Should we move our loved one

Bob8915 · May 14

My ex has no diagnosis but has many symptoms of memory decline. She wants to move several states over to live close to hers and my son. But she can only afford an apartment 30 minutes away from my son. Does anyone know of similar situations and how they turned out? Thanks

H1235 · May 15

A move to unfamiliar surroundings may cause a worsening of symptoms. Learning new things can be difficult for a person with dementia. The stress of a move can also cause problems. On the other hand being closer to family may be a good idea. If the move happens you may find she needs more help with the process than you expected. Dementia is about much more than memory. Executive functioning, planning, organizing and prioritizing are common areas effected by dementia. Are legal matters in order? Has a DPOA been appointed? These would be a good idea regardless of a diagnosis. The sooner the better. Many with dementia don’t see their own symptoms and feel there is nothing wrong. This just gets worse. Is she willing to see a doctor? There are some treatable things that should be ruled out.

harshedbuzz · May 15

@Bob8915

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

This is a difficult situation. Aside from the concerns expressed by the previous poster—

Is this something your son wants or is this strictly her idea? It's not uncommon for adult children and their parents to be on different pages when defining "help". She may be thinking of him in a caregiver role while he's thinking he'll swing by every couple of weeks to lift heavy things for her. It's best to sort that out.

Is he familiar with the behaviors commonly associated with dementia like apathy, lack of empathy and social filter, wandering, paranoia, hallucinations, delusions? Does he understand that the disease is progressive and that she will lose her IADLs (managing the sort of tasks one learns as a teen/younger adult) and then ADLs (self-feeding, hygiene and toileting) requiring 24/7 care?

Is he in a phase of his life where he can realistically oversee her care and manage his existing commitments? If he's younger, he should be focused on building his own career and relationships. If he's raising kids, he should be focused on that. Does he have a job that affords him a great deal of flexibility?

Since it sounds like mom's assets are limited, she'll like need institutional Medicaid funding at some point to cover costs of aides in the home or a facility if she doesn't already have a robust LTC policy. Not all states allow Medicaid funds to pay for AL; if he lives in one, she'd need to qualify for skilled nursing to get placed which could leave a gap of her needed supervision-level care without funding for it.

I also agree that the legal piece including a DPOA and Medicaid planning with state comparisons is a must-do.

She should be seen by a doctor. Her PCP can do a quick screening for cognition and order imaging and bloodwork to rule out other, potentially treatable, conditions.

HB

eaglemom · May 16

You've been given very sound advice here. I appreciate that it sounds good to be near her son, but what exactly is she needing help with? If she's needing someone with her during the day, does his schedule permit that? Does she need help with meal prep? Is that something he's willing to do?

My point being made is that everyone needs to be on the same page. A move to a different city, different apartment, different surrounding's is a lot for her to get used to. Then there is the new medical team she'll need. Is her son going to take her to her appointments? She'll need someone with her to help her "remember" what was said.

When was the last time her son spent any time with her? Are they close? Talk on the phone often? This might be more one sided on her account. It sounds ideal for her, but it has to work for both of them.

Do let us know how this works out.

Should we move our loved one

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