She walked out

heythere · June 27

Tonight she packed a bag and went to stay at her daughters. I am hoping this is the beginning of our “official separation” and that she will go into assisted living. I’ve known for sometime that this is what I’ve wanted, but did not have the courage to have the necessary conversation or take the necessary action. Nevertheless, her intuition clearly picked up on my wish to separate and in her anger and hurt she took action. I now need to make it clear to her, as well as her daughters, that her leaving is not a temporary thing but rather permanent and that she is no longer welcome, and our relationship as a couple is over. But how to have this very difficult conversation with kindness and compassion? I’ll continue to manage all our (I mean hers’ as there is no longer an “ours”) finances. But essentially will handover all other caregiver duties to her children. Any and all tips and or suggestions on how to proceed would be gratefully appreciated.

ARIL · June 27

You are in a realm in which I have no direct experience, so I’ll leave it to others to make suggestions about “the talk.”

I do have tangential experience with challenging marital relationships and dementia, though, so I’ll state the obvious: you need to consult a lawyer, and so does your wife, separately. For her, she will immediately need a DPOA, appointing someone other than you, and her children will need HIPAA access at doctors, hospitals, etc.

If I were the presumptive DPOA (maybe the daughter?), I would absolutely expect to gain direct control of all of her finances, so I could pay for and manage her care without having to appeal to you to pay bills, etc. You can see that this is reasonable. So if I were you, I would expect this and try to assist calmly.

Other people have written in to this forum about alimony and other things that are negotiated in a divorce settlement.

You and she need legal representation.

Quilting brings calm · June 27

I think you are a while away from being done managing her needs. Until you actually go to court and legally separate, you are her next of kin, not her daughters. You are the one legally responsible for her care. That doesn’t mean she lives with you, but you will be considered her advocate. So you will be the one responsible for getting her into an assisted living facility.

Iris L. · June 27

Have you confirmed that she is at her daughter's place? Many PWD pack their bags and wander away, but they don't know where they're going. If she has a dementia diagnosis, she needs supervision and protection.

Iris

SDianeL · June 29

was she diagnosed with Dementia? If so you can’t make anything clear to her. Neither does she understand time. She won’t understand temporary vs permanent. The disease prevents her from doing so. She also won’t understand any attempts at being kind or compassionate. Her reasoner is broken. As others have mentioned, I would make an appointment with an attorney immediately. I think you are still responsible for her until the proper paperwork is completed. That’s the conversation that I would have with her daughter immediately. Her daughter also needs to see an attorney if she assumes the care of her Mom. She needs DPOA and HIPPA at least.

weareallunique · June 30

If you are legally married, aware she is in need of oversight and care and seem to have brushed your hands of her, except for managing her money ,you may be skirting elder abuse charges.

Agree with above, you need legal advise ASAP. She'll need a lawyer to protect her interests also.

Idle thought, do you think she would have wanted you gone- gone from her life if roles were reversed? Makes me sad to see a "best friends for 10 years marriage" end . But it is what it is.

Don't forget to update your legal documents since you are heading to single town.

She walked out

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