How to deal with a mom that thinks you're stealing.

momunoz · May 23

Hello, first time poster and just wanted to get some advice. My 87yr young mother is in early/mid stage dementia. Her short term memory is at maybe 30%. And unfortunately she's begun to confuse long term memories with recent ones. Example, she thinks my grandma who passed away 47 yrs ago just passed away a couple years ago and continually mistakes me (son) for her mother. On top of that she has the common paranoia of people taking her things so she hides her purse/wallet and when she forgets where, she accuses me of taking them. She's become very argumentative about her bank card and money and continually accuses me of taking it and stealing her money. Anytime I suggest an approach for her to better keep track of her stuff she says I just want her out of my house. Any advice how to deal? I've begun looking at assisted living/memory care places but realistically I/she could only afford to be in one for a year or so. Plus she's so paranoid about her stuff (furniture/appliances) she would want to take all her stuff with her.

SusanB-dil · May 23

Hi momunoz - this is, unfortunately, quite common. There are meds that can dial back that agitation without being zombied. Also, you could probably diffuse the situation by just 'agreeing' with her... 'I'm not sure where your purse is, but I'll help you find it'

also, are you keeping track of the finances and bank cards? A lot of times it helps to put either expired cards or already-spent money cards in the wallet.

Sorry you are dealing with 'this'

harshedbuzz · May 23

@momunoz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

A couple of thoughts. If mom's assets are limited, it may be necessary for her to convert to Institutional Medicaid once she spends down. Even in states with filial support laws, it's rare for family to be required to pay for care. An elder law attorney could advise you specific to your state.

To my ear, it sounds like your mom is further in terms of progression than early/mid stage. The accusations of theft and inability to recognize close family members is a late Stage 5— Moderately Severe Dementia symptoms. Below— see Tam Cumming's Stages

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

The best practice for her misplacing things and accusing you of theft is to remove anything important from her possession behind her back. I removed dad's license and credit cards and kept them in mom's or my wallet as needed. I replaced the real license with a laminated copy (illegal in my state, but he wasn't driving) and some expired cards they had. I also left him with $20 in ones so her felt like he had money.

For the actual accusations and her upset, you are making the rookie mistake of trying to reason with a person with a broken reasoner. We've pretty much all done this. The situation will blow over a whole lot faster and with less upset for you both if you validate her feelings, apologize, and offer to help her. Saying something like "Oh that's terrible you were robbed, let me help you find where they hid your stuff".

This might be hard for you at first. A lot of "kids" feel guilty lying to a parent. That wasn't my issue. My dad and I had a challenging relationship, and I grew up on unfair accusations, so I was reluctant to apologize for something I didn't do. But as this phase of dad's dementia dragged on with him routinely accusing me of stealing $360K from him by various means, I decided to go for it. I told him I was sorry I took his money and promised never to steal any again. He immediately calmed down and dropped it.

HB

H1235 · May 24

I agree that medication might help. I also agree that it’s best to avoid confrontation as much as possible. She is always right. The sky is green the grass is blue- ok! Offer to help her find the missing item. If it’s something she shouldn’t have then, you can’t find it, but put on a show. Of helping her look. I know it’s dishonest, but if it calms her it’s worth it. My mom is very angry about money, but doesn’t accuse me of stealing. I try to avoid the topic. I would rather she is mad than to have her scammed out of a bunch of money because I didn’t want her mad at me. It’s rough! People with dementia loose so much independence anger and accusations are common. We moved mom to assisted living and she expected regular visits to her house so she could look through her things. This is another sore subject, since I have not taken her to her house since the move to Al. We do the best we can, but there are times she is just going to be upset (it stinks). Hang in there.

momunoz · October 10

Thanks all for the advice. I tried the replacing valuable items trick and it did help a bit.

The latest status is I've decided to move in with my girlfriend, rent my house out and place my mom in a memory care home, one of the small house type ones. My new issue is that when I bring it up my mom she get angry because she thinks I'm stealing the house from her and my aunt…I'm pretty sure I'll need to try and get power of attorney against her will. Would my first step be to contact an elder law attorney?

H1235 · October 10

You can’t get power of attorney against her will. What you will need is guardianship. Unfortunately this is more costly and time consuming to get. You will need to prove in court that she is a harm to herself or others. I would try writing down all the symptoms you have seen and in extreme examples have dates. The “harm to herself or others” is what they use. It’s ridiculous, but just having delusions or might not be enough. Yes, an elder law attorney is where you will need to go. I think moving her to mc is probably a good decision. I hope everything works out.

towhee · October 10

You absolutely need to see an elder lawyer. Look at nelf.org or naela.org. As the previous poster said she has to be willing to give you POA. She has to sign the document in front of witnesses and it has to be notorized. She also has to be able to understand what she is doing at the time of signing (even if she forgets an hour later) or the lawyer will not proceed. If she cannot do that you do need to go for guardianship/conservatorship. For this the court must decide that she cannot manage her own affairs and it will lean heavily on her doctors opinion to decide that. Make sure your family is on the same page about the necessity of taking these steps and that they all agree on who should be guardian. It is when you have family disagreements that this gets really expensive. Guardianship is going to cost you a few thousand dollars anyway. Make sure that the lawyer you use has experience with guardianship. Danger to herself or others is the standard used to commit to psychiatric ward or hospital, which unfortunately also sometimes happens.

How to deal with a mom that thinks you're stealing.

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