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Not recognizing home

lvander
lvander Member Posts: 2
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I am writing on behalf of my DB. His DW has had a very fast decline in the last 10 months and now not able to to do tasks around the house such as cooking or cleaning but still able to basically do her ADL’s. She all of a sudden is accusing him of moving them to a new place without her being consulted. This is a house they have lived in for 55 years. She won’t let it go and wants to know when “they’re going back?”. He doesn’t know what to say to her other than repeating that “it IS their home”. He says he doesn’t want to lie to her but it’s causing so much anxiety for him with such a fast decline. Anyone have any advice on what has worked in this scenario? She can act very normal at times yet.

Comments

  • sandwichone123
    sandwichone123 Member Posts: 959
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    Not wanting to lie is certainly understandable. He can say, "we'll go home tomorrow," which may be true, or redirect her attention as Chammer suggests. However, if he sticks with she's wrong and they're already home it will be a difficult path, because she is no longer able to recognize the truth of that statement so she will begin to distrust him.

    We are taught that truth matters, which is true, but in this case the truth cannot be recognized so he will need to find solutions that work within her reality.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 1,586
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    tell him her reasoner is broken so arguing or correcting her is of no help. Wanting to go home is a feeling not a place and caused by anxiety. He could speak to her doctor to prescribe anti-anxiety meds that may help. Tell him to fib to her. He will need to repeat the fib often. Something like they are staying because the power is off, the roof is being replaced, etc. have him read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which explains a lot and helped me after my DH’s diagnosis. You should read it to as well as all family members.

  • jfkoc
    jfkoc Member Posts: 4,320
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    He can try getting in the car for a ride and then returning home.

  • JohnC101
    JohnC101 Member Posts: 1
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    As a rookie on this site, and as the care giver to DW, I was just about to post the exact same question. She is 74, no longer able to do housework, cooking, driving, laundry, finances, etc. But the biggest aggravation for me is her constantly saying she wants to go home, that this is not the same house we haver lived in for 43 years. I understand her confusion and anxiety, and have read 36 Hour Day, but I am looking for better solutions. The above comments are helpful - I will give them a try, recognizing it will be an over and over process. Thanks!!

  • ARIL
    ARIL Member Posts: 69
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    This is a tough one, but very common. My LO told me every day for several years that tomorrow we’ll be going back home, even though the house was “home” for 40+ years. Now in MC, we still discuss “going home” a lot. It means different things at different times.

    I have done different things: Well, you’ve got a lot of your things here; we bought that table at such-and-such place… (that is, distract with specifics). I have also agreed: sure, we’ll go tomorrow. I’ve said other things. It’s one of my LO’s most repetitive questions…

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more