Got a gut punch yesterday

SiberianIris · July 29

Yesterday, I visited my mom at her AL facility. I took her to lunch and to the grocery store. We had a great time.

As I wrote in another post, she is scheduled to move to memory care next week. As we walked up and down (all of) the aisles, I was thinking this was probably the last time we'd do this. She is still mobile but walks unassisted with short shuffling steps. Pushing the grocery cart, she walks almost normally. She refuses to use a walker, because she thinks those are for old people. (She is 96.)

Compared to just 2 weeks ago, when I took her to the grocery store, she had more trouble navigating the cart this time and kept pushing it to the right and would bump into things. As we were making our way to the checkout, she pointed to the lane closest to the door and said "I want to go in this lane because the lady there always helps me." Mom introduces me as her daughter and thanks the cashier for always being so nice to her. (I am so thankful for people like this who are so patient and kind with my mom.)

After I got home, (I live 90 miles away), I called her as I always do to let her know I made it home. Now for the gut punch - she asked me "Weren't you supposed to come see me today?" 😧

Not wanting to be mean and bring her back to my reality, I asked her who she went to lunch and the grocery store with. She paused and said "I think I went by myself." I let it go and said I loved her and would see her soon. Meanwhile I was thinking about how the dementia mind works. How interesting her perception was that she went by herself. (I guess I'm pretty boring 🙂)

I reviewed the DBAT and can see that she is now early stage 6. Stage 5 lasted just 6 months.

H1235 · July 29

Sorry! We brought my mil some pop at her Al. We had a nice visit. As we leave she sees the pop on the table and tells us she just got back from the store. I couldn’t understand why she would say this. Here is how it was explained to me. She sees the pop but her brain can’t connect where it came from so the brain connects it to a different instance , that she just got back from the store. She even commented on the store being busy. She did not make an assumption, wires in her brain got crossed. Im not sure I did a very good job explaining. I wonder if what you experienced with your mom was something similar. She see the groceries and her brain just tells her she went by herself, because that is what she has always done and thats the way the wires in her brain crossed.

lisn2cats · July 29

I am still learning how to respond when my mom's wires get crossed like this - I am inspired by both of you. I need to remain calm, gently inquisitive, and let it go, which is so against my nature! Before moving into AL, my mom would almost always forget that I, or her friends, just visited her and would either accuse us of abandoning her, not being where we were supposed to be, making her miss appointments, etc. Many times it would spiral into a nasty, accusatory, tone. Other times, she would forget one of us took her shopping or to the doctor's, and she'd see something and say she had to take a taxi by herself because we forgot her. I asked her once how she got her groceries in the house and put away and she told me the handyman was so nice and did it for her (we don't have a handyman).

I'm trying to learn not to correct her every time and just let it go but it's so haaaard sometimes!

harshedbuzz · July 29

@SiberianIris

I'm sorry for the gut-punch, although it does serve to remind you that the decision to move her to an enhanced level of care is a good one.

I think H1235's explanation is what you're seeing.

My friend's older brother had vascular dementia diagnosed after a stroke. She visited him an hour's drive away and brought him a batch of his favorite cookies from their mm's recipe. When his wife came to the SNF after work that day, she saw the cookies and used their presence as a prompt to ask how his visit with his little sister went. He replied "She never visits me." (she was newly retired and came at least once every other week) His wife asked, "who else would have brought these cookies for you?" and he said "I baked them myself".

HB

JulietteBee · July 30

@lisn2cats

I am right there with you! Someone on here posted the D.A.R.E method they use. I am trying not only to commit it to memory, but also practice it in my every day life with my PWD.

Do NOT Argue, React, Engage!!!

I pray I'll learn soon enough so my relationship with my mom does not become severed during this, the worse period of her entire life.💔

psg712 · July 31

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73619/got-a-gut-punch-yesterday

Hugs for you. I've had several of those gut punches along the way. They hurt.

Try to embrace those good times together in the moment. The shopping trip was meaningful to your mom at the time she experienced it, even if she didn't remember it accurately later. You are doing a great job of loving her.

Anonymousjpl123 · July 31

These gut punches really sting. It doesn’t matter what we know intellectually. It is a jarring, disorienting feeling to see your LO lose their sense of time and place. Kudos to you for making this time a priority. 90 minutes is not a short drive and agree totally with @psg712 she doesn’t know you’re there, but she knows you’re there. At least that’s what I think.

Got a gut punch yesterday

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