How to respond?

EMPlz · June 14

A few weeks ago my mom (who has alz and lives in assisted living) had a fit, accused me of starving her, not helping her get food, and treating her badly. She texted my 12yr old that “your mom is treating me like s#^t. I never would have done this to her!” So the next time I was in my mom’s presence I deleted my child’s contact info from her phone.
How do I respond now when my mom says to tell my child to text her to say hello. Or ask for their number to contact them? I do not plan on opening that line of communication again.

SDianeL · June 14

welcome. The best thing is to use fibs. Tell her your child’s phone isn’t working. You’ll check into it. Repeat daily. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which will explain delusions. If she is anxious and agitated ask the doctor to prescribe something for her anxiety. Your Mom has a disease that makes her not be able to reason so talking to her won’t help. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. It’s the disease talking, not your Mom. Hallucinations and delusions are common. I understand it’s hurtful but try not to take it personally. She can’t stop it. To her it’s reality. Caregiver tips say to get in her reality. Fib if you must. 💜

harshedbuzz · June 14

@EMPlz

Ugh. I am sorry you are faced with this. I feel your pain— my dad once told me then middle-school-aged son that I left my kids in a bar when they were little to go have sex and do drugs with some rando I met there".

Why does your mom still have a phone? If she's bad mouthing you to your daughter, she's likely doing the same to other family members who may believe her. Best to shut that down asap. You might be able to shut this down by slipping the phone into airplane mode and disconnecting if from WiFi. Otherwise, tell her it's broken and offer to take it in for repairs.

HB

Anonymousjpl123 · June 14

I’m with @SDianeL and @harshedbuzz : fiblets are key, and it may be time to lose the phone. If that feels too soon, delete any contacts you really don’t want her calling. Tell her it broke, pretend to try to fix it when you visit. Tell her your daughter lost her phone, you took it away, something like that.

I’m so sorry your daughter had to see that. She may understand more than you think, though, these little ones surprise me sometimes. I think she’ll be ok.

As for you, it’s true: the phone is often one of the greatest sources of stress for us caregivers. You will know when it’s time to lose the phone. In my case, my mom called an old neighbor she hadn't seen in 10 years saying she was lost in the middle of nowhere and needed help. it led to some chaos. The phone “stopped working” soon after. I probably let it go on too long.

rplourde50 · June 14

My mom once called 911 because my dad wouldn’t give her a muffin. Of course he talked down the 911 and gave her a healthy snack, instead. By then she’d forgotten about it.

JulietteBee · June 15

I guess I would opt to tell her my child's phone is busted. I do not think I could take away my mom's phone. At this point in her journey, she still has her siblings and a few friends who she is able to call & enjoy her time speaking with them.

Some months ago, I did see where my mom called her tenant's case manager. I don't know if they spoke but upon seeing it in her call log, I immediately deleted the number from her list of contacts. I do not need her trying to terminate the tenant's contract because she believes she will then be able to move back in to her house.

ARIL · June 15

Agree that the fiblet that your child’s phone is broken or lost might work in the immediate moment. But we could also think about what’s behind the question—a desire to be in touch with a grandchild.

I agree that what your mom said was awful, but also that your child will be OK. This could be a teachable moment for the 12-year-old, about what sometimes happens to a person with dementia how the disease causes them to change, etc. Could your child be encouraged to write a short note or card to Grandma that you could take? “Chris’s phone is broken, but here’s something I was asked to bring you.”

I realize this response may lean too far into empathy for where you are right now, but it will be good if in the future this one event won’t define your child’s memory of their grandparent.

Managing relationships is hard enough, and dementia adds a relentless layer of horribleness.

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