MCF after stay in psych hospital

Bebobra · May 24

It has been a long while since I last posted an update here (I did last week yet found my answer) and am truly thankful for this site.

My MIL finally got moved to a MCF this afternoon after a week plus stay in a psych hospital after she had a catastrophic event at my BIL and SIL’s house. My DH and I live in another State and drive the 4 hours down to visit when we can and know we cannot visit her in the MCF as we are triggers for her. Whenever we visited her with BIL she would always ask my DH if he’s going back to the city she lives in and to take her home.

Apparently BIL and SIL went to visit her this evening and she stated that she wants to go home. We have her placed there on PT/rehab for 30 days (hopefully to get her settled there as well as to see if this facility will be a fit for her) as my BIL believes she is no longer capable to stay with them. True. My DH wants her back at her house where she is “happy”. She is 5+ hours away from BIL and almost 9 from us. I don’t want her back at home. I am very happy she is where she is as I was doing a LOT of the caregiving prior to getting caregivers in last May.

My question is, will my MIL ever stop talking about “going home?” Both sons are agonized over this and I believe the MCF will be able to get her to stay. Am I foolish to think this way? The ED told us he has never had one patient come in that has left the facility because they went on and on about going home, in the 24 years he has been there. It’s a facility Dr Tam Cummings recommended to us after we told her where we were going to tour initially, another facility (her words were “Please don’t do that to your Mom”) on Monday when she called me. Tuesday morning the facility she recommended was 100 times better than the one we had seen.

Having a hard time right now knowing we cannot visit because of her transition. Yet know it is for the best. I miss her so much!!!

sandwichone123 · May 24

Wanting to go home lasts much, much longer than the ability to be safe at home.

A word of warning: if your dh is successful in his quest to bring her back to the living situation that wasn't working before, please let your dh provide the associated care. Often when families make unwise decisions in the care of a person with dementia, it's because they have really not seen the behavior or the person's needs first hand.

Bebobra · May 24

@sandwichone123 Thank you for your input. He’s always wanted to wait until she doesn’t remember anyone before putting her in a MCF. I disagree with him.

harshedbuzz · May 24

@Bebobra

Almost all PWD will eventually settle into the routine of MCF over time. Most do within 2 months. Dad settled in a few weeks; my aunt did immediately. There was only one member here whose partner struggled long term with this in my time here. She was a real outlier, and things did improve considerably when the member was able to advocate for her first-choice placement which took some time.

That said, there comes a time when a PWD's safety becomes the most critical part of decision making. Unless MIL can afford 24/7 car in home with her sons covering no-shows, vacations and sicks days a quality MCF is your best option.

Were you to move her back home without that level of care, assuming they are either her guardians or the agents of her DPOA, they are legally obligated to look out for her safety. Should she start a fire cooking, get scammed out of her life savings, or be shot by a neighbor who thinks she's an intruder they could be held liable for that outcome given her documented diagnosis and need for a geri psych admission.

HB

Anonymousjpl123 · May 24

I will add one note: I’ve always had misgivings about putting my mom in MC because she talked of wanting to live with me. She never lived alone or independently. To make up for it, I had her home for overnights. The last time I did, woke up to hear banging and it was her trying to shut the door. She had gotten open the deadbolt and gone outside. I don’t think she went far or was out long, but she had no pants on and it was the middle of the night. Never again.

I realized if I want her home I would have to provide the security, food, care, medication management, and health care and washing that the memory care does. Not going to happen.

Your DH and you can visit when she is ready, and make sure she is getting great care.

Three years into this caregiving journey (I can’t believe it) I can say that it has really helped to remember that my mom is still a person. She wants to be “home,” but where is that? Right now that would be living with me, but she wouldn’t really want that. And she has other adult children she doesn’t speak to. Getting old is hard, but it doesn’t have to be awful. My mom is well cared for, has me, and has friends where she is. It took a lot of time and a lot of work but it can be done.

Remember, you’re trying to give her a decent quality of life when she can’t care for herself.

Let the facility help her develop some routines, and check in with them often until you can visit. I promise it can be done and you and she will be ok

terei · May 25

Additionally, the PWD may NEVER not recognise her close relatives. My mother knew me and others who visited her regularly til she died. That is not a something to wait for til she is placed in a facility. It sounds as if you have done more than your share of caregiving already(JMO)

ARIL · May 25

You have gotten good responses already, but I will just chime in. A good MC is a safe place with thoughtful staff who are trained to work with people WD. Good for you for helping her be safe.

My LO has been in MC for 13 months and is fully aware of my identity almost all the time. (I hope that holds.) Yet my LO definitely needs the level of care MC provides. We talk about “going home” a lot, multiple times each visit, in fact. Sometimes it means the room at MC, sometimes it means my house where my LO sometimes visits for lunch, sometimes it’s a childhood home with my LO’s parents (one of whom died in the 1940s). When I settled down and noticed that “home” means “a place where I feel safe and/or loved,” I started responding in an upbeat fashion and stopped feeding my LO’s anxiety. Well, in our best moments. :)

I have to say that the idea that your MIL will be “happy” at her house seems like a naive fantasy to me—one that is only possible from someone who isn’t doing the lion’s share of the caregiving and doesn’t know what day-to-day life at the house is like. I have relatives who speak in similar ways, and I always hear it as sadly ignorant. Or really irritating, depending on my mood!

Wishing you the best. There’s nothing easy about any of this, but I hope your MIL’s situation will stay on a good track—for her and for you!

Bebobra · May 27

Thanks so much for all your comments.

As difficult as this has been for my DH and BIL, I do believe she is where she’s meant to be. The latest update from yesterday is she helped with the Memorial Day BBQ with the Director (great photo of them grilling burgers), decorate the dining room and had fun doing the macarena as the residents were shown how to! Watching the videos made me cry happy tears, knowing she WILL do better there than isolated at home. Slowly but surely I do believe my DH’s guilt about placing her there will subside.

LibraryAnn · May 28

for what it's worth - my Dad has lived with his wife for 10 years. since his ALZ has become more advanced, he wakes up at his house every morning talking about going home —— to his childhood home where he lived 50 years ago!! For him at least "home" is more of a feeling than an exact place.
I hope that your MIL has a smooth transition to the new MC.

SDianeL · May 29

what LibraryAnn said. Going home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling caused by anxiety. Many people with dementia and living at home still say they want to go home. Hope your MIL settles in quickly. You might try visiting at mealtime and not saying goodbye when you leave, just quietly slip out and tell the nurse you’re leaving so they can distract her. Ice cream worked for my DH. If she asks to go home, create a fib about why she needs to stay there: the house is being repaired, the power is off, etc. then change the subject.

MCF after stay in psych hospital

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