Alcohol
Comments
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Welcome. My mom is mid stage and there is no way she should drive. Somewhere on here I read that if someone is in an accident and has a dementia diagnosis their insurance may not cover it. This might be worth looking into. I think I would also ask the doctor his opinion on the driving. Driving is about more than just not getting lost. Reaction time is very important! It might be best to slip the doctor a note with a question about driving. People with dementia tend to get upset if anyone questions their ability to do something. There will NEVER come a time when he tells you, it’s not safe for me to drive anymore here are the keys. I know driving was not part of your original concern, but if he is not driving I assume it might be easier to regulate the drinking as well. I hope you can find a solution.
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This is tough. Can you stay "almost out" of alcohol? Empty the bottle except one or two servings and when he complains we're out you can promise to get more tomorrow—then refill the little bit figuring he'll forget we ran out yesterday?
Or perhaps "get some" on your way home each day, that you then "run out of" that evening so he's not drinking during the day?
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@RLT
Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.
Alcohol can be a real problem with dementia. Judgment and short-term memory are already impaired by the disease, alcohol exacerbates both issues profoundly. Add in access to a vehicle and this is a disaster in the making.
If he's drinking for entertainment, perhaps a day program would suit him if you're not home regularly during the day to keep him engaged.
HB2 -
My DH still drives too. And he likes whiskey. He doesn't understand that it effects his differently than it used to. He still doesn't acknowledge that he has any memory issues either. It's definitely harder to control the problem when they are still independent enough to drive. I know that day will be devastating for him, but it's coming.
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I have the same problem as well but with wine. He really does not realize how much he is drinking even when he goes to the refrigerator to get a glass of wine and the bottle is half empty. He will argue with me saying it was not him who drank it. I have resorted to replacing his wine with non alcoholic wine. I pour out the alcoholic stuff and replace with non alcoholic wine. I have to do it when he takes the dog for a walk because he will see me doing it. As we all know, he is my shadow so no private time. I tried to just switching it out and put the non alcoholic wine bottle in the refrigerator. It took a couple of bottles but he caught on and refused to drink it. If it is in a regular bottle he doesnt know the difference. H
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Stpierre, your LO has anosognosia. This is a characteristic of dementia that keeps the PWD from being aware that he has dementia. Anosognosia is different from denial. You will have to learn new ways of communicating, which the members will teach you.
Iris
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I'm with Belle60, and have been majorly watering down my DW's gin for over a year now and she has no clue.
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I hadn't thought of it that way. This is helpful and I will be looking into it this evening while "watching tv" with him.
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My LO, 86 with mid stage 3-4 Alzheimer’s was exactly the same 🤦♀️we had 2 cars so I sold his car after he got lost in the rain and got confused.. The other car is mine so I told him he cannot drive my car due to insurance. After he was diagnosed he was mandated to take a driving test by DMV. California mandates doctors to report diagnosed dementia. He drove himself to the DMV, got lost and confused. But after I told him the way, I have a tracker on his phone, he passed the driver test! In December he has to take the written and driving, I’m sue he won’t pass.
Alcohol has continued to be an issue. Sadly there no reasoning with someone slowly having their brain cells deteriorate. I’ve tried non alcoholic , water down, throwing a fit, finally I told him I can’t be his wife and mother, so choose🤪he doesn’t realize how badly alcohol affects everything! Now I monitor his drinking , hate that, and maybe a small glass of wine with dinner. Problem is when I’m gone I don’t know what he drinks, neither does he. At least there’s no car for him to drive! Eventually I will remove all alcoholic beverages from the house. We both do better without throwing in the alcohol! One day at a time, and I’m 81, not sure how much longer I want to drive🤷♀️Sandi0 -
He went for a driving test in November and passed. He is capable of driving, especially in his own truck which is familiar to him. I don't let him drive mine. He gets nervous and confused. My concern is if something out of the ordinary happens while he's driving such as a detour or if someone cuts him off. Will that make him nervous and confused? I know losing his license would devastate him. I can't be the one to take it away. I'm his comfort and his rock.
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I've always said he's in denial, but someone mentioned Anosognosia to me this morning. It's not so much that he's denying it, but rather that he can't comprehend that there is an issue. Not sure if I'm explaining that well, but I think I understand it now.
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I had to start working a hybrid workday. In the office till noon and then home for the remainder. He's so lonely and "down" when I'm at work. I'm fortunate that I work for a company that has made this accommodation for me.
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That's a good thing, because alcohol makes depression worse and makes dementia worse. While you're there, your doctor should tell him to stop driving, because he has no business doing so even if he stops drinking. Dementia only worsens, and he is a greater hazard on the road with every passing day. I suggest you communicate this to his PCP before you see him, so he can tell your husband and you can blame his need to stop driving on the doctor.
My wife stopped driving when she was diagnosed with dementia. She had worked in the insurance industry long enough to know that she would be blamed for any collision, regardless of the circumstances, because the courts would hold that an unimpaired person could have avoided the accident even if someone else caused it.
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@Stpierre993
Cobbling onto what Carl mentioned, dad's auto policy was automatically void if the person driving had a dementia diagnosis in their medical record or a is driving AMA. You need to check into that.
Related to the courts— my mom (no dementia) has some vision issues and when I asked her ophthalmologists (she has 2— one for each eye condition) about her driving we were given the local, familiar roads, daytime only advice. She had 2 accidents within 60 days in which she rear-ended another vehicle at a light. In the second accident she was sued. Her insurance stepped up and provided coverage for the event and representation but the process from accident to depositions to actual court date was a little over 2 years. Mom's "just" old, but in the time that passed she'd had some serious medical issues (hearing loss, progressive vision loss and heart failure) and presented as much older and frailer that she was at the time of the accident.
I point this out because dementia is progressive and in the event he went to court, by the actual trial date, he'd be a very different person than the one who caused the accident. Were it dad in an accident the day of his diagnosis, rather than mom, he'd have been dead, and they'd be after his estate.
HB2 -
Thank you EVERYONE for your comments and support. I too recently discovered I could buy zero-alcohol spirits and have diluted what we keep in the house 75% zero-alcohol rum and 25% regular rum.
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Driving is a real issue. My wife had two small accidents in a short time. Luckily they were small and no one was hurt. I thought that she was ok to drive. I rode with her and everything seemed ok, but her depth perception had been affected so when she had to react quickly she misjudged. In our case the insurance company canceled our insurance and I had to show that she no longer had a license to get reinsured. My real point is that even if they seem ok small judgment issue can be life threatening. in our case it was only the car fender but it could have been so much worse. Now I think the time to stop driving is when there is a need for a diagnosis. If they didn't have issues you would not see a reason to be checked. If they need to be tested due to problems they should not be driving. I didn't do it this way but when I think about what could have happened after I knew there was a problem I realize the risk I was taking and putting other in. I think (and did) we ask to often instead of stating something as fact. Most of the time when I said this is what has to happen she went along with it but when I asked she was more likely to say no or argue that includes everything from showers on. It doesn't work all the time for sure.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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