Friend

itcanbedoneamigo · May 15

I met him after he was diagnosed. It took me a while to realize how much he needed. He has moved in with me and I have a 4 year old daughter. At first I thought we would like eachother. Now that he's been in my home for two years, my feelings have changed. He needed my help and he helped me a lot. But I have changed our relationship from a couple to friends. I feel so guilty and I learned my lesson about boyfriends, yet the poor man is having trouble with the change. Please be nice and don't judge me, I need help right now helping him. This is the worse thing I have ever seen anyone go through. Dementia is so baffling to watch. I need help navigating how to help someone with Dementia go through a major change in life.

Russinator · May 15

My heart goes out to you (HUGS))

midge333 · May 15

I would strongly consider asking him to move out. Are you in contact with his family?

jfkoc · May 15

The first question that comes to my mind is how much are you willing to do. Are you willing to be the agent named in a Durable Power of Attorney. That is the document he needs to get in place ASAP.

The road is difficult and we are here to help you…not judge!

Biggles · May 15

What a heartfelt and sad situation to find yourself in. Dementia can hide itself for a long time, which I suppose means that people can live fairly normally with it for a long time too. We all have stories of Doctors, family and friends who didn’t think anything was wrong. It’s an awful disease to deal with; a silent socially isolating unseeing one. My thoughts would be to contact every dementia associated organisation, speak to Doctors but I would also work out and set some goals for yourself. If he is financially independent you could perhaps try assisted living. At this stage you really don’t need 15 or 20 years of 24/7 caring you have a young family to think of.

weareallunique · May 15

"I need help right now helping him." As others have mentioned he needs a care, legal, financial and medical network set up around him to keep him managed for safety for the next stages of his progressive fatal disease.

Do you want to take it on for the next 2, 5 , 10, 15 who knows years? Double incontinence is a real possibility at some point.

Meanwhile your 4 year old daughter is going to have to deal with sharing her Mom and dealing with his behaviors. The end of his journey could probably be around the same time she is out of the house. Where did your time with her go?

You have to think on where your obligations lie . And that must be difficult for you since you have a warm heart but we only get one go-round and childhood is precious.

jfkoc · May 15

Jumping back in…go to alz.com and read all. Then go online and read. Then go to your library and take out The 36 Hour Day.

You can help right now by knowing what needs to be done financially medically and legally. You do not need to discuss all you read with your friend. You need to be his caregiver emotionally ass well as physically.

You also need to know how best to live with someone with dementia for now. For starters learn to listen…listen to the words and hear what is behind the words. Do not reason or argue. Help set up a care team….correct Dr., lawyer, you, his family etc.

Bottom line? You care and will do you best to be a good friend.

ronda b · May 16

Please take advise of what others have said. It's not an easy road and you do have a small child.

upstateAnn · May 18

You are not married? If not that means you have no legal rights. Caring for someone with dementia is a long and rocky road. No one here would judge you if you walked away. Your first obligation is to your child.

Princess Posty · May 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73047/friend

HI I'm Kendra i'm 54 my fiance is 59 he has Vascular Dementia (was diagnosed 2 1/2 yrs ago) we met 5 yrs ago. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND what you are feeling i've gone from being his fiance/lover/companion to friend/care giver. I LOVE THIS MAN WITH MY WHOLE HEART TO THE RAW CORE OF MY SOUL HE IS MY PERSON but I'm devastated watching him decline so rapidly and I guess in a way I was in denial until yesterday when he wandered off and I had to call the police!!! S#%t got REAL!! ( within 10 min he was found safe) I'm here for you! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!🧠💔💪

itcanbedoneamigo · May 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243224#Comment_243224

He has no one. I hear what you are saying. If I stress him out by changing our relationship, I'm not good for him. Yet he seems to be forgetting so rapidly, as long as I'm here for him, he feels thankful...

itcanbedoneamigo · May 19

I am willing to do that, and your right I should get that done. Because as his mind slips, he will need me to make decisions.

weareallunique · May 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243597#Comment_243597

Who does your daughter have? Children notice everything. Suggest you talk with a child psychologist about what your focus on him could do to her self image and development. And read here about potential behavioral - physical and verbal - she could be exposed to as his disease progresses.

He makes you feel needed and as an adult can express it better than a child but her needs are valid also.

BPS · May 20

I think you should talk to professionals about options for him (If he has no family I don't know who takes responsibility when he can't). You can move him out and still be a supportive friend. You probably shouldn't take on any legal responsibility or even POA. This disease gets harder then you think when it all starts and it goes on and on. Your not married, your primary responsibility is to your daughter. You are in a very hard situation. No matter what you do you are going second guess yourself for a long time. My wife has been relatively easy to deal with compared to a lot of people here, but how are you going to feel in 10 years when your daughter is 14 and he is mad and yelling at you for running around having affairs with multiple men or worse when he acts inappropriately toward your daughter. It is very difficult I am sorry to say. Life is short and you deserve to enjoy some of it and have a relationship that is mutually beneficial.

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