The Estate Sale

H1235 · June 8

I have been working on moms house since she was diagnosed two years ago. She is a hoarder. It not just piles of news papers that can go in a dumpster. It’s just everything. Because of the dementia I never know what I will find where. I live an hour away and spent the winter sorting through jewelry, greeting cards( she saved everyone she has ever received), and pictures. This spring I have been to her house about 16 hours a week to get ready for the sale. The week of the sale I just lived at her house for the week. After some complaining on my part my brother decided to take the whole week of the sale off work, vs just the two days of the sale. He spend every minute of that time working in a single stall garage. I did, well the entire house. Days before the sale the forecast was thunder storms. Since I planned to have more than half the things outside I quickly changed gears and started cleaning out additional rooms. As it turned out the weather was good. We invited my mom’s friend who has always seemed supportive and shares many of moms hobbies to come in before the sale if she was interested. She called the day before the sale to tell me what I was doing was wrong. She thought mom should be brought in to help us go through things and we should not be doing it behind her back. She told me my dad (who has passed) would be disappointed in me. I know she is making this judgement based on nothing, but it still really hurts. She was someone I liked and admired (notice the past tense). Who would say something like that. Opinions don’t always need to be shared. My brother didn’t put a single price on anything. His girlfriend did, which I thought might be helpful until I realized she was marking thing at full retail price. My mom was/is a very creative person and that was clear for anyone coming to the sale to see. I was hard to hear her referred to in the past tense, but nice to hear complies about how talented she was. At the same time I can’t help but feel angry with her for leaving me this to deal with. She has dementia I shouldn’t be angry with her! When it was all over I had to stop and see mom and bring her supplies. What a physically and emotionally draining week. All of that and I have really just scratched the surface of sorting through things.

MimiDIL · June 8

Wow! What an incredibly hard time you are having. I’m sorry your mom’s friend had to share that with you as I know you most have been so fatigued and also carrying a great burden for all the decisions you made and the decisions you will make in the future.

I think my observation on this is there are so many factors going into everyone’s journey, it’s impossible for anyone to just flat out tell you what you should or should not do. We can give you are experiences…but siblings are a factor, your LO’s finances are a factor, their ability to take care if the self and make sound decisions for themself is a factor.

It truly sounds as if you did a good job with a difficult situation (since I’m sure a lot of emotions and memories were brought up as you were doing the sorting) ON TOP OF the already draining experience of caring for your mom.

I hope you are able to gain some rest after all this. I hear you when you say you are feeling some anger for having to deal with this. I also know you have had it’s one of the five stages of grief. Personally, I experienced with my parents who both had health issues but not dementia. I’m supporting my husband who is saying the long good-bye that is dementia as he helps care for his mother. None of the situations were easy…and, yes, anger was involved in all. Just know people on this community support you and your right to feel your justifiable feelings and make decisions that are based on your unique circumstances.

sandwichone123 · June 8

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. Dementia is bad enough, but often the interpersonal aspects can be the worst.

psg712 · June 8

It is hard to clear out the house when your parent is still living. I am sorry for the harsh comments of your mom's friend. I experienced something similar when I moved my mom out of her house and several states away to a facility near my home. These friends and extended family members just do not understand the extent and impact of our parents' dementia. They see them as they once were and as they wish them to remain... not as they are. My sister and I returned to mom's house a few months after she moved out, we told very few people that we were even coming to town. We had a limited time to get the house cleared out and ready to sell and did not have time or emotional energy to spend on people who thought poorly of our decisions.

Don't believe what she said about your dad's disappointment. You are the one left in charge of your mom's care. If your dad understood the situation, he ought to be proud of how you have stepped up to handle everything.

ARIL · June 9

I send sympathies, for sure. A year ago I was clearing out a house and going through an experience very much like what @psg712 describes. There were naysayers who understood very little of the situation but felt free to share their opinions. Those hurtful comments are hard to throw off, I know, even when we have the strength to press forward with what we know is best.

As far as what your deceased father might think… How about another possibility? I see how you help people on this forum with sensitivity and compassion, and you share your experiences and perspectives while being careful not to assume that everybody’s circumstances are the same as yours. I have been impressed with your skill and your willingness to help. I have to think your dad would be proud of that.

JeriLynn66 · June 9

I'm going to echo @ARIL and others:

Your compassion and commitment are so evident in your posts. And you've moved mountains to care for your Mom in the best possible way.

H1235 · June 9

Thank you all for your kind and understanding comments.

SusanB-dil · June 9

Your mom's friend sounds clueless! Folks not dealing with 'this' truly do not understand.

I think your dad, and your mom, would be proud of the way you are handling everything. It is already a difficult situation and I think you are dealing with it just fine. I think the sale was a good idea and I hope it went well. Glad the weather held out for you.

JulietteBee · June 13

My mom was officially diagnosed in December. As an RN, I diagnosed her at least 4 years ago. I could not get her doctor to take my concerns seriously.

Needless to say, due to other worsening health conditions, a housing decision had to be made last summer. I made it and had her move into an IL facility exactly 1 mile from my house.

To help make her transition easier, I threw her a housewarming party and invited 50 of her nearest and dearest. Of those who did not come, was a friend she considers family. That person has not spoken to me since. I have mentally beat myself up, wondering if I made the right decision AND if my deceased father and my deceased sibling would be pleased/disappointed. A friend of my mom randomly called me one day to tell me that she was proud of me for what I am doing & have done for my mom, inspite of dealing with my own life-threatening disease. Her words made me cry, but they were oh so badly needed to be heard.

Do not let your mom's friend's words cause you another moment of hurt or doubt. Most of the time, people do not know what to say and certainly have no clue what they would do if they found themselves in your situation.

The Estate Sale

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