Dealing with my feelings of resentment

wor913 · August 5

I'm married to a man who was verbally abusive to me during the first 10-15 years of our marriage. When I tried to leave, he begged me to stay. I regret staying, expecially because of my children. We've now been married 40 years and we really don't have what I would call a close relationship. I had to pull away when he was being abusive (verbally). Now he has Alzheimer's and I'm trying NOT to be resentful of having to care for him. It's so darn hard. He still has good life skills but memory is bad and having a meaningful conversation is frustrating and impossible. Everyone thinks he was such a good guy…but they never had to hide from him in the bushes in the back yard with kids. I'm not a mean or vindictive woman but memories of those awful times creep in and out. I can't find any support groups in our area. Believe me I've tried. Anyone else harbor resentful feelings? Feels better to get this out!

RetaMeta55 · August 5

I know resentment all too well. Our whole marriage he never work, he was a Mr. Know it all, a hoarder etc. We have been married for 21 years. God knows why I didn’t kick him out. A year into his dementia diagnosis he became paranoid with delusions of infidelity, anger, agitation, verbally abusive, threaten to shoot me, pushed me etc. I got him place in a Geri psych unit and from there an ALF. I am seeing a psych nurse practitioner and am in therapy. I’m in a better much better place than I was.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Dementia is hard and it is harder when we are mistreated. Therapy is helping me a lot. Maybe consider this for yourself. It is too bad there is no support group close by but, at least you have us. Try contacting your local department of aging and speak to a social worker from adult protective services. They can help you with some resources in your area. I am trying to get palliative care for my husband. That service can start at any point in the dementia process. The service offers caregivers support and symptom management for those affected with dementia. Take care of yourself.
Rita

mrahope · August 5

Just a note to say that I understand your feelings very well. In the early years our marriage was more loving and compatible, but as time went on my spouse became more and more selfish. By the last 6 years when dementia began to play a role, it became almost intolerable and I didn't feel safe. For this reason, he was placed in MC and seems to have done well there. Imagine my feelings when we checked his computer and phone and found his "secret life". Needless to say, the information there was shattering for me. A year since then, with help from a supportive counselor, I'm doing better. Please seek help for yourself and watch for unsafe behaviors online if your spouse is still capable of using phones and computers.

BPS · August 5

I have Resentment too. My wife had a long term affair with a guy she liked in junior high that started on line in 2005. After I found out about the emailing she said she would stop all contact with him. In 2010 I found out that they were back in contact or always were and it had become physical. We went through a lot of hard times and I almost left but I thought she still cared so I stayed to try and work it out. It was never the same. Then in 2016 she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers and shortly after that I found out that they were back in contact. Knowing some of what the diagnoses would lead to I stayed out of obligation and wanting to protect our adult kids from having to deal with her disease. I resent her and some of our kids have distanced themselves from her disease or said they would help but haven't. None of them know about their mothers affair. I not only resent my wife but also I have a little resentment toward the kids that offered to help and then didn't. I still care about all of them but when I am alone with my thought I sometimes have to make a conscious effort not to dwell on it. I have got over the anger but the resentment hangs in there.

CarolinaWren · August 5

I am in the same boat. I tried to leave years ago - I won’t bore you with the long story- and now here I am and feel stuck. I’ve had a very difficult past few months agonizing over what and how to do it. He is only almost 55. I don’t hate him but I want out of this horrible situation. I just want to live again. Having younger kids doesn’t help

wose · 12:42AM

The resentment is so very real for me. How I wish I could just banish it. The fifteen years of marital bliss just wasn’t there. I soldiered on because of his drug addicted son and then a grandson who I just couldn’t leave. I felt guilty about leaving my narcissistic, abusive husband because I knew I was needed and that was more important. Little did I know just how much I would be needed.- And now the beat goes on and on. The sons and grandkids are nowhere to be found. He has no one but me and that’s the bottom line. I took the vows, so I will provide for him even if it kills me and it is😳

wor913 · 1:44AM

Thank you, everyone for your thoughtful words of kindness and understanding. I was feeling so alone in my situation. In a way I wish I was because then all of you wouldn't be feeling the same! I'm looking forward to being in this group. Thank you again.

addy103 · 1:31PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73690/dealing-with-my-feelings-of-resentment

Leave now. Feel no guilt.

PlentyQuiet · 3:40PM

I stay because I love my kids (21 & 23) more than my spouse. I do not want them to have to deal with this. However I carry the resentment with me every single day

Dealing with my feelings of resentment

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