Now or later

blacksparky · June 4

I’ve got a question on how to handle this situation. My DW has EOAD. She is in late stage 5 / early stage 6. Her father passed away about 9 months ago. My DW now cries daily saying she wants to see her dad. Today I received news that her mother has been told by doctor that she has only 6 months to live. Her body is full of cancer. I think DW’s father passing has made her progression faster and afraid the news of her mother will just speed up the progression. My question is should I tell her now or wait till her mother has progressed more? Right now we pick up her mom from her sisters house and bring her back to our house every Wednesday for lunch and a visit. I’m imagining that this routine will be ending sooner than later.

Chris20cm · June 4

I would say trust your own instincts, you know her better than anyone. But with my DW, in late stage 6, I don't tell her much of anything in advance or anything that's transpiring or trending because that only makes the pain and dread worse for her. Even little things like Dr appointments, beauty shop appointments, or family visits.

Carl46 · June 4

I agree. When my wife was stage 5 and 6, I didn't tell her anything in advance. She would remember we were getting haircuts, but she couldn't remember when, and I didn't want to answer that question 20 times a day. Besides, the poor woman was confused enough without adding to her frustration. In your case, your wife is still grieving her father, and adding the anticipatory grief of her mother's demise would not be kind.

My wife's parents died many years ago, but in stage 6 she began saying she wanted them. What she really wanted was to be young again. If your wife is crying daily, you might want to ask her doctor about an antidepressant. My wife benefitted from that, and from a very small dose of an antipsychotic when she began to have agitation and delusions.

I didn't tell my late mother (in NH with VD at the time) when her younger sister died or when her best friend of 90 years died, because I didn't have to. Why make her cry?

SDianeL · June 5

I would make up a fib about her Dad. Keep repeating. No reason for her to grieve over and over again. I would not tell her about her Mom. She won’t remember anyway. When her Mom passes you can decide whether to tell her or not. I would be inclined not to tell her or have her attend the funeral. Then make excuses (fibs) if she asks about her. The goal is to reduce her stress and grief. I too would talk to the doctor about anti-depressants.

Now or later

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