Mom needs almost constant support

Txrmom92 · June 21

79-year-old mom lives in intermediate memory care unit within AL facility. She is very outgoing and has a good friend in AL. She is able to interact with people in AL and participate in their activities. She does not seem to enjoy most of the activities, however, or refuses to try them. But then she gets bored and doesn’t know what to do with herself. So then she gets mad and calls one of her kids. She blames everything on how bad the facility is and doesn’t seem to be aware that the issue is her memory. My sister feels like we need to have things scheduled for her every day to occupy her time, or entertain her. However, my sister works full time. I’m retired but live 2-3 hours away. Do we need to hire a private companion to entertain her? Should the facility be doing a better job of trying to engage and direct her? We’re tired of getting multiple phone calls a day where she is crying or screaming that she hates it there and feels trapped, and wanting to know when we’re coming to visit. We feel helpless.

JulietteBee · June 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73339/mom-needs-almost-constant-support

I am so sorry to hear of the distressing phone calls you receive daily from your mom.

I'd like to ask if her AL facility has a newsletter or community app that family can have access to information.

My dm was officially diagnosed in December. However, the evidence was clearly visible for at least the past 4 years. I thankfully got her convinced in September that her living arrangements, as a widow in a 2000 sqft house was no longer wise.

I found her an IL facility 1 mile away from my house. As communal living was all brand new to her, it took a lot of adjustments. One thing that was difficult for her was participation in the provided activities.

As far as the app/newsletter, I have access to their day's happening. I make it my duty to write long txt messages to her, scheduling them to get to her EVERY morning around 7:30A. In those msgs, I tell her what activities I think she will enjoy and suggests she goes down for some fun and fellowship.

It is now 10 months she has been there. I no longer get daily calls that she feels like she is in prison, she has no friends, and she wants to go back to her house.

She has made friends and have experienced a lot of new things she otherwise would not have sought out, had it not been for my daily messages.

She has learned beading. She is learning how to watercolor. She has learned how to play billiards and Wii Bowling. She is in a walking group. She attends a weekly concert. When a day's inhouse activities do not hold her attention, she goes on their bus to shop or bank or eat. Though she doesn't acknowledge the changes, I can categorically say that she is happy and well adjusted. She has become a social butterfly and is thriving.

See if you can get access to your mom's facility's calendar of events and you pick out the activities and suggests them to her.

I follow up by asking my mom, "So, did you enjoy xyz?" Like a child, she then tells me how many were in attendance, what they did, and if I am not planning to visit that day, she will show me her creation by holding them up in front of the Ring camera for me to see.

SDianeL · June 22

Welcome. I would speak to the person at the facility in charge of activities. See if there is a way to encourage her or find out why she isn’t attending. Are the activities for both AL and MC or separate. You could also ask the nurses and aides. Many facilities have care meetings for each patient. I could participate in person or via phone. They need to find out if she can’t do the activities or just doesn’t like the activities they are offering. Maybe she would like coloring books? Many people on this forum have had to “disappear” their loved one’s phones. Many start by just not answering and let the call go to voice mail and call her back once a day, if anything happens the facility will call. If that doesn’t work you may have to take the phone away. As she progresses she will be unable to use a phone anyway. Let the nurses know what you’re planning if you decide to do that. Her feelings may be caused by depression or anxiety which is common in people with dementia. Talk to the doctor to have her evaluated to see if medications will help. Come here often for info and support.

Mom needs almost constant support

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