Should we move our loved one

@Bob8915

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

This is a difficult situation. Aside from the concerns expressed by the previous poster—

Is this something your son wants or is this strictly her idea? It's not uncommon for adult children and their parents to be on different pages when defining "help". She may be thinking of him in a caregiver role while he's thinking he'll swing by every couple of weeks to lift heavy things for her. It's best to sort that out.

Is he familiar with the behaviors commonly associated with dementia like apathy, lack of empathy and social filter, wandering, paranoia, hallucinations, delusions? Does he understand that the disease is progressive and that she will lose her IADLs (managing the sort of tasks one learns as a teen/younger adult) and then ADLs (self-feeding, hygiene and toileting) requiring 24/7 care?

Is he in a phase of his life where he can realistically oversee her care and manage his existing commitments? If he's younger, he should be focused on building his own career and relationships. If he's raising kids, he should be focused on that. Does he have a job that affords him a great deal of flexibility?

Since it sounds like mom's assets are limited, she'll like need institutional Medicaid funding at some point to cover costs of aides in the home or a facility if she doesn't already have a robust LTC policy. Not all states allow Medicaid funds to pay for AL; if he lives in one, she'd need to qualify for skilled nursing to get placed which could leave a gap of her needed supervision-level care without funding for it.

I also agree that the legal piece including a DPOA and Medicaid planning with state comparisons is a must-do.

She should be seen by a doctor. Her PCP can do a quick screening for cognition and order imaging and bloodwork to rule out other, potentially treatable, conditions.

HB

my very good friend and travel partner for the last 7 years started with soMe memory problems about 2-3 years ago. I helped him get into gerintologist, athen a big neuroscience center to see neurologist, then a clinical trial was suggested as only hope. Anyway in the last 6-9 months he was obviously getting worse. I was the only one on the island helping him. Resources were about none as he does not qualify for Medicaid and his private Medicare advantage does not either. Turned out he about $5,000 to his name except for his million dollar condo and nice car. We live separately and always did everything 50/50 with our travels. I was shocked to find out the dire financial situation when I intervened when he got scammed for $5000. I had to lain him $. All along I have been trying to contact his estranged 2 children with no response. I have contacted his sister on the mainland begging for help, please come see him, this is bad, his finances are a mess, worried with his uncontrolled spending that in a matter of months he could foreclose.

He named me as POA and his sister alternate. Finally after months and months of requesting help for my sweet 79 year old friend the ex wife from over 10 years ago offers to come help as I had family responsibilities on mainland. I turned over POA to sister.Everything got worse, she somehow turned on me, made crazy allegations and they booked him a flight to leave the island. They took his phone before leaving after about 2 weeks into the trip to help cover while I had to be gone. Got him a new one and obviously has blocked me. We were so very close. The first person I talked to in the morning, the last at night and most days we were together for meals or outings with friends.

How do I cope with this abrupt loss of connection to this wonderful man, who I cannot talk to anymore. I was already mourning the loss of my friends memory before this.

this is what the sister says: To get thru this, 

Let him know you are in AZ now at the new house. 

No Kauai talk. 

You are his dear friend in AZ now, not Kauai 🙏🌺 Lisa