Boyfriend with early stage

LindaMay1971 · July 12

I've been with my partner for 35 years although we don't live together. He had short term memory loss and recently has been very irritable. He threatened to cut off all communication and is very touchy and hard to reach. I'm finally facing that the changes may be cognitive. Fortunately we have all our POA's, wills etc in place but I'm looking at a long road here. For me, walking away is not an option. God bless you! 😘

BPS · July 12

Is his family aware of his condition and are they supportive? Since you don't live with him and he has threatened to cut off all communication it is important to have back up plus there is a time coming when he will not be able to live alone. Are you POA's durable DPOA's, and you will need to change yours to someone else because he won't be able to fulfill that duty.

JulietteBee · July 13

I was born with a genetic, life-threatening disease. Throughout my dating life, I thought boys were selfish and self-centered as they were not interested in dating or marrying a "sick chick."

When I met my husband, my then boyfriend, I told him EVERYTHING about my health and my anticipated short lifespan. I think I wanted to scare him away before he had the chance to reject me, like the others had done.

He listened. He did his own research. He ultimately decided to marry me and fulfill the "till death do you part" for whatever length of time I would have.

Based on my personal history, I believe that if I were in your situation, I would stay the course. Obviously I did not have Dementia, but when someone is ill, whether inherited or acquired, they deserve a chance at being loved.

I would suggest that IF you decide to stay, make sure not to enter into that lifelong commitment naively or with rose-colored glasses. Do not seek to alter yours/his reality. Do the research. Talk to those in the know. Seek legal counsel. Get family buy-in for caregiving needs. In other words, seek to know EXACTLY what you are entering upon.

As stated about, with this disease, short term memory is the first to go. Sadly, you may be among the first people he forgets. Think that through. Play it out in your mind. Explore your inner thoughts. Be honest with yourself! Do you see your future self? If so, how is she feeling about him and their relationship then?

Also, as the relationship changes from your being lovers & best friends, to you being his nurse & caretaker, is your future self resentful, regretful, or is she honored to have been able to care for the love of her life without the need for any gratitude or acknowledment?

I just wanted to give you a bit more food for thought. Trust your gut! I know you will make the decision that is best for YOU. Hugs and God bless!🫂🙏🏼

weareallunique · July 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/247917#Comment_247917

Hi LindaMay1971 - while you may have seen aging together in separate homes as your partnership going forward - if his changes are cognitive that changes the landscape- he will need 24/7 oversight - not you available by phone or camera but in person daily at some point.

Can't do that from your home - so you'd be looking at arranging care coverage in his home or placement. Expensive and time consuming to manage .

Also, he would need his finances protected - are you managing his money now? The stage he is in irritable , touchy - makes him malleable if a scammer gets ahold of him.

This is assuming he does have a progressive dementia — and there are other diseases that should be ruled out that can be treated or cured— do you hold his healthcare proxy- do you have any sway in getting him into a doctor - if it is a silent UTI that can cause havoc mentally.

I suggest you have your documents redone now naming someone other than him to be in place if you need care and estate management in the future .

The attorney can also advise you how to proceed if you want to step in for him and if the documents aren't adequate how guardianship would work in your state . His assets and family situation [siblings, adult children etc] can be discussed then also. Then you can decide if you want to accept the job of being his non-resident caregiver for the next 0-20 years going forward .

MAW5 · July 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/242831#Comment_242831

I have contacted his daughter who is aware of his early stage dementia and confusion at times. She is his poa but at this point he pays his own bills, sets up his own meds, able to drive still very well as I have been with him several times. He plays golf, is very active, but does get mixed up on dates. I am not responsible for his money or medications. He relies on his phone for appointments and his daughter goes with him at his dr appointments. If I didn't love this man it would be easier to walk away as I have been advised to do. I am not going into a caregiver role, still in a g/f role. If that makes sense,

weareallunique · July 14

https://alzconnected.org/profile/MAW5

"[he is] able to drive still very well as I have been with him several times."

Suggest you always drive when you go out with him . A car accident can take months or years to settle , in or out of court— by then he may not remember he was even in it, or invent ever changing ways it happened so he wouldn't be able to defend himself. Visual distortions caused by brain decay can be part of the disease process too.

Since you are aware he has issues you don't want to be named as partially responsible as the other parties go looking for pockets of money to attack.

Boyfriend with early stage

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories