One parent diagnosed, one parent…

MimiDIL · June 17

MY MIL has been diagnosed with a very slow progression of Alzheimer’s. She was diagnosed 15 years ago and is just now reaching Stage 4. By the time the evening arrives, you can definitely see a change not only in reasoning/processing but also in personality.

Her husband of the past 40 years is her PCG. He’s a terrific man, and we have always been close. As of late, though, we’re seeing signs of some questionable judgment and denial. For example my MIL cannot cook nor does she drive. However, he leaves her alone for 3-4 hours with the keys to their vehicles readily available. He expects her to remember to take her medicine on time…which is fine since her phone is on alarm to remind her and she recognizes that’s why the alarm is going off. Conversely, it’s not fine since she often loses her phone and her purse where she keeps her medicine. There’s a marked difference when she misses her medicine. She also will eat candy instead of a regular meal if no one is there to fix a sandwich.

He becomes really aggravated with her if he comes home and sees medicine skipped or that she hasn’t eaten lunch. However, from our perspective, her memory of things that happened 15+ years ago is great. Working memory and short-term memory is not great and, at times, poor. We think her temporal perception is fading as she frequently tells us my FIL has left her “overnight” and has misstated where he is. I don’t think she means to lie. I just think in her mind that is her reality as my FIL was a salesperson and would, in the past, leave her for 2-3 days on sales trips.

We don’t know if my FIL is in denial or if he’s experiencing caregiver fatigue. It’s very difficult to offer help as he says things are “fine” when we see hoarding behaviors and other behaviors typical of her stage that seem to be very irritating to him. We’ve also noted marked weight gain since my MIL craves sweets and will eat them to the point where she does not eat more nutritionally sound meals. Again, my FIL does buy lunch meat for simple sandwiches, but he also buys copious amounts of candy and snack cakes.

Currently, most of this stuff is understandable for the two of them (MIL is 80, FIL is 85). But do we just wait for a crisis to happen and hope my FIL needs he needs more hrlp help in caregiving? Both my DH and I are retired and could easily help with cleaning, cooking, getting my MIL out of the house for short excursions…but my FIL has not been particularly receptive to this. He’s okay with once a week visits, but makes excuses for not doing things on a more regular basis. We live an hour apart, so it’s obvious if we just “drop in.”

Has anyone else been down this road?

H1235 · June 17

Are legal documents in place for both of them? Is there a backup DPOA? Does you husband have hipaa rights for your mom? I wonder if he might listen to a doctor regarding some of these concerns. If a doctor were to tell him, you need to watch her take her medication, would he listen? Could you express your concerns to the doctor via patient portal in the hopes that he would point out the problems with these things. I wouldn’t put too much blame on your fil, the doctor is not going to want to get in the middle of family problems ( I understand that’s not the problem). I can relate to the hoarding. It is so hard to know when things have gone too far. Some people are just not cutout for caregiving. They are just not attuned to the needs of others. Do you think he would read anything about dementia in an effort to better care for her? I kind of picture him as set in his ways and unwilling to change. Maybe your husband could have a heart to heart with him about his concerns for his mom. It might be worth looking into a plan b. If/when there is an incident and you need to make some quick decisions it might be nice. Al facilities can have a waiting list, which one do you think is best. what are their finances like? Could they afford Al? Maybe gather some basic knowledge of Medicaid. Your in a tough spot.

Quilting brings calm · June 17

In terms of her spouse, it’s probably a combination of things - denial, complacency, caregiver fatigue, possible physical/cognitive decline of his own. If she’s been on such a slow decline for this many years, it’s sort of like putting a frog in cold water and slowly heating it. The frog doesn’t notice the temps rising until it’s too late. If she’s never bothered the keys, then, he has probably gotten complacent about thinking she will never bother the keys, for example.

Make sure all the legal paperwork is in order, and that you are named as POA or have access to accounts. If he is receptive to it.

Is there grocery delivery service where they are? Offer to order the groceries so he doesn’t have to go get them. Oh, I guess they were out of candy this week… in addition, don’t sweat the small stuff. Maybe stop worrying about some of what she eats at her age

Start checking out senior day care and AL facilities on your own. That way, when a crisis happens, you will be ahead of the ball. Could be her crisis or his. He could end up with a physical situation where he can’t take care of himself for a while, let alone her.

Bluebird · June 17

My niece is going through this with her mom and dad. Her mom is my sister and has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia and is around level 5. Her dad is mentally fine but refuses any help. He also gets angry with my sister for no longer being able to do things or forgetting things. My niece is beside herself worrying about her mom. Unless there is a crisis there isn’t much she can do.

MimiDIL · June 18

All great suggestions…and the answer is…we really don’t know if any documents such as DPOA, HIPPAA, etc. are in place. Again, my FIL has been a great husband and has been generous to all of us. Having said this, he is my husband’s step-father. My husband and I were married eight years before my FIL and MIL were married. He has always treated our children as “true” grandchildren and our relationship has been solid and cordial. My BIL has a different relationship as he is an addict and is active in his addiction. His children have been very responsible. Through circumstances both of these children lived with my MIL and FIL while finishing college.

I want to say no to any and all legal documents other than there is a trust in place. Other than that, the only thing I know is there are no funeral prearrangement plans.

I don’t think my FIL would be open to a discussion about any of this…or he may have assigned them to my niece and nephew. I’m relatively sure no one has attended any physician’s appointments with my MIL and FIL.

H1235 · June 18

Would it help to approach things in a casual sort of way. Saying we have decided to see a lawyer and make some plans for the future since we are getting older, have you and mom done anything like that? Pointing out your mil’s dementia and the urgent need for these things to be addressed may put him off. Could you contact your niece and nephew? If neither of them have the DPOA would they have any better luck getting them to see a lawyer?

One parent diagnosed, one parent…

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