Don’t know how to start, Long Rant Warning!! ⚠️

Karen711 · June 20

Okay, I guess I’ve officially “lost it”! I shouldn’t have, but I did. I flew off the handle and screamed and yelled at DW(stage 5/6) this afternoon. I stormed around the house, upset the dogs, and ended with us each going to our separate “corners”. I was an ass, it was bad!

The ridiculous last straw was DW trying to feed our old dog (with tummy troubles anyway) some food off her plate at dinner. I’d warned her it had onions in it so it would be bad for the dog. She got mad at me and started to lecture on how I should only cook things that the dog could eat also. We have lots of disagreements around food and dogs(certain things just trigger me).

I took her to a movie earlier today which was nice, tried to hold hands at the movie but there was no there there, which hit me pretty hard, but we had a nice time. When we got home she was in an instant bad mood and launched the sundowning kvetching( I have given her Seroquel on occasion but have to sneak it to her- she won’t take it willingly), not wanting to eat what was for dinner, swearing and mumbling complaints under her breath, trying to throw away good food out of the fridge, and generally being very agitated and angry. All par for the course. Still, I lost it.

3 months ago I was able to convince DW to accept a caregiver finally, because I’d had some severe vertigo attacks and was disabled myself (no driving, no cooking) so I offered DW no choice in the matter, I was bad enough even DW could see we needed help.

But even with the caregiver here I have not been able to get the relief I need. Though I could get away while the caregiver is here, I’m still having dizziness issues, also have Lupus which causes fatigue, and am still feeling the effects of a fractured neck and back from a car accident (someone sideswiped me on the freeway) two years ago. I just can’t get back to feeling more myself. So, I’m not quite up for taking that volunteer job I was dreaming about a couple of years ago- as a dream thing I would do if I could get a caregiver. But I think if I don’t get out of the house and get some rest this is gonna kill me.

I understand DWs brain is broken and she can’t help this. I have worked to hone my skills. I have gotten better at my redirecting, i’m a regular deep breather, cry in the bathroom or wherever often, rant to a couple of close friends, have a therapist- all to be a better and long lasting caregiver- but none of this helped me tonight. I just out and out lost it. And of course I feel totally crumby about it and deflated, and feeling like I don’t think I can do this much longer. I keep letting her down.

As I write this all down I think, no one would believe this stuff if it were in a movie! Anyway, this is where I am, exhausted and feeling like a real crumb in Northern California.
Thanks for Listening!!

Karen

charley0419 · June 20

my heart breaks for you , I’m no where near your issue but just take each day and wait. It’s a nitmare

RetaMeta55 · June 20

Please try not to beat yourself up for your outburst. We all have been there at one time or another. I understand what you are going through regarding a pet and a family member with dementia. My husband, despite vet warnings and my warnings he every day over fed the dog to the point our dog was triple his recommended weight. There was a threat by animal control to take our dog away from us. Unfortunately that did not deter him from this behavior. My husband now is in assisted living and our dog has lost the weight When someone with obsessive compulsive and impulsive behaviors with dementia it is hard for them to understand their own behaviors. Go easy on yourself and try to do something for yourself.

CampCarol · June 20

I understand! I had meltdowns much more than I would care to admit. All we can do is pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try to move on. You’re not letting her down…chances are she will not recall the interaction. This disease is debilitating for everyone involved, hopefully you can get some relief soon! Sending a hug 🤗

Palmetto Peg · June 20

I can't imagine doing this work for years without having a meltdown! I did more than once, and I finally realized he needed to go to Memory Care for both of our sakes. I am still stressed, but just having some time away helps me be a more patient and loving spouse. My DH is very difficult, and gets agitated often, and yells at people, bangs his cup on the table at meals, etc. He is medicated enough to keep him from hitting people, but his behavior still leaves a lot to be desired. I was so close to breaking down and just didn't realize it until I got away from the situation a little bit. We know how you are feeling - and you have physical issues in addition to what is going on with your DW. Consider a placement if there is any way you can afford it before something happens to you! We are here for all venting! (((HUGS))).

midge333 · June 20

We all have our limits and it sounds like you are reaching yours. Caregiving is hard, even if the caregiver is perfectly healthy. You have your own health issues which impact your caregiving capabilities. I would strongly consider placing your DW in MC if it is financially feasible because things will only get harder from here on out. Please be kind to yourself.

BPS · June 20

We can be so patient and caring and think we are letting things go but they build up and then the straw that broke the camels back and it all dumps out, and there is always some things that especially push our buttons. Different things for each of us and they may even be small things but they are there. My wife is in MC and there are still certain thing that she will say or do that really gets to me, but I can get away before I say to much. We all have our limits on things. You lost it once and you will lose it again. All we can do is our best.

trottingalong · June 20

Yep, I think of myself as a very patient person overall. Then along comes the impatient, fed up part of me that shows up unexpectedly. Takes me by surprise and causes my husband to react worse. And then guilt and apologizing sets in. At least now he rarely remembers what happened. I have to protect our two dogs as well from being given food they should not have. Now I have healthy treats I will bring to my husband when he’s trying to give them food off his plate, telling him they like “this” so much more. So far that has worked.

jfkoc · June 20

I do not know where the idea came from that we were supposed to provide a totally calm environment for our loved ones. Where did the idea come from that our loved ones must be content and happy at all costs.

Certainly there is a general rule not to be mean but being upset sometimes will always be on the table in my opinion. Our loved one need not know the upset is because of them…just blame something else…have them join in throwing pillows around and stomping ones feet.

Marla13 · June 20

We have all had bad days where we just let loose on our loved ones. It happens to me more than I would like to admit. Just know that we all understand and that you can come here to vent as much and as often as you need to. It helps to get it off our chests. Sending a big hug to you.

dayn2nite2 · June 20

I am sorry. The thing is, she cannot change, so you will have to. I think if there are continued issues with the dogs you will need to make a choice. Perhaps they need to be rehomed, or maybe if she's always feeding them people food, then yes - you should be cooking things that they can ingest also, instead of expecting that she will listen to you.

Ultimately, you may decide that placement for her may save your sanity and allow you to keep the dogs, but that depends on your finances.

Iris L. · June 20

You are trying too much. Dial back. Readjust your expectations. Learn to be proactive not reactive. This does make a difference.

Iris

CindyBum · June 20

Oh, sweetie. I think we've all been there. I, for certain, have been there. I find myself occasionally in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror and saying, "What in the world are you doing? She can't help it and this outburst will do no good at all."

I also wonder how you can use the caregiver time. I had to work at discovering what is the best deal for me with a caregiver. I found a spot on my property where my DW can't see me if I stick around when the caregiver is here. I put a chair and blanket out there when I don't want to drive anywhere to get a break. I just sit and read or sit and stare. I often move my car down the street so she thinks I've left, so she won't come trying to find me. Any chance for you to do something like that?

It took me a while to find the ways I could let go while the caregiver is here. I was sometimes coming back early or trying to do too much when she is around. Now I'm much more focused on quiet time for me alone. Walks. Sitting and doing nothing. Going to a lunch by myself, etc. My need for quiet, no questions, no demands, no responsibilities has grown each year of this awful journey.

And, if there's any way you could get away from you DW for a few days…totally alone. I just returned from an entire week away and feel like a totally different person. I am a much better caregiver and spouse since my return. It was luxurious to be away for 6 days. Respite is the only thing that's going to save me and also allow my DW to be at home longer.

Hang in there…and forgive yourself. xoxo

annie51 · June 20

As others have said, we all have meltdowns - some more than others. Just as our LO’s have triggers, we caregivers do too. I will have crying fits that I can’t hide from DH, as much as I try. It’s so hard to keep this up. For those of you who can keep calm through it all, I applaud you!

Russinator · June 20

It's happened to a few times also.

((HUGS))

H1235 · 12:21AM

I feel for you! I do have a couple of ideas. You mentioned she doesn’t like to take seroquel. It’s my understanding this needs to be taken consistently to really be effective. Could you tell her its a vitamin the doctor wants her to take? Maybe even go so far as to tell her her x levels are low and she needs it. I also wonder about going to the movies. Is that maybe too much for her ( I’m not judging)? The big screen may be overwhelming and following the plot may be difficult and confusing. As far as the dog goes could you put the dog in a different room during mealtimes? Maybe these ideas don’t make any sense, and it definitely doesn’t help with you being over worked and on edge. I hope you can find some way to ease your stress.

Lilydaisy · 1:04AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73329/don-t-know-how-to-start-long-rant-warning-%EF%B8%8F

I can feel your disappointment and sadness. Real life is hard. And it is harder when you are not fully healthy, and even harder still with a spouse with dementia. So don't beat yourself up. Promise to try harder next time but understand that it may not work. It could be time for both of you with a MC placement, though I understand it is a real financial burden and not always practical if a long stay might be needed. None of us has the one answer for all of these challenges. All we can do is offer support.

Karen711 · 6:15AM

Long Thank You Alert😊⚠️

Wow, thanks everyone of you who were able to reply to my post. Today was a better day, and we both picked up on a different, more positive note. You were right Carol, she didn’t remember what happened, such an ironic blessing. And the day ended well too! I really appreciate the hugs and support, I know I’m not alone in experiencing this but each of you sharing your personal “taste” of it really helps me not feel so alone in it. And thank you for some truly useful suggestions! Cindy, hearing that it took you some time and figuring to maximize your benefit from the caregiver gave me a good kick in the rear to get creative with the possibilities. Thanks! Also some great ideas on dog management; alternate treats, putting them in the other room (might get some grief about that). Cooking with the dogs in mind would be the wise thing to do and really not that hard (but sorta blah). The meal we were enjoying was prepared by our Salvadoran caregiver who loves to cook, and getting back to how to best benefit from a caregiver, her meal prep, when she can do it, is a huge help to me. I can just see her expression now when I ask her to consider the doggie health in her food prep :)). But actually, she’s a dog person so she’d probably get it. On the Seroquel subject, I’ve wondered about the “as needed” use of it as well H1235, even though our doctor told me it was ok to give it that way. I’m sure it must be more effective to use it daily! The few times I have used it (crushed and hidden in ice cream), it was too late to be the intervention we really needed. So I think you’re right, a ploy with the doctor for a new rx for something or other is a good idea! Jfkoc- many times I have pondered your questioning of “the idea … that our loved ones must be content and happy at all costs.” Of course we all want that for our loved ones! But also we are all faced with the difficult to accomplish reality that caring for them HAS to include caring for ourselves. Adjust expectations and attitudes, a must, but I agree jfkoc that selflessness, or self sacrifice just won’t get the job done since it inevitably leads to the destruction of the caregiver. And then where would we all be. We have to somehow give ourselves space and permission to have and express our own feelings. And to find a way to rest.
Thank you all again for your great suggestions, support, and hugs!!!

🙏🏽Hugs Back to You All!

Karen

Don’t know how to start, Long Rant Warning!! ⚠️

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