Just needing support

hjav23 · June 25

Hello everyone I'm new here, and figured it is time to build a community of support with people who are or who have been where I am. My dad was diagnosed with dementia this past year, although I am sure he has had it longer than that. I left my job for a more flexible one since he is getting combative with my mom. I am doing my best to keep them separated. In our culture (filipino)
we do not put our parents in homes. I do have a separate living quarters for my dad and he does not have the code to my house. I have recently taken his keys from him and he is getting so angry with me. Everyday I have to tell him over and over again he cannot have the keys. He does not listen to reason, and we have had several other people step in. He seems to listen to his sister, but who knows if he will remember what was discussed with her. I feel so sad and alone. I don't know this man. This is not my dad. I do not want to resent him for how he is. I know that he is sick, but I also cannot allow my kids to grow up in an environment where someone is violent towards their grandma or potentially me. I cannot afford to put him in a home. He goes to the doctor tomorrow and has been prescribed something to keep him calm which he just started taking today. I don't feel like my husband understands that I carry a lot more weight directly having to deal with things, and it's just a lot/whole other issue. I am so sad, and I feel so alone.

Gabby32504 · June 25

I am so sorry that you are feeling alone and overwhelmed. I just joined this group a few minutes ago because I feel the same!! I am also a caretaker of a parent (Mom) with dementia. I'm fortunate that she is not combative or angry. But please know you are not alone in your feelings of being overwhelmed. And I never want my mom to have to go into assisted living if I can help it!!!
The stresses you and I feel are very real. I also feel my family members have no idea what I'm dealing with in caring for our mom in this stage. It's pretty isolating, I know. But you are not alone!!

JulietteBee · June 25

I send hugs to you both. 🫂 Please remind yourselves that your support system can sometimes be found online. Unless others have had to be the caretaker of a loved one with this vile disease, they have no clue. 🌹

Lesley Nammar · June 25

Hugs and prayers to you. This is a very sad disease. Going on 5 years dealing with this with my husband. I try to redirect the conversation to something completely different. Walk outside and take deep breaths. My husband started escitalopram that is helping with his anxiety and outbursts. He is calmer now. Maybe get him some keys that don’t go to anything just for him to feel that he has his keys? My husband occasionally wants to drive and I always say let me drive since I know where we are going, or, “ honey, you have always done the driving now you get to relax and I will drive”. We have to get creative! Good luck and I hope to hear from you soon and pray for peace, strength and comfort for you.

harshedbuzz · June 26

@hjav23

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for the reason you are here, but pleased you found this place.

This is a very difficult situation. And complicated. Are you and your family in the U.S.? Does your husband share your cultural norms?

It can be difficult when trying to maintain the cultural standard of one's familial origin in a place that does things differently. Perhaps in the Philippines it is more feasible to care for LOs in the home for some reason. Perhaps family sizes and proximity there offer more people available and ready to assist or maybe the cost of hiring good care providers is within the grasp of most people financially.

Maybe the cultural expectation that your "people" don't make use of care facilities does not translate to reality. I have a dear friend who identifies very strongly as Italian-American and would say that "her people" (the term she uses) revere their elderly/disabled and would never consider placement. She doesn't understand why I don't move my mom (who is just old; she doesn't have dementia) in with me to save me the drive between our two homes. She grew up with Nonna and a disabled uncle as part of her household which was not unusual in her community. And yet, both Nonna and later her mom went to live in SNFs when their care, while possible, was not logistically feasible at home. She skips over that part.

If you and your DH are bridging cultures, this could be challenging for your marriage as he may feel he and your children should come first. It can be hard to find a balance between keeping parents safe and cared for and raising children and nurturing a marriage.

I found these two statements to present a paradox. You lead with the statement "In our culture (filipino) we do not put our parents in homes." And then you follow with "I feel so sad and alone. I don't know this man. This is not my dad." Many of us feel like this.

For those who do choose a MCF for their parent, there is always grief and a sense of guilt it seems. For me, whenever faced with placing a restriction on dad for his and mom's safety it helped me to remember that dementia was what was taking away his driving privileges or the autonomy to make his own decisions about where to live, not me.

I wish you luck going forward.

HB

H1235 · 12:34PM

Welcome. In my experience medication can take a while to be effective. I believe it is also started at a low dose and the increased after several weeks if needed. If the medication is not effective and a new one is given the dose would need to be slowly decreased, then stopped before the new medication could be started. I have found it to be a very long process. Many with dementia have anosognosia. It is the inability to recognize their own symptoms. Bringing up these symptoms or pointing out he can’t do something can cause a lot of anxiety and anger for him. Work arounds like a random set of keys for him or fibs about the car needing repairs may avoid some of that anger. It is a different way of approaching things and it can definitely take some time to get used to and some creativity. Good luck

Just needing support

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