Taking away her car
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The car is at my house with a cover for now. But not sure what to do .0
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If you need to, disable the car so she cannot start it, or sell it. You can say it's "in the shop." They're "waiting for parts—you know how it is these days—these things take forever." She'll be upset for a while but is likely (not guaranteed) to forget about it pretty soon. With my dh, he would talk about getting a new car, so I showed him some nice ones and the prices completely convinced him that a new car would not be in the cards.
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Hi alizem - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.
Taking away driving privilege is one of the hardest things we do, but so darn necessary! Agreeing with sandwichone to disable the car.
It took a while for MIL to stop fixating on it, but she 'knew' there was something 'wrong' with it so she couldn't use it. She had admitted she got lost to the hairdresser's once. After we had removed her from the road, she admitted she got lost more than once, and also came to an intersection and forgot what to do. (wow-dang!) So glad you are watching out for her and being aware of her no-longer-safe driving. Yeah, it is hard!!
it is 'at your house', so is mom living alone? If so, please make sure finances are in order, as well as important paperwork of DPOA and HIPAA accesses.
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I think having it at your house is a good idea. Having it at her house for her to see every day would be a constant reminder for her. It my take some time, but hopefully she forgets about it. Out of site out of mind. Some just forget about driving and others are complaining with their last breath. I agree with Susan-dil. I know that wasn’t part of your post, but money mistakes and scams are the other big concern at this stage. I strongly recommend you keep a close eye on things. A DPOA is a must.
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That was a dead-end issue with my mom UNTIL it was time for her insurance to be renewed in January.
I told her it was not worth renewing it as they were increasing her premium yearly, due to her advanced age & increased liability. As her IL facility provides transportation and I live only 1 mile away, I told her the new premium of $2300 was too much and would only get higher next year.
After she accepted that line of thinking, I had her gift me her car. Now, when her facility can not take her somewhere due to scheduling conflicts, I can take her. Win-win!
If all else fails, and you live here in the US, you can contact the DMV anonymously and have them require her to do a driving test/road test in order to keep her license.
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Be careful gifting a car may cause problems if there is any chance that she will need Medicaid in the next 5 years.
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@alizem813
Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.
At the end of the day, safety comes first. Full stop. I would advise you to create a "fiblet" and disappear the car. Taking the keys away or converting her license to a state ID is just a performance piece that'll serve to humiliate and upset her. Emotional intelligence remains intact well into the disease process. Better to say, "the car is in the shop awaiting parts to be repaired". If she asks after it, you can kick the can down the road and repeat the fiblet. You could embellish it saying it's a supply chain issue or a tariff-related or repeat the original fiblet word-for-word.
There is every possibility, because of the emotional weight of this lost IADL, that she won't forget easily and that you might hear about it nonstop for months. Safety first, you just listen, validate her frustrations and pivot to a distraction if she's to that point. If not, you're going to just have to deal with her anger until she gets past this.
FWIW, she may never get over it. With mom (no dementia dx yet— vision issues), it still comes up from time to time some 6 years after she had to stop driving. She allows my son to drive her cute little roadster (it was an anniversary gift from my later dad), but it remains hers and he does sometimes drive her places. With dad, he never stopped talking about not being allowed to drive. His doctor was the one who delivered the news which allowed us to be his allies. Hours before he died in MC, he asked me to bring him is long sold car. At that point his memory was so bad, I promised to bring it on the next visit and leave the keys at the desk in case he needed to go somewhere. That made him happy— so much better than reminding him he wasn't allowed especially as it was the last I spoke with him.
HB1 -
ETA: Regarding what @H1235 commented on.
If you are mom's POA or guardian, you have a fiduciary duty to manage her assets prudently. It's true that gifting a car (worth more than $499) outright could prevent her from qualifying for institutional Medicaid should that be needed. An argument could also be made that allowing the car to sit idle and depreciating is fiscally irresponsible.
When my aunt took over as guardian for my other aunt, I did buy her late model Passat but paid Blue Book value for it.
HB0 -
True! Prior to taking any action, I had spoken to an Elder Care attorney. Consulting with her was invaluable, including learning how not to run afoul of the Medicaid 5-year lookback period.
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This is one of the most difficult things to deal with even when dementia is not an issue at all.
In many states you can report someone as an unsafe driver and get her doctor to send in or add that they shouldn't be driving. The issue with doing that is that the driver license will be suspended and then the insurance won't cover them and they might keep driving. The preferable route is to disable the car and get it out of your LO's reach.
I have known people to use a steering wheel lock, a boot, or disconnected the battery. The issue with that for us, was that the vehicle was still there and was a constant reminder. And if your loved one is still functional enough they can call someone to repair it or remove whatever you put on it.
As to the question of how long will it take your LO to get over it? Honestly our LO did not get over it until they were out of the house and the car was gone and they no longer remembered it, There is no easy way to do this. I hired a driver. We used Ubers. Unfortunately in many places, giving up driving means the loss of independence.
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This issue was the longest issue with my FIL. Before official Alz/Vascular Dementia diagnosis, he moved in with us. Kids told me he drove on wrong side of the road leaving McD. I went to his Dr & discussed it. He agreed he shouldn't drive but said to offer to drive for him & we'd revisit license surrender 6 mo from now. His reason was too many life changes lately. 3 weeks later he drove to base to pick up a med that he wasn't even on anymore. He had a stroke while driving, woke up in the pond & 2 pilots had to rescue him. Not 1 scratch on him.
At hospital Dr walked in & looked me in the eye & said I made a bad call. Convinced FIL to surrender license. Tests reveled stroke but also signs of Dementia.
For 2 years he begged for his car. Even though 7 days before wreck he had canceled full coverage insurance (we had no clue)& it kicked in 2 days before wreck. So car didn't get fixed. We just told him you totaled your car & surrendered license. He would forget then ask again. Until a couple years later with progression of dementia, he stopped asking. Maybe once in a blue moon he'll ask wheres my keys. Though now he mumbles 80% of the time.
I would park car at your home. If she won't surrender license, write DMV about your concerns. They may take license or have her do a driving test again.
It's tough when they get agitated by obsessing over something that's not safe for them to do anymore.
You're doing your best. Best of luck on your caregiving journey.
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You can take her to the doctor and they can be the one to take away driving. That's what we did for my mom.
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This will work if it is very obvious she should not be driving. Mom has had some doctors that would have told her she was fine, even when to me she was obviously not fine to drive.
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so sorry u r going through this. We dealt with the same thing. Mom was agreeable about me taking the keys then all of a sudden she was furious. I gave them back and put a note on steering wheel to not drive or start car. My sister called me and my mom was furious accusing one of us of taking her keys. After about 30 minutes my sister called back and found one set in mom’s pocket and the other in ignition. Luckily she let us take the keys because she didn’t remember walking out to garage and getting in her car. We ended up selling the car to my nephew. I had to put the idea of selling in her head like it was her idea. A few times we unhooked her battery. I don’t know the answer. It was horrible at the time but now she doesn’t mind. Check with your department of public safety. I’m not 100% but I believe if u have been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer’s I think you have to turn in ur drivers license and get a state ID. So u can ck with her doctor and he can tell her she can’t legally drive anymore. Good luck. This is the most disgusting disease ever. I feel like the nightmare is never going to end
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Just to pitch in: As others have said, it is really important to remove or disable the car. Losing a driver’s license might not stop the driving.
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You can disable the car pretty easily, perhaps by disconnecting the battery. That allows you to be "on her side," working to get it fixed and waiting endlessly for parts. You can have it removed "to the shop" where you'll have to wait "for parts." At that point you can sell it or have a family member store/use it until she forgets about it. That can be a much smoother solution than fighting about keys.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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