I'm Hitting My Limit

One big hug to you.

Give yourself some grace. You are doing what you can do and the best that you can. This is not fair. Vent as you need to. I hope you begin to feel a bit better and can move in the best direction for both of you.

I agree with the others; you are not a failure. It is very hard because your relationship is no longer a partnership and never will be again. I remember another poster once said that sometimes no matter what you do to please your DW, the person with dementia may not ever be happy. There is no easy answer; so sorry you have hit a wall on this journey.

The commonly discussed stages of grief are denial, numbness, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Grief is individual and people may not experience all stages, or in a specific order. The stages are non-linear, and some steps may last longer than others. 

Cindy, you are an amazing person for standing by your DW like you have with little to no positive affirmation coming back. You are in the thick of the battle now, but at 58 you are still very young and have much to look forward to. It really hurts that we have to walk away from a work environment we enjoyed to take on the thankless job of caregiver. Besides losing the financial benefits, we also lose social interaction, camaraderie with closest co-workers, career goals, physical activity, etc.- all of which is irreplaceable in the caregiver role. They say one of the best ways to resist the negative drag of resentment and rumination during tough times is to maintain a positive sense of purpose and visualize goals for your future self. Unfortunately, in our situation (caring for a terminal patient) this means we need to envision self-actualizing our full potential without our LO by our side. This all sucks, and the present pain is so real. If we just keep moving through the fire we can be satisfied we did our best when life threw some of it’s worst challenges in our path. We can see ourselves as survivors who will find joy in whatever comes next in our life’s journey. Hang in there!

I am with you sister. My DH can be so ugly. The doctor prescribed Quetiapine and it helps, but I sure can tell when he has missed his dose.

It is like a betrayal. I struggle with all the important decisions and tasks being fully my responsibility. It was always shared before and I could count on him to do the things I felt less competent to handle. The loss of affection hurts so bad. I am lucky that it still sometimes surfaces.

I am so sorry you are struggling. I hope you get some Respite.

It isn’t you or the person you care for it is the disease that has robbed you of a relationship, employment and a life. There is no upside what so ever. Survival is the most we can hope for. Find something that you can enjoy each day and don’t expect anything from DW and don’t beat yourself up. It is the disease not you or DW.

I understand fully. I have been helping a very close friend/ travel partner for over 2 1/2 years since I noticed his memory failing. I encouraged him to see a gerontologist since his PCP was no help, got MRI showed early Alzheimer’s. Went off island to Oahu to the big neurocenter, did everything we could do including every 5 week trips for a clinical trial. No help. Last 8 months he go worse. My living situation in Kauai got super tight with 8increase of HOA to $200 per month so I decided that for my daughter and grandson we had to move to mainland. I told my friend that was what he needed to make plans about. He got scammed, lost $5000 and that’s when I realized he had only $500 nest egg that was not goi g to last with his spending habits. I became so stressed, calling everyone I could to help my dear friend, his 2 children are non responsive and his sister just did not respond to my pleads for help except encouragement in ways that did not help. I finally reached out to the children he raised with his ex wife and they contacted her. She offered to help while I had to be in the mainland.

No she accused me of all sorts of BS, that I was even a threat to her personnel safety. This is so bizarre. I am a gentle person.
anyway long story short she arranged for him to get a new phone while I was gone, changed his number and took him to CA. I have no way to reach him now. He is going to ? Stay with his sister.

He was so close to me for over 7 years, first person I spoke to every morning and the last at night. We did most of our days together. They baited him with the trip saying I was to be there to meet him there. Lies and more lies.
I am deeply saddened for first the gradual loss of my best friends memory and now to be completely cut off.
I don’t know how to cope.

Suggestions.?

I think we all WANT to be patient and compassionate towards the person we are caring for, but we MUST remember to be patient and compassionate with ourselves. We are not trained professionals in this area; we are “learn as we go” spouses. Thank God we have so many people here who understand!