Not recognizing home

lvander · May 23

I am writing on behalf of my DB. His DW has had a very fast decline in the last 10 months and now not able to to do tasks around the house such as cooking or cleaning but still able to basically do her ADL’s. She all of a sudden is accusing him of moving them to a new place without her being consulted. This is a house they have lived in for 55 years. She won’t let it go and wants to know when “they’re going back?”. He doesn’t know what to say to her other than repeating that “it IS their home”. He says he doesn’t want to lie to her but it’s causing so much anxiety for him with such a fast decline. Anyone have any advice on what has worked in this scenario? She can act very normal at times yet.

Chammer · May 23

Others smarter than me will chime in as well. Home for her is a feeling not a place. It is better not to say this is your home, instead, ask what is it about home that you like, love, miss? What reminds you of home? Tell her we will go home later, tomorrow after the rain stops, after the folks get back from vacation. If it is sundowning, there are things to do to minimize that including shutting curtains or blinds before it gets dark and turn lights on in the house. Again, folks smarter than me can fill in the blanks that I'm sure I've left open! 😃 lots of great support here!

sandwichone123 · May 24

Not wanting to lie is certainly understandable. He can say, "we'll go home tomorrow," which may be true, or redirect her attention as Chammer suggests. However, if he sticks with she's wrong and they're already home it will be a difficult path, because she is no longer able to recognize the truth of that statement so she will begin to distrust him.

We are taught that truth matters, which is true, but in this case the truth cannot be recognized so he will need to find solutions that work within her reality.

SDianeL · May 24

tell him her reasoner is broken so arguing or correcting her is of no help. Wanting to go home is a feeling not a place and caused by anxiety. He could speak to her doctor to prescribe anti-anxiety meds that may help. Tell him to fib to her. He will need to repeat the fib often. Something like they are staying because the power is off, the roof is being replaced, etc. have him read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which explains a lot and helped me after my DH’s diagnosis. You should read it to as well as all family members.

jfkoc · May 24

He can try getting in the car for a ride and then returning home.

JohnC101 · May 29

As a rookie on this site, and as the care giver to DW, I was just about to post the exact same question. She is 74, no longer able to do housework, cooking, driving, laundry, finances, etc. But the biggest aggravation for me is her constantly saying she wants to go home, that this is not the same house we haver lived in for 43 years. I understand her confusion and anxiety, and have read 36 Hour Day, but I am looking for better solutions. The above comments are helpful - I will give them a try, recognizing it will be an over and over process. Thanks!!

ARIL · May 29

This is a tough one, but very common. My LO told me every day for several years that tomorrow we’ll be going back home, even though the house was “home” for 40+ years. Now in MC, we still discuss “going home” a lot. It means different things at different times.

I have done different things: Well, you’ve got a lot of your things here; we bought that table at such-and-such place… (that is, distract with specifics). I have also agreed: sure, we’ll go tomorrow. I’ve said other things. It’s one of my LO’s most repetitive questions…

Not recognizing home

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