraining order?-

unlikely … but getting one ( or reporting his violating it ) would be the catalyst to get him in front of a court or APL or a third party guardianship process … or get his family to step up to the plate. It’s going to take that to get her free of him.

He doesn't give up

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