Angry and Jealous

bwanasil · June 2

It’s been 5 years now since my DW was diagnosed with this terrible disease which I think is worse than cancer .

She is physically very fit and looks like a 60 year old, unfortunately every single day I wake up to a new change … and not for the better either. Her memory, temper and aphasia are all getting worse . It is so sad to see and hear your DW in a great talking mood and not being able to understand a single word .

I just can’t handle listening to my friends “happy” stories, social lives, travel plans etc… something I was very lucky to have enjoyed for years. It makes me very angry just thinking how all this has come to an abrupt end for us because of this horrible disease … with more heartache on the horizon according to all the postings on this forum.

Even the Calvary can’t help me. After 55 years of a happy marriage, I seem to be loosing my temper a lot more… kinda scary

Only thing I have going for me is golf. I enjoy and intentionally play with people I don’t know . They are not concerned about my private life nor ask how my wife is doing unlike my friends. Talk on the Course is sport or politics… Trump mostly.

Been sipping my single malt so I hope my posting makes sense !,

Biggles · June 2

it is such a rotten, awful, dreadful, destroying disease. It not only destroys the person with the disease but can destroy the carer as well. Good hearted people say take care of yourself which drives me nuts and yet I know what they mean. Family and friends only have so much compassionate caring time that they can give and then they seem to pass on due to other commitments. My DH also has aphasia he was a big talker and I so miss our discussions all I get is word salad and I find if I can’t fill in the missing words I just say things like uh huh and oh yes etc. I have found happy friends including a favourite sister to be unbearable going off to dinners, on cruises, and the theatre. It has taken me a long time to get over that. I still avoid those enthusiastic people who can’t help but tell you how successful and wonderful their lives are, but you know I no longer care. There is a lovely article to read written by Bill, writer of The Cavalry’s NOT Coming. Look up The Cairgivers Brain it just might help. It’s helped me enormously. Hang in there, enjoy the golf, we have disability sailing and I sail by myself leaving others to care for my DH. It’s my only relief.

trottingalong · June 2

All I can say is I understand.

BPS · June 2

I have those same feelings even though my wife is in memory care. I think she looks forward to me coming to visit so I do every day. Maybe she wouldn't care if I didn't, I don't know, so I am still tied to the moment here and now not able to live and plan a meaningful life.

tonyac2 · June 2

I totally get what you’re saying. This horrible disease has hijacked both of our lives. Never in a million years did I see us in this place. It’s sad to think that our best years are behind us. I will continue to try to make each day as enjoyable as possible for my DH.

SDianeL · June 2

we understand exactly how you feel. Both the person with this terrible disease and their caregiver lose so much. We lose our partners and we lose what could have been. We know the outcome. I’m in Stage 8 and I still have a hard time listening to people talk about their trips and holidays. Then I feel guilty about feeling that way. 😢💜

CindyBum · June 2

Understand completely and also agree it’s time for a single malt.

LindaLouise · June 2

I completely feel the same way. This awful disease has taken away my future and broken my heart. We have been married 47 years, and my DH is only 69 and probably in late stage 6. Sadly, due to agitation and hallucinations, he has to be in memory care. I visit him daily and still love him dearly, but it is heartbreaking to see this wonderful man reduced to someone who can't communicate, doesn't remember anything of our life together and struggles to make sense of who our children and grandchildren are. I see couples out walking, shopping or getting in a car together; just seeing that triggers feelings of sadness and loss that can overwhelm me . The years we won't have, the memories we will never make, and most of all, the joy in our children and grandkids that is no longer shared with my life partner - we have lost so much. My daughter told me that she feels a bit of anger when she sees older men and wonders "Why are you okay and my dad isn't?" I think there is no way we wouldn't feel angry and jealous when we hear of others lives without this burden we carry - but that anger comes from our grief and deep sadness at what we have lost. I know people lose spouses in so many ways. but I think this might be one of the hardest…

midge333 · June 2

One of the things that eats at me is the gradual loss of shared memories. It is like our life together is an elaborate drawing on a chalkboard that someone has erased. I guess I still have the memories but they are no longer shared with the person that matters most to me.

Arrowhead · June 2

I also miss the life I had before. When it makes me sad and angry, I think of the many people I know who have never had what I had. I know many who have lived lonely lives because they were never able to find someone to journey through life with. Then I think of an episode of MASH, where BJ is despondent over being away from his family, especially his very young daughter. Margaret gets angry and tells him that he had only lost more than others have because he had more to begin with. So, I just remember the past and try to take pleasure remembering the way it was.

trottingalong · June 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244601#Comment_244601

I agree. You said it perfectly.

FredW · June 2

Single malt, without guilt, is OK.

Anger is truly understandable.

Ambiguous loss just plain hurts.

Escaping in your favorite pastime is allowed.

So is crying.

Timmyd · June 2

What has been eating at me lately. I ask for a few hours of help here and there from DW family. I don't want to hear the reason why you are not available on a specific day or time. These are family members who will say they are fully committed to helping me with DW, but when the time comes, I get to hear about their niece's graduation, or some friends that are visiting, or concert tickets they already bought.

There is nothing I am allowed to prioritize higher than providing care for DW. It is hard to hear the details of all things her family members are allowed to prioritize higher than caring for DW.

Just tell me you are not available; don't share with me your reason.

CindyBum · June 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244614#Comment_244614

Oh man…do I ever get to experience this one, particularly from one of my DW's sisters. They're a huge family who talk incessantly about how they're the closest, most loving family ever, because they have these big Christmas and other parties.

My DW has 6 brothers and sisters and 14 nieces and nephews, a daughter and son and several 4 grandchildren. I get help from 1 sister, for which I will be eternally grateful. I'd be dying right now without that help now and again.

The rest can't seem to be bothered. Listening to the other sister, in particular, tell me about how she's prioritized everything in her life above her sister pisses me off to no end.

Hang in there, all.

Russinator · June 2

((HUGS))

harrisonro · June 2

hi all

I try desperately to take away some good from all this. It gets very hard at times. I’m 79. My dw is also 79. For the past few years she has been slowly spiraling down. Recently, she was diagnosed with dementia and it is surprising how quickly the slide has become! She still know our family. Her tunnel vision ( focus on specific things) has started taking over everything. What really gets to me is how she doesn’t listen or understand anything I say. And BOY, does she love to argue. I get so overwhelmed every day. I miss the quiet. I’m a spiritual believer and I keep looking for what God would have me learn. I know in the past I learned our greatest help to others comes from our greatest sufferings… I’m not sure where I am going with this. I just needed to get it off my chest

I am blest to have 3 grown daughters who all “get” what I am going through. I need to be careful how much “stuff” I lay on them.

AlzWife2023 · June 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244601#Comment_244601

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244638#Comment_244638

I feel similarly. I think what God wants is for us is simple: to love him and to love each other… so just love your wife and don't hang on the past or the pain. Just let love lead your lives day by day & don't feel bad about laying stuff on your daughters—their job is to love you. Let Go. Let God.

bjt84 · June 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/244670#Comment_244670

Let go, let God - has guided me for many years. It works when you focus on making today the most important day of your life.

Angry and Jealous

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