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Dad in nursing home

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Mav2126
Mav2126 Member Posts: 28
10 Comments 5 Likes 5 Care Reactions
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in Caring for a Parent

My Dad is in a nursing home for physical reasons and some dementia. He has started to settle down and doesn't call me 20-30 times a day anymore maybe just 5-10 calls. He keeps asking why am I here and I am tired of explaining it. I have had to harden my heart a little just to create some emotional boundaries between me and him. Which makes me very sad as I just love my Dad so much. And my love tears me apart when I see him in distress like he is now.

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  • psg712
    psg712 Member Posts: 538
    500 Comments 100 Care Reactions 100 Likes 25 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member

    Mav, I understand that feeling of needing to "harden your heart." You are not mean or uncaring. You are doing your best to help a parent who can no longer care for himself or understand his own needs. At the same time, you have to find a way to survive emotionally yourself and be available for other relationships and responsibilities in your life.

    It hurts, no matter where your loved one lives or how they react to you. You are grieving the person they used to be and the bond you once shared. Give yourself some grace and some space. It's OK not to see or speak with him every single day. Take a break when you need it. Remember he loves you, and in his right mind he would want you to tend to your needs too.

  • sandwichone123
    sandwichone123 Member Posts: 1,023
    1000 Comments 250 Likes Fourth Anniversary 100 Care Reactions
    Member

    Trying to explain will make you both upset. Find a story that works for him, and use that every time. Some people have had success with "for rehab," which can work since he has some health problems, or "until the doctor says you're better." That will also give him the space he needs to make relationships and join activities where he currently is.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 1,840
    500 Insightfuls Reactions 500 Likes 1000 Comments 500 Care Reactions
    Member

    So sorry. Let the calls go to voice mail and call him once a day. I also would blame the doctor and say he can go home when the doctor says so. It’s OK to fib to him. It’s the caring thing to do to keep him from being anxious. To people with dementia home is sometimes not a place but a feeling. Even those that still live in their homes say they want to go home.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

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