Out of state sister with early Alzheimer's is stubborn, petulant and resistant to help.

JoanEK · May 31

I am her HCPOA and DPOA. Neurologist explained her diagnosis to her, and told her she needs 24/7 aides if she wants to remain in her home, that she may not drive or be responsible for her medication, and must use a walker (many falls.) But she states she does not have Alzheimer's, is rude to and fires every aide we hire, insists on driving, won't use the walker, and won't take her medication. We've hired an excellent nurse patient advocate who our sister likes, but even with her she is snippy, stubborn, angry and resistant to being cared for. Help?

JeriLynn66 · May 31

Sorry for the need, but glad you found your way to here. Read about anosognosia. Your sister is not in denial. She truly (because of the disease) does not believe or understand that anything is wrong with her. There is a resource on this site for newcomers under "Groups". Much useful information there.

All the best to you,

sandwichone123 · June 1

If she were able to understand the problem and take effective action, she would not need care. The problem is that, while she still looks and sounds like the same person, she is no longer able to understand. She feels attacked when people tell her that she is not functioning effectively. She is unable to make wise decisions and carry them out. These are all the reasons she needs someone to care for her.

You will not be able to convince her and she will not be able to take wise action. Someone needs to take charge, make a plan, and carry it out. You will need to find a way to have her go along with the plan, but explaining it to her will not be helpful. It's really hard for everyone when it's the brain that's not working correctly.

JoanEK · June 1

I'm grateful for your response and your kind words. You've helped me understand better how to interact with her, and given excellent advice, such as about limiting her access to finances to a debit card (she's been spending a fortune on credit card catalog shopping sprees!) The car issue has been a big problem, but looking at it from the perspective of protecting her finances is logical, and I'm going to take action on that as we oversee her finances. In Texas, a family member can report a driver to the DMV, and we should also report her diagnosis to her insurance company. In general, we've been letting her run the show too much as she is strong-willed, determined and controlling, trying to avoid angering her, but now I understand that we need to be more proactive and strategic about her care. She does not want to move from her home in Dallas. I live in Ohio and our other sister is in Massachusetts. I have been down to see her, and we're planning another visit. We are fortunate to have found a highly respected and trusted nurse patient advocate who sees her daily and controls her medications, appointments, and day to day finances. We also (currently) have day and night aides with her. Yes, we arranged for her to work with an elder care lawyer to draw up all her documents, and the DPOA is in force. She chose me to be her legal guardian and I have the forms to begin the process, but all involved feel it's too early for that. This truly is a lot to deal with, especially from far away. She's the first family member to have dementia, so this is all new to me, so I especially value your advice. Thank you.

Out of state sister with early Alzheimer's is stubborn, petulant and resistant to help.

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