How to disentangle adult children

Dear AlzWife, taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer's or another dementia is hard. It's hard physically, mentally, and emotionally. The decision to place your DH is one only you can make but I can tell you how it was for me. For months I knew that I needed to place DH in memory care but the though of actually doing it was just too painful. In our case, God took the decision out of my hands. He came down with pneumonia and was too weak to come home. He went straight from the hospital to the MC facility. It broke my heart and I cried more tears that first night than I had ever cried before. In the end though, I knew it was the right decision. My children had been worried about me for months…some close firends were concerned also. Sometimes we can't see the toll caregiving is taking on us until later, after placement. That was the case with me. My health both physical and mental had suffered. I took care of him gladly but it still took a toll.

Now, as to financing MC, I sought the help of a good elderlaw attorney and she was a blessing. She guided me every step of the way in getting him certified for Medicaid. It took a few months and lots of time to gather all the necessary paperwork but it got done with her help.

As to my kids and accepting their dad being placed in MC, my three sons were very supportive and assured me it was the right thing and the best thing for both of us. My daughter had a harder time accepting it even though she knew it was needed. Please do what is best for you and your DH. Only you know how truly hard it is. Your son will be okay. You are a wonderful caregiver and you have done your very best to take care of your DH. Maybe it is time to let others take over that task and allow you to be his wife again and to take a deep breath and feel the relief of stress that you so deeply need.

Brenda

ALZWife, you have all the sympathy I can muster.

I quit working to care for my wife, but I was 72 years old. I could not have done that at your age, and I really agree that you need to get back to work and your son needs to get on with his life.

Looking at it from your husband's point of view, I think he can sit and look out the window of a MC facility as well as from home. He might even be happier there after he adjusts. My wife made friends very quickly when she went to MC. She was there only a month before she passed away and never got over wanting to go home with me, but she was well cared for.

I get it that your younger son won't like his father's placement. He is young to be losing his father, but he is going to have to accept what you decide to do. It's not his life that is being destroyed by his father's disease, and I don't think he gets a vote.

Partners for 30 years may put you in the common-law marriage column.

It may be very difficult for you to find a medicaid bed and it is going to get harder.

You need a plan B. Everyone needs one because you do not know when the shoe is going to drop.

Great that you have a DPOA in place with you as the agent.

and finally for now…some people actually do thrive in MC.

Common law marriage often requires not only living together, but presenting as a married couple, for instance by having the same last name or introducing the partner as "husband" or "wife." It would be worth a trip to a lawyer to find out what rules will apply to your situation. We think going to a lawyer is expensive, but this disease is so very much more so, and the lawyer is a worthwhile investment.

I also suggest visiting memory care facilities starting well before you are seriously considering placement. They are very different from each other, so until you've been to about 4-6 of them you haven't really seen what's out there.

I'm in your same boat. Quit work to take care of DH in what should have been peak earning years. Kids were teens and are now early 20's. They stayed home and moved back home to help form a care compound. It's great having the help. Yesterday I showered DH then DD shampooed the carpet while DS took his dad to McDonald's to get him out of the way as we cleaned. Double incontinence is an ordeal. I appreciate them so much

However, they are giving up the prime time in their lives to strike out on their own, travel, and explore who they are. Placement would free us all from this but care in our area would be 90-120K per year. We are in that horrible spot of too rich for help, too poor to pay out of pocket. I struggle feeling like I am using them for cheap help, but they tell me they want to help care for their dad and make sure I make it through this. But the guilt remains.

I have a plan B. And C,D,E. But I wish for a fast moving cancer to ease him off this road sooner.

4500.00/month is a very low estimate. Prices very by location, but it would be difficult to find this rate in the US

Residential care homes- licensed up to 5 or 6 residents are a less expensive option. You will know the whole staff, if things "disappear" they are usually recoverable.

State inspections are on line in my state- when a new complaint or re-inspection is done I get an email.

Best way to find them - ask the discharge staff at a hospital/skn if your LO is leaving one. Medicaid doesn't cover but a good one can be family cozy .